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How do I move on

(7 Posts)
Greeneyesbiglashes Tue 12-Jun-18 18:21:02

Ok so the lowdown

My parents divorced when I was 5. It was very messy with affairs, social services involved, a choice at 5 who to live with, mum or dad. I have an older brother, I am 24 now and he is 26, he he was 7 when it happened.

We lived with my mum about an hour away from my dad. I always had my brother there so we were increadibly close. We saw my dad every other weekend with my mum and dad taking it in turns on drop us at dads and pick us up. All arranged by the courts.

Life went on and there was bumps along the way, on quite a few occassions dad would let us down and never turn up or gave crappy excuses. My mum was left to pick up the pieces. My brother was usually far more upset than me, I used to just get on with it.

When I was 13 and my brother was 15, on boxing day one year he told me and my mum he was going to live with our dad and our step mum. My step mum was ok at the time and I adored her. I also adored my dad.

My brother moved out and I found it very hard. At this point we were living even further from my dad and step mum with my step dad, step sister and step brother. So there was 6 of us in a house. They are 10 years older so we werent really close. I was left with my mum and the others and I felt so alone. I resented my brother and ultimately we didnt speak for about 4/5 years, never mentioning much. My mum was absolutely heart broken, she was almost mourning my brother, I was full of so much anger and sadness, living in a new area with my friends about 1 hour away. We travelled an hour everyday to get to the same school so I saw my friends there.

This meant I also saw my brother at school, our form rooms being next to eachother but not speaking and pretending the other one didnt exist. He was my best friend and he abandoned me. I was so sad.

My dad would drop my brother off to school (him also travelling an hour but from a different direction) so I would see my dad in the carpark and my brother would see my mum, nobody spoke and I quickly began to realise my dad was not bothered about me. Almost as if he was dissapointed in me for not joining my brother and living with him and my step mum.

I continued to see my dad and my brother was at sixth form. Everytime I saw my dad and stayed over I felt like I was an outcase, just a visitor. They had done my brothers bedroom up and I just felt so lonely. I didnt want to go back to my mums as the atmosphere was awful but I didnt feel welcome at my dads.

My dad was a drinker and a heavy cigar smoker and it effected me mentally seeing him in a state everytime I saw him and physically as I developed asthma as he smoked indoors.

Eventually the drinking got worse and worse and ultimately I couldnt stand being there anymore. I was 16 and had started at a new sixth form. Near where I lived with my mum and step dad, step brother and step sister (and her boyfriend). I made so many new friends and fitted in perfectly. All the friends I made are still my best friends till this day. I finally felt like I belonged.

My brother would come and stay at my mums and we would again ignore eachother. I could tell he felt very uncomfortable being there.

I stopped seeing my dad. It wasnt a situation where he said something awful and I walked out. I just stopped seeing him...

Eventually the birthday cards stopped and he never reached out to me. It was almost like the last time I saw him we both knew we wouldnt see eachother again.

I got the odd drunk text here and there. I got a phone call the night before my 18th birthday from my step mum. It wasnt pleasant and she accused me of playing the victim. I was 17. I’ll never forget that. I didnt play the victim. I never even made a fuss like a normal 17 year old girl would kick off. I just accepted I wasnt as loved as my brother and got on with it.

Me and my dad had a very special bond when I was younger and strangely enough he was closer with me than my brother and then it just stopped one day, like he got bored of me.

Years have gone and the last correspondence I got was just over a year ago. He text and asked to see me. I agreed and said yes, only if my brother could come along too. I had made up with my brother then and he had matured a lot. He went to uni in Bristol and detatched himself away from any bad vibes. He gets on well with my mum now too.

Untimately my dad said no to seeing my under those conditions. I accepted it and moved on.

The 24th of may this year I got a call from my brother. My dad had had a heart attack and died. My world shattered.

The pain of realising all these years wasted, and we would never make up. It has broken me. The guilt I feel for not just sucking it up and seeing my dad will haunt me forever.

His funeral was today. My brother was there, step mum and my grandma and grandad. My grandma and grandad also stopped complete contact with me after I stopped seeing my dad, they werent arsed either.

I havent spoken to my step mum since the day before my 18th when that call was made to me. I havent spoken to my grandparents since I was 16. My Aunty was there too... my brothers sister. Strangely enough she has been through a lot of the same as me. She stopped speaking to her parents for 10 years and explains the situation as my dad being the golden boy. Her mum and dad didnt care much about her either. She didnt speak to my dad either, they cut her out.

Today I walked into the chapel to see all the family. The strength it took to face my demons as well as say goodbye to my dad who i havent seen since I was 16 was hard. I sat at the front next to my brother. I cried the whole way through. My step mum greeted me with a hug which was suprising but I appreciated it. No words spoken. My aunty grabbed me and gave me the biggest hug and said she was glad to see me. I hadnt seen her since I was 11! My grandad very suprisingly grabbed my hand for a couple of seconds. My nan, didnt even acknowledge my existance. The service was hard, my brother spoke as well as my step mum.

We went outside into the courtyard and i spoke to my aunty. She was amazing. She said she understood what had happened and to not blame myself. She said she would be in contact with me and has since sent me a nice text. My grandad (her dad) who she is ok with now came over and said hello. It was very surreal but i appreciated it. My grandma and step mum stayed away and didnt make eye contact with me.

Everyone went off the the wake but I went home, I felt very out of place.

What I have just written is very boring to most and I appreciate peole probably havent read this. But it was more for me to get my feelings out. This is the first time in my 24 years I have ever ever written it down or even thought about it, I just block it out.

I feel very URGH about the situation now. When he died I was distraught and now I feel very sad but mostly numb all over again. I hope it goes away soon. I just feel so NOT at peace with everything. I just assumed we would make up one day and that he would be there when I got married.

I am really blaming myself and feel like i’ve punished my dad for something I don’t even know what. I feel so unloved by him and I just cant believe after 8 years, I had to say hello and goodbye on the same day.

animaginativeusername Tue 12-Jun-18 19:57:54

Oh sweetheart, I don't know what to say but - you were just a child and the adults around you as your dad/grandparents should have known and behaved better. thanks

animaginativeusername Tue 12-Jun-18 19:59:47

And don't blame yourself, you were dealing with your social and emotional changes.

Ourday Tue 12-Jun-18 20:06:38

I'm really sorry for your loss. I think you sound very level headed and considered. Like the previous poster said, you were just a child and the adults around you should have behaved, well, like adults. You've had a huge amount to deal with. I hope you can find some peace. I hope someone will come along with more experience than me, but just wanted to send you virtual hugs xx

mommybear1 Tue 12-Jun-18 20:09:33

So sorry for your loss I hope you have someone to talk to in real life thanks

Notquiterichenough Tue 12-Jun-18 20:14:03

flowers

You are grieving the loss of your Dad, but also probably feel that you are grieving the loss of a chance to have a relationship with him. It's the finality of it that hits you, I think, at times like this.

Two things - a lot of what you are feeling is physical. It's taken a lot of courage and strength to face everyone today, let alone deal with your feelings in front of everyone. Adrenaline will make you feel numb, and will take time to pass. You will probably feel absolutely shattered for a few days, but it will pass.

Secondly, counselling may be a good thing right now. Just someone who knows their stuff to help you think this through.

I had counselling when my Dad died. Very different situation, but lots of unresolved issues that I couldn't get past. Best thing I've ever done, honestly.

Take care.flowers

Greeneyesbiglashes Wed 13-Jun-18 08:59:08

Wow - thank you all for the messages, I didnt think anyone would be interested in my moaning lol but thank you.

I will look into the counselling. I get it free through work which is a plus. I had it at school when it all started to kick off but I didnt feel it helped. Now i’m older i’m sure that will change.

I feel worse today if anything. All the feelings I had shut away for so long have come back, I think after seeing everyone. I feel so bitter and sad. I’ve gone to work today so hopefully I can just get on with it.

Thanks again all

Xx

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