TTC after stillbirth

[minxymoo]

Hi, I had my daughter March 4th this year, she was stillborn at 26weeks. I'm feeling really empty and desperate to try again but we still haven't had her autopsy results, so don't know if its safe. I dont want to replace her - I never could. But at 35 I'm desperate to become a mum and have another try. I've bought fertility sticks and might just try again even before we get her results. What do you think? Has anyone got any advice?

[Rosa5]

How very sad for you.
I do not know the time limits but find it very strange that you would have not had the autopsy results back after 2 months. COuld you not ask your GP to chase them for you and explain that you really want another child.
I hope that you manage to succeed. Big hugs for the future.

[franca70]

Minxymoo, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have any practical advise, but I know that some mumsnetters have gone through the same heartbreak, and will share their experience with you.
Keep this bumped, and my truly best wishes for the future.

[minxymoo]

Thank you for your support and kind words. I asked the doctor to chase the results up a couple of weeks ago but haven't heard anything. My counsillor is going to make some calls this week to see if she can find out whats happening. Its been 12 weeks since I had my daughter and feel like I'm waiting for a trail date for murder. I want to know what I did wrong. I can't really focus on anything else.

[diplodocus]

I obviously don't know what the results will say, but I can certainly tell you for certain that you didn't do anything wrong (although it's normal to feel like this)! I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[lucyellensmum]

minxy, you did NOTHING wrong. So sorry for your loss.

[USAUKMum]

minxymoo -- I am so sorry to hear for your loss. I really hope you get your results soon. You didn't do anthing wrong. But it is a hard thought to get out of your mind.


My son was born at 20wks and we had our autopsy results and meeting with consultant 6wks afterwards. But just to let you know, they might not show anything -- ours didn't. But they suspected an early placenta failure.
I too was 35, we already had DD, but wanted another baby. We fell pg with DS about 5 mths after first DS was born. He is now an active 2 3/4.

It is up to you when you feel ready. My consultant recommended a 6 mth wait, but we felt we were ready for it. Though it was a difficult pg emotion wise until DS born.
My thoughts are with you.

[minxymoo]

I was told the results could take 8 weeks, 12 weeks at the most but its 12 weeks tomorrow I had her and still no appointment in sight. Its making me more worried thinking there is something really wrong and we may not be able to try again.

I really want to have another baby and trying to be positive that it will happen. I already feel like I am a mum in some way, its just she's not here with me.

USAUKmum - I'm so sorry to hear you also went through the ordeal. I can imagine how hard your following pregnancy must have been. I'm already thinking about it. Did you get a lot of support? I think I'll want to check for a heartbeat every day.

[USAUKMum]

You are mum.

I do hope you get your appt soon.....it is horrible waiting. For us the heart & brain were sent off to specialist which I suppose might add in extra time. Or if they are doing in depth DNA testing?

I did get good support. My GP referred me directly to the same consultant. I had a scan at 10wks, nuchal at 14wks, scans at 16, 20, 24, &32 wks. I had a counselor (same one ) who phoned me with blood test results (as that was the first sign of something wrong ) two days after they were taken. Then they decided to induce me at 38wks as the placenta was showing some ageing signs. My husband and friends were also a big help. Physically the pg was good. DS was born quickly (think about 30min) and was an apgar 10 at 2 min.

I did have a heartbeat machine from DD. But DS moved enough to be reassuring.

Did you take long to get pg before?

[Bubble99]

minxymoo. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. All of the feelings you're describing sound 'normal' to me.

One of my twin sons died during labour two years ago and, like USAUKMum, we got the results of the post-mortem at the 6 week meeting we had with the hospital.

We were told that we could get the results earlier from our GP but, TBH, we weren't in any state to want to.

I can't remember now if it was suggested that we wait to TTC again. I rememebr the paediatrician suggesting that the post-mortem results might show 'something that may affect a future PG' In our case he was a healthy full-term baby who died due to (proven) medical negligence.

Off at a tangent there, sorry.

I would be inclined to wait. Good that the counsellor is going to chase the results for you. You deserve to get some answers (if there are any) soon.

XX

[RahRah1]

Hi minxymoo, so sorry to hear about your daughter. My son died at 24 weeks after premature birth (Nov 06, after a short stint in the NICU). I went to see my consultant after 5 weeks to get the results to see if we could start to conceive again. His response was that he did not have all the results back and they normally suggest 3-6 months for recovery before TTC again. He also sent me for some further blood tests to rule out clotting issues. However after we pushed for the results nothing was found and he agreed the suggested waiting time was just a guideline, so we started trying straight away. We were previously under a fertility consultant and it took us 18 months to conceive DS, so unfortunately we have not caught again yet...but still trying. It is very hard and I suspect just as hard being pregnant again, after such a short space... but what other options do we have? My suggestion is make sure you have as much professional support as possible for your next pregnancy. In addition I have considered a private midwife, just for extra support and reassurance for my next pregnancy. I have also started counselling and reflexology, to help with some extra support. Be prepared for the shock of either getting pregnant quite quickly or alternatively trying for a while, as both are very tough emotionally. Do you go onto sands at all? There are lots of people on there in similar circumstances and the forum is quite handy to run things past people for opinions, especially about results and tests and TTC again.

Wishing you and you DH lots of love and best wishes for a quick and healthy pregnancy.
Thinking of your daughter XX

[minxymoo]

Bubble99- I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I can't imagine how angry you must have felt and still feel. Its scary to think in this day and age something like that can happen!

I know its right to wait for her results but the longing to try again is so strong. I will wait though, I wouldn't want to risk going through this again.

DP is in Ireland a lot at the moment - his mums been diagnosed with advanced stage 4 ovarian cancer at 79 and started chemo yesterday. We really want to give her the chance to hold a living grandchild - DP is an only child.
No pressure!!

I don't know what tests are being carried out. I think they took some genetic samples from me, but to be honest its all a bit blurry. DP was in charge of the morphine as I didn't want to take anything- just wanted to hurt and feel the pain. But he got too upset so he took control and dosed me up so can't really remember - or I'm just blocking it out.

I caught really quickly last time, only took a couple of months. So I hope, if we get the all clear, it will be just as quick. Glad to hear I should get lots of support. If we do get pregnant again think I'll be permanently plugged into a doppler.

Hope my counsellor will have some news for me when I see her Tues. She's been amazing, I couldn't have wished for better.

[minxymoo]

Rahrah1- we must have crossed messages, I feel awful that I've just said it took me no time to conceive my first time when you had such problems with DS and are facing them again. I'm sorry xx

[RahRah1]

Don't be silly minxymoo, no need for apologies... so glad you don't have any problems in that department... Sorry to hear about your MIL.. , but glad to hear your counsellor has been fantastic.. makes such a difference when you get the right support. {{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}

[kateyp]

Hi - my first son was stillborn at 26 weeks. The pm results came back after about 6 weeks I think. No reason found although since then I have had 1 pregnancy affected by pre-eclampsia and one normal one so the consultant thinks that my first son was probably due to placental problems similar to pre-eclampsia, despite nothing being found on the pm.

General advice is to wait 6mths to a year for 'emotional' recovery. Physically there is usually nothing to stop you trying straight away (unless you had a difficult/complex labour)

We started straight away virtually (not to replace Hugo but because i needed to be pg again and needed to fill my empty arms) but I didn't conceive for about 18months. I think had I done so sooner I would've had a hard time emotionally with it all (although I would never have thought so at the time).

A great book for when you ARE pg again is called "pregnancy after a loss" by Carol Cirulli Langham. It kept me sane!

Pg and ttc after stillbirth are very stressful - best wishes.

[Glimmer]

I am so sorry for your your pain, minxymoo, which I cannot even begin to imagine. I had a mc with complications last year and am grieving very much. I hope you get the results back soon
and if not just go to GP and complain! It's really hard to be assertive when you are grieving, but all the time waiting will make things just worse!

Bubble I am very sorry to hear about the loss of one of your twins. If it isn't too painful would you be willing to share you story in more detail with us? I am wondering if I can file for negligence in my case (undetected cervical stenosis after mc, no investigations for months, because I was not bleeding externally (only internally)). Were you able to ever forgive the people that were responsible for the loss of your child? How were you ever able to cope with this? Sorry, if I am noisy -- I just try to come to terms with my oen emotions. Sorry for hickjacking...

[minxymoo]

Had a horrible weekend. DP still in Ireland but due back today, thank goodness. Poor bloke seems to lurch from one needy woman to another. Nothing against MIL she's lovely.

Lexi's due date coming up - June 4th. Feeling awful, because I posted she was born 4th March when it was 3rd, how bad is that? I can't even get her birthday right! I really hate myself.
Still no news on her autopsy results, can't understand why most people got their results in 6 weeks, maybe its a Welsh NHS thing? seeing counsellor tomorrow- fingers crossed she's got some info or a least the name of my consultant.

Just done a fertility test which was negative. I am going to wait before TTC but just want to see if I'm still fertile. Not sure if my periods are still mixed up. Used to be 28 days on the dot last one was 36 days!!

nezy - So glad to hear your pg again I've got all my fingers and toes crossed that everything turns out well.

kateyp - I know exactly what you mean when you don't want to replace your child but just have an ache to be pregnant again. I've got the book you mentioned and have read a bit but like you said It'll be better use when I m pg again and I will be I'm staying positive.

Glimmer - Don't apologize, we're all here giving help and support to each other and ask questions. I hope Bubble can help you with your queries. I'm sorry you went through what you have. It must be even more horrific when there's negligence involved.
xxx

[USAUKMum]

minxymoo, I am sorry that you had a bad weekend. Please don't be down on yourself for the dates. With both dates very close numerically (3rd & 4th) it is understandable and not at all a reflection on how you feel.

I used to be 28 days on the dot too. I found after Robert was born it fluctuated greatly from 21 days to 38 days. It didn't settle down before I got pg. But has settle down now, 3 yrs after DS2 was born.

I did have my miscarriage at the Rosie in Cambridge which is quite a big hospital and they did most of the autopsy on site. Maybe that has something to do with it?? Anyway, talk with your counselor and have her help you get answers.

Still thinking of you.

[minxymoo]

Thanks USAUKMum I do still feel awful about the date mix up. I was due to leave work 4th May and she was due 4th June. Think that could have been part of the problem, so many dates still to get through.

Did you have problems TTC with all your periods mixed up ? The fertility test works on your regular dates and hormone levels. I know I sound a bit thick but I'm getting really confused.

[USAUKMum]

Don't stress too much about the dates, I sometimes still confuse Robert's due date, with DS's BF birthday (one is the 8th, the other the 9th).

I didn't have any trouble conceiving, even with the funky timings of AF. Got pg with DS on the second month we tried, I think the first month I was too stressed and devestated when I didn't get pg. As with both DD and Robert got pg first month.

I had to mentally let go and relax. I also tried to work out when my fertitle time was working on both the shortest & longest cycle I had. Ironically, we got pg the week that Robert had been due.

[minxymoo]

Just been to see my counsellor, the hospital have told her I won't get an appointment to see the consultant until sometime in the middle of June.
I'm devastated I've still got another 3-4 weeks to wait.

[USAUKMum]

I am

[poppy34]

minxy- I really feel for you . My son was born at 21 weeks and I was told it would be at least 6 weeks probaby 8 for autopsy results but it seems obscene you have to wait any longer for your results. IS there nothing that the counsellor can do? In the circumstances you'd think you should be a priority

really thinking of you and your DP xx

[jellybeans]

minxymoo, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter xx I lost my daughter at 20 weeks in january. I got my autopsy results after 3 months. It's awful waiting. I am not exactly sure why I lost my DD but I have sticky blood antibodies and had a severe infection of the placenta. I understand your desperation to try again, I had it after each loss, I have had 2 other losses another DD at 23 weeks to a genetic disorder and an 11 wk m/c. Between those I had 3 successful pregnancies, one of which was twins, so there is hope xxThinking of you xx

[minxymoo]

Hi Jellybean and poppy34, sorry to hear you've both had losses also. You've given me hope that I will have another chance but I'm also scared it could happen again. It never occurred to me that it could!
I'm so desperate to try again and everyone has given me hope, thank you to you all on mumsnet.
Lexi's due date is next Monday 4th June. Feeling really numb and dreading it.