Can't talk to anyone about this loss.

[StaySafe]

Thoughts for a dear friend

You made me banana cake as a present
You taught me about Opera and helped me understand it
You waited at the station by the pillar reading the Independent.
You pulled off the road on the way home to call me.
You folded up crisp packets in a complicated way to make a triangle and I never could do it myself.
You loved your old lags, and helped them without judgement.
You could not stand injustice
You were kind to people and never missed a mother struggling with a buggy on steps or someone who looked lost.
You could talk the birds out of the trees.
You told me the story of the professor who wanted to call you by your first name, you said, "Call me Mr X, but say it with feeling."
You loved your dog
You loved me
You were on target for a first in your degree.
You cooked nice food for me.
You appreciated fashion and had immaculate taste
You wore Givenchy Gentleman.
You Joked with me about being a simple country lad. You were far from that.
You supported the Palestinians
You listened, and went out of your way to please me.
And now you are gone. I will never hear your soft voice or get a message ending “stay safe” again. I’d forgotten how our emails since your illness had been so intense, so poignant and how hard I’d tried to say all that I could, to emphasise the only truth – that this was a bloody unfair piece of shit for you and how much I valued all that you were. The long chats, the recollections and the things we had found important about each other those little things we remembered….
When you said what it was I thought “how long? how bad?” and then I thought, hang on, it is only odds, someone gets better, I even know someone who got better, it should be you, it must be you and I could not even begin to think about the false dawns and hopes that might come your way, that just when every one was saying you had cause for optimism it would all be wrong.
I so wanted to be there with you along the way. I wanted to see if I could still melt those little frown lines between your eyes. I wanted to say it would all be alright and hold you like I used to, to just share a little bit of peace.
I didn’t care what you looked like and wouldn’t have been a bit bothered to see you thinner, I would be sad you were ill but it would still be you.
The tantalising email, it says you are still there. The little “OL” symbol comes up, you are still [email protected], with your little green “O” in the circle. Last email 19 April, I kept wondering with each one if it might be the last. I hope they loved you up proper in your last days. I know they loved you, you only have to look at your daughter's face at her wedding. I look at you in that picture, serious, the person who always wanted to do his best, a little glimmer of your first profession , and a handsome chap too in your unique way.
It just seems to me, that I could send one more email. I could say “what was it like?” and that I’d get a reply. I’d get a message saying not to be frightened, that the essence of you was safe, a little mention of your best friend, as ever.
But for now I feel lost without your light and continuing presence. That somehow there is one less person out there rooting for me, or who I could have a little moan to. All that we shared is now just my memory, not our memories.
mind how you go.

[Bimblepops]

I’m so sorry for your loss.

That’s a really beautiful piece of writing, your friend was obviously very loved by you.

[concretesieve]

So sorry for your loss

[vampirethriller]

I'm sorry xx

[TanteRose]

So sorry for your loss

[StaySafe]

Thank you. Sometimes people are more special to you than you realise. I suspect I was the only one he knew who was half way realistic about this dreadful illness, a lot of black humour in our emails. At the end it seemed as if he was being eaten alive and you actually have to live with that situation until die. I suppose that is pretty obvious stuff but I've never been that close to it before.

[MrsMozart]

Beautiful written.

I'm sorry your friend has gone.

[MrsDilber]

The long chats, the recollections and the things we had found important about each other those little things we remembered….

[MrsDilber]

Sorry, I meant to write on the bottom, this says it all, he knew.

Be kind to yourself as you grieve. Beautiful words 💐