I'm so angry with my dad, someone talk me down please!

[QueenOfIce]

Mum died 15 months ago, I have had threads on here before she passed and after but had to nc a while ago.

Dad was mums carer for 7 years they were together over 40 years. My dad was abusive towards Mum their entire married life and during the time he cared for her he was even worse. He said awful things to her, wished her dead treated her roughly.

He's upset all the time, he won't contemplate grief counselling, he won't think about joining any sort of clubs to meet others says he doesn't like people, he just moans constantly about everything and everyone he hasn't got a nice word to say about anything.

Tonight he told me that I was doing ok because I hadn't spent a lifetime with Mum therefore my grief was less than his!

I didn't abuse my mum, I didn't treat her as if she was a burden or a piece of crap, we were so close that it's now difficult for me to work out where I begin and she ends because our lives were so entwined, we talked everyday.

I'm doing ok mostly, because I know that Mum wanted me to live my best life and because sadly life moves on with or without my participation. I will never get over losing Mum I have managed to find a place where my sadness resides and carry on. I have awful days still I miss her so much she was the world to me.

Not once has my dad asked me how I am it's always always about him. He is so selfish and self absorbed. No suggestion is met with consideration just a flat no.

He threw away some of mums stuff the other day and text me to say 'oh don't worry it's nothing I value' which says it all, nothing he values but there were things in there that my brother and I did value!

He's put the phone down on me tonight and I don't care if I never speak to him again. He's such hard work and he drains me. I am so angry with him and so tired of being upset.

[jumpin26]

Hi op I'm so sorry to hear about your mum

Has your dad always been like this-grumpy miserable self absorbed? Or has it been since becoming your mums carer? Maybe that took a toll on him that you never seen? He must have had to see the woman he loved and cherished become weaker and maybe that's broken him somewhat?

Could it be that he genuinely doesn't consider that his actions upset you? What did he say when you challenged him about throwing the things out? Is he aware of the impact his actions are having?

He could be depressed- not wanting to leave the house and socialise etc... maybe taking him to a support group- going in with him- with the promise of a meal or a pint afterwards could be a move forward?

Sorry op I'm not much help but wanted you to know your heard xx

[QueenOfIce]

Thank you jumpin he's always been grumpy and selfish, he has treated my mum appallingly even before he was her carer. I think he's feeling guilty, I told dad Mum was dying and his reply was 'don't be silly that witch will last forever'

I'm so sick of his poor me attitude when he was so bloody awful to her.

[jumpin26]

Oh that's awful and frankly unforgivable

In that respects sounds like he's looking for someone else to 'bully'

I think your main option is to have a frank chat maybe even over letter to tell him his behaviour is unacceptable/ how it makes you feel

And he needs to actively seek help to change or he is going to be extremely lonely

I'm sorry op what a hard time you've had xx

[AcrossthePond55]

I'm saying this gently, but why do you have anything to do with him? He sounds very unpleasant and not someone who adds anything positive to your life.

Just because he's your father it doesn't mean you have to keep him in your life.

[QueenOfIce]

I feel obligated Acrossthepond, I can't turn my back on him it's not that I don't want to I just don't feel I can.

I won't contact him now though since he put the phone down on me, I'll leave it to him. I'm frightened I'll lose my cool with him and tell him that he has no right to grieve for someone he treated so badly. I don't want to cause him any more upset he's doing that on his own.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think you doing the right thing. If you don't feel you can cut the cord, the next best thing is to let him initiate any contact. And then do the minimum needed to salve your conscience.

But I don't think you need to feel obligated. He certainly didn't feel an obligation to your mother. And doesn't feel any obligation to you. Because as the old saying goes "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother". He's failed in that obligation, big time.

[QueenOfIce]

I feel so guilty being so vociferous about him, I've spoken to my brother today who says that he was horrible to him also but that today he's broken down in tears and apologised profusely.

I know he's hurting, I know he feels guilty yet I am still very angry and I don't think I've ever felt such rage and it's so uncomfortable.

I'd never heard that saying across, makes sense though. I'd like to yell at him that he wished her dead now he's got what he wished for why is he so upset.

[QueenOfIce]

My mum confided in me about how he physically treated her, she was a sitting target as she couldn't walk unaided.

I lost my mind and started shouting at my dad that he was an abuser, a bully and every time he laid a finger on Mum I was going to call him out because abusers rely on their victims silence and I was not standing for it. I was her voice because she was too scared incase he withdrew the care she needed. I use the term care loosely.

The rage I am feeling is so intense but if I went after him now it would make me no better than him and I am not like him. I feel so bloody suffocated and consumed by his treatment of her. I've had grief counselling and I thought I'd come to terms with his behaviour but our conversation the other night seems to have lit the touch paper!

[Chasingsquirrels]

I'm so sorry to read this QueenOfIce and for your grief.

I have a friend who has had a life time of awful behaviour from her parents.
I have known her for 15 years and it has taken her until her 40's to come to terms with her own feelings about them, and that however hard she tries she can't have the relationship she would like to have with them. Although to be honest she hasn't fully come to terms with it yet and would drop everything at the hope of being able to.
I've come to understand through knowing her a little bit of how hard it must be to turn your back on your parents, even if staying in contact is to the detriment of your own mental health.

Your dad's behaviour, throughout not just I grief which could be excused, sounds awful.
I would try and limit contact as much as possible, he is not your problem to fix.

Hugs.

[GeordieGirl233]

I'm so sorry for your loss sweet heart xx

[QueenOfIce]

Thank you for hearing me, I'm really sorry if anyone has lost their dad and finds this hard to read it's not my intention to upset anyone at all.

[lou1221]

This could so easily be me writing the op. I lost mum 6 years ago. He was mums carer in the last few months too. At best he's grumpy and morose, at worse he's violent and abusive. It is like walking on egg shells when around him. He too refused counselling, mocked when I did it, I'm lc with him at the moment, and it's better than constantly feeling angry and guilty at the same time. Good luck and very sorry for your loss.

[BastardGoDarkly]

you wished her dead, and now she is This would haunt me, no wonder you're raging.

I know you can't bear to think of doing it, but that man deserves loniless and no care in his old age.

I couldn't salve this bastards conscience. Although I realise, that's easy for me to say.

Just wanted to support you in your anger, your feelings aren't wrong.

Wishing you strength going forward op.

[QueenOfIce]

I'm sorry lou it's hard isn't it? When Mum was taken into hospital he visited twice said he didn't like hospitals. I was having a ball for the 14 hours a day I sat with my mum. When they started her end of life plan he spent the night with her but kept complaining about how bad HE felt.

Totally oblivious to the hours myself and my brother dedicated to being with mum and making sure her comfort was priority. He didn't get to say goodbye, he went home to shower and she died whilst I was with her.

I know he feels awful and I of course I have supported him and would continue but not on his terms and using me or my brother as his emotional punching bag.

[Phillipa12]

op i hear you loud and clear but it was my now exdh that behaved like your dad. After our 3 year old dd died he turned round a few weeks later and said "you clearly didnt love her as much as me because i have rarely seen you cry". I grieve very much like you, and he rarely saw me cry because he was busy sleeping whilst i was crying feeding a newborn baby who was up most of the night. I have very little to do with him now, he knows how awful he was too me and the guilt he feels for never really being there for his dd and how he treated me will last a lifetime as it all came out in counselling. Your dad is like my ex, stuck and lost in his grief, because he cant control it, it sounds like he would prefer to wallow and is annoyed that you and your brother are not doing the same. By all means support him, but from a distance op, you dont have to put up with his shit if you dont want too.

[whitehandledkitchenknife]

You must put your own needs first. And not feel guilty about your rage. It is thoroughly justified. Your father was and is a horrible man. I don't think he feels awful either. Don't be drawn in to becoming his energy source. He'll leach you like a veritable vampire. He does not deserve your compassion.
Take time to grieve your mum and honour her memory by not allowing yourself to be treated badly.

[Phillipa12]

Oh and i most certainly have let my exdh know that he was emotionally abusive towards me and i will always hate him because of what he said and how he treated me esp in the aftermath of our dd. My boys however think we get along fine!

[QueenOfIce]

Apparently he's seen my brother in tears apologising profusely for how he's treated us the last couple of days, says he feels like he's back at the start.

I didn't get an apology and I am not in the mood to appease his guilt. My brother is very much like me in that neither of us will be bullied or manipulated by him. I feel so sad that my mum felt she had no choice than to stick with this man and for the last 7 years of her life if she had at any point changed her mind she literally couldn't have walked away and he knew it.

My mum would be horrified if she could see how he's behaving now, it disgusts me to see how he portrays the doting husband and people comfort him all the while having no clue what a spiteful bully he really was.

I miss my mum so so much but I am so happy she is no longer tied to him. Grief is hard and he makes it so much harder.

[QueenOfIce]

I am so sorry for what you went through with your ex'd'h Phillipa and the terrible loss you have suffered.

Thank you all so much for your support I felt like I was going bonkers for feeling so angry.

[fascinated]

Sounds perfectly natural to me

It upsets me how cruel some people are to their loved ones

Strength to you

[arghhouch]

My dad was negligent in his care of my mom towards the end...she would sit and wet Herself at the end of the bed because she needed his help to walk to the toilet and he was too physically tired I once seen him cover his head with a blanket.

Not an image of my father I am proud of. But I hate to say this I 100% understood his fatigue as when I tried to take over for just a few days it was the most exhausting experience of my life and I am 40 years younger than him.

So could it be his venom came out of frustration and exhaustion or is he genuinely a bad person and has always been?

My dad was also barely present at the hospital when she was dying and threw or gave away a lot of her belongings after she passed like it was nothing. I was devastated but a few months on I think the carers tired haze has passed and he misses his wife of 50 years and has some regrets and remorse.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope either way you find some peace moving on xx

[AcrossthePond55]

Interesting that he's apologized to your brother, a male, and not to you, a female.

Don't allow yourself to become his next target. Now that your mum is gone he'll be looking for a new one.

I know you don't like feeling the way you do, but anger can be a powerful suit of armour.

[QueenOfIce]

Argh I've given your post some thought given your situation sounded similar. I know that dad really struggled and it was really hard work no day off 24/7 care and that will have taken it's toll, however, what I can't get my head around is when they took their vows they vowed in sickness and in health and surely when you truly love someone and they're unable to fend for themselves that is when kindness is needed the most yet he couldn't find it in him.

His love is conditional. He's told me today that he will no longer allow his grief to impact my life that he won't talk about it, it was passive aggressive not at all understanding from my perspective.

I feel awful today, I feel horribly horribly guilty.