Struggling with DM

[Pondering1]

My Dad passed away 2 months and it's been a rollercoaster of emotions for the whole family.
Although devastated, I feel like I'm now starting to get on with things, back at work and running around after a toddler. My siblings are the same, making plans for the future and keeping busy/distracted.

We are very worried about DM. Ofcourse it's going to take much longer for her to even begin to feel normal again but are now at a loss as to how to help. She is getting worse every week. Her life was with Dad, both very co dependent, little social life out with him and the house.

I'm visiting often, listening when she needs to talk, encouraging her to get out with us, suggesting new hobbies etc as feel sitting in the house on her darkest days are not helping and worsening her mental state (her anxiety and stress are now manifesting in physical ways such as tremors and panic attacks). She goes nowhere unless we drive her and plan it all.

We managed to persuade her to visit a doctor and she got some medical help with depression but we really want her to see a grief Councillor but she won't entertain it.

I just think she needs bigger help than we can offer her. I can't bear to hear her sobbing telling me she hates her life, is a burden and doesn't want to live anymore. We have lost our Dad and really struggle to hear her say this.

I feel so awful for thinking it but when I see her calling late at night my heart sinks at the thought of another hour long call with her saying these things and being dragged back into the dark grief that I'm trying to move on from, selfish I know.

Anyone been there or have any advice? She seems better this weekend, we got her out to a family event and she had DS one day but now heard that she had my sibling up in the early hours telling her she doesn't want live. Just don't know what to do anymore.

[HerBigChance]

I'm sorry to hear about how you and your mother struggling so much.

We (me and my sister) are four months further along this path in very similar-sounding circumstances. It has been very, very difficult, but I think just lots of patient listening and allowing her to vent, continue the visits, going out to event etc. Everything you're currently doing, in fact.

Sorry if this sounds very simplistic advice. Our mother won't contemplate counselling either. All you can do is continue to be there and continue to try re doctors/counselling. It is all incrediby dofficult, alongside dealing with our own grief at losing a much-loved parent.

I hope things begin to improve for you all, however slowly it may seem. I hope others have additional advice too!

[whatisforteamum]

Hi there im.in a similar boat.We're 7 months on and DM doesn't call.....We're all very busy and some siblings have cut her off when she scattered Drs ashes then posted it on social media!!.Cm tells me the same stories again and again which is her way of dealing with it.I work 13 hour days so sometimes feel too exhausted myself to take on her grief.I feel so bad for her dad was her sole mate for 53 years.He patient and look after yourself too.x

[channingtatumspecs]

Sorry for your loss. Experiencing similar with MIL. She says things like "I can understand why people throw themselves off a cliff" etc
She's adamant that she'll never get over it or even feel better in any way it's like she's determined. Example today talking abt Xmas she said "I suppose some might think I'll feel better 7 months on but I absolutely won't"
It's very hard to know how to respond and hard not to get angry
She's been leaning hard on SIL and sleeping on her floor for months and SIL confided she dreads going home sometimes a because she knows it will be weeping and sadness and we all want to try and carry on as much as we can and return to some semblance of normal. I understand it's far easier for us as she's lost her partner but it is frustrating that she won't even try and be a bit positive
I'm sorry I have no advice for you but you're not alone