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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My husband died

52 replies

Angie169 · 14/04/2018 20:53

In october last year my DH died , he had been unwell for a few weeks but still ok to work until two days before he died .
We worked together .
The day he died he was awake and a bit pale but ok , he stayed in bed when i went to work ( not surprising as I leave home at 5am ) .
I got home at 6.30pm to find him naked and dead on our bedroom floor , I think he may of got up to use the toilet and . . . . . . god I dont know !
This was the most horrible / scary / frightening / upsetting and confusing time of my life I wanted to throw myself down the stairs so I did not have to cope with it .
I did not . I phoned the ambulance and then my brother , the paramedic confirmed he had been dead 'for some time ' . Because he died at home the police had to be called. my brother was with me when they came they were sympathetic but it was so hard to answer their questions.
The undertakers came at about midnight to see DH been taken away in a bodybag was more than I could take , I wanted to scream but my voice would not work .
My brother stayed with me until the early hours but I asked him to leave as I need some time to take everything in.
In the following days and weeks all of my family have been great and very supportive as has my boss , I took some time off work but found been at home alone meant that I just sat in self pity and I started drinking far to much so I went back to work after a month . Bit by bit I have managed to start to function at work again but the evenings and weekends are still very hard to cope with,

Because DH died at home there had to be a corners inquest, this took a unbelievable 6 months, I got the results early last week .
this has just put me right back to square one .
I can not stop crying I miss him so much , we should of celebrated his 60th and our 10th wedding anniversary in march .
I have to go to register his death on Monday , I don't want to do it.

I do not know how I am going to carry on .

OP posts:

Report

Patienceisvirtuous · 14/04/2018 20:56

God i’m so sorry my lovely. How terrible for you.

Get all of the support you can and just get through one day at a time.

Xxx

pommebears · 14/04/2018 20:56

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Please just take it one mini step at a time.

PinkCalluna · 14/04/2018 20:58

I’m so so sorry for your loss.

JontyDoggle37 · 14/04/2018 21:00

I’m so sorry for your loss, what a terrible shock. You can keep going and it will, eventually, get a bit better. In the meantime, don’t pressure yourself to ‘cope’. Crying, screaming if necessary is an important part of grieving. Could I suggest a pet that would give you company st home? Maybe an older rescue cat?

annandale · 14/04/2018 21:00

Just a hand to hold. I'm so sorry. My dh died in February, the inquest will be in July. It's so very hard. Do you have anyone to go with you on Monday?

Longlunch · 14/04/2018 21:03

I am so sorry
It will take time, I hope you can slowly find back peace in you
💗

Colonelpopcorn · 14/04/2018 21:13

I’m so sorry op. Must have been a terrible shock for you.

rainbowruthie · 14/04/2018 21:17

Sending you kind thoughts

Angie169 · 14/04/2018 21:22

thank you , just been able to 'voice' my feelings has helped even though its hard to type when your crying.
Jonty I have to cope at work I head a team of 10 they have only just stopped walking on egg shells around me , they have all been great but I can only expect so much from them .
I have a pet Polecat ( think big ferret ) he lives out side most of the time but comes in for a few hours most evenings so although your idea of a cat is a good one it wont work for me .
Annadale , So sorry for your lose I know EXACTLY what you are going through , I was told the inquest would take about 12 weeks I am so cross that it took so much longer , I hope your DH's is not delayed.
Unfortunately no there is no one that can go with me , but I am not sure that I want anyone there either .

OP posts:

Ebayaholic · 14/04/2018 21:27

I couldn't not reply to your post, I'm so sorry, you sound a very courageous person. Kind people here will reply to you and I hope it makes you feel a tiny bit better knowing that we are here for you

Ebayaholic · 14/04/2018 21:27

I couldn't not reply to your post, I'm so sorry, you sound a very courageous person. Kind people here will reply to you and I hope it makes you feel a tiny bit better knowing that we are here for you

annandale · 14/04/2018 21:33

You could ask the local vicar to go with you? Mine has been very good, I couldn't be more atheist especially now but she has cared for me as a member of the parish and has not been intrusive.

Have you had any bereavement counselling?

MrsMozart · 14/04/2018 21:39

No wise or useful words, but a hug and a handhold lass.

Angie169 · 14/04/2018 22:01

ebayaholic it does make me feel a bit better been able to vent my felling , thank you to all that are out there helping me through this .

annandale the vicar that conducted DH service is a good friend and i will always be very grateful for him looking after everything for me but he lives to far away and is very much in demand in his own parish for him to come with me .
I have recently been in touch with the Samaritans who have been great , I have tried to email ( not ready to say feelings out loud yet ) cruse too but there email service is always off line .

OP posts:

Isadora2007 · 14/04/2018 22:04

I hope sharing here can help. Like writing stuff out is a step towards saying things out loud.
You sound like you have coped remarkably well already. With so very much. Maybe this last hurdle will give you some degree of a sense of this ending and the life without your husband being able to take new shape...

annandale · 14/04/2018 23:45

Angie it sounds as if it is very hard for you to reach out at the moment and that's completely understandable.

I have posted my own threads on here when feeling lost but I'm a bit worried that you feel you have to keep a game face on at work, can't bother friends and haven't got any formal counselling. Is your GP any good? I find that with a big circle of friends, sister, face to face weekly counselling, and frequent GP appointments, I am just about holding it together. We're all different but I know for example that I was unable to eat for a while after DH died, then literally I talked to a friend and was able to eat immediately afterwards, it was that direct a connection between unburdening myself and feeling more able to cope. I am sure I said mostly nonsense but it doesn't matter.

The vicar of your own parish, even if they are a stranger, I am sure would see themselves as having a link with you. Do have a think about contacting them.

If you are anywhere within an hour or so's drive of me I can go with you to register the death, though it would have to be this Thursday for me. You wouldn't have to talk, I promise - I am quite good at silence. I will send you a PM.

overduemamma · 15/04/2018 00:00

Different scenario but my sibling died xmas eve 2015, she died a traumatic death. Took the police/mortuary 3 weeks to realise her body, another 3 weeks for the funeral and 9 months for her inquest which was 3 months later then expected. Just when we start to come to terms with it it was all brought back up. Really feel for you, it is an awful time

Angie169 · 15/04/2018 21:47

annandale thank you so much for your offer to come with me , that means so much to me . Unfortunately the only date that the registrar office could give me was Monday ( tomorrow ).
I do not have a big circle of friends , and them that I do have already have enough on their plates with work , kids , divorce etc .
My GP is hopless it is the same one that DH went to , the 1st time I went , about 6 weeks after DH had died the doc asked why DH had missed a appointment the week before, I think they heard me scream at him 2 streets away ! Also as its a 'family clinic and there are 12 GPs at one places so you never know who you are going to see unless you book about 3 weeks in advance ,
In time I may see if there is another local practice that can take me on .
I dont know who to go to for counselling , do I need a referral from docs ?
I do not have any close family near by apart from my brother ( who has been great ) Both my Mum & Dad died when I was in my 30s .
I found cooking a way to give myself something to do instead of just sitting on the sofa and crying so I have eaten ( all the wrong stuff ) but there as always been a glass of wine / cider next to me while I am cooking and I know I am drinking to much but what the hell who cares .

overdue mamma
It was 3 weeks before they released DH body to me too due to him dying at home ( sus suicide ) but it felt so much longer , and like you by the time I could arrange the funeral it was weeks later each step just seems to open the wounds again , but once I have registeded his death I will scatter his ashes , but I am still not sure where to do that .
We had a few fav places but most of them by the english coast and I do not want to scatter his ashes by the sea he was scared of deep water and do not want kiddies making sandcastles out of him !

OP posts:

annandale · 15/04/2018 23:05

I got face to face counselling via Cruse - I think maybe they have an actual NHS contract for bereavement counselling locally, but I'm not sure. My doctor gave me the information but I rang them directly. There was a wait of about six weeks. You could also just go to the BACP website for lists of counsellors/psychotherapists if you think you could afford private counselling. I hope you're getting the Bereavement Support Payment - maybe it would be worth trying to use some of that?

I was offered the Help is at Hand NHS booklet for people who may have been bereaved by suicide about eight times in all, but it really was helpful - I assume you've had it (here's the link just in case help is at hand booklet. That has quite a lot about counselling in it I think.

I just found that there was so much I couldn't say to people I knew, even though I'm really lucky and have been surrounded by support. Brutal horrible stuff that I wouldn't even post on anonymous forums. Stuff I thought was bigger than I could cope with but talking about it to the counsellor made it much, much smaller. Stuff I didn't even know i was feeling until I started talking about it. If you've got a GP who's not helping you much and are surrounded by busy people, I would really prioritise finding someone, and if you don't click with the first one, keep looking for someone else.

Angie169 · 16/04/2018 10:43

annandale
From what I can tell Cruse do not (yet ) do face to face counselling in my area , I need to find some one / organisation that can help me.

I have been getting the bereavement support payment but that all has to go on bills there is none to spare.
I have not been given the booklet you mentioned , I will have a look at the link you sent .
I know what you mean when you say there are things you cant say , even thinking feels wrong , like I am been mean / cruel / that I don't care and worse .
I have tried writing my feelings down but I hate myself for feeling the way I do and putting it on paper seems to make it worse.
Thank you for been there for me to talk to

OP posts:

Bluelady · 16/04/2018 10:51

Angie, I've just read this and am so sorry you've lost your husband and been through this horrible experience. I do hope you're as OK as you can be today. 🌺

annandale · 16/04/2018 19:16

How did you get on today @angie169?

annandale · 16/04/2018 19:17

I don't know if SOBS might have a support group locally to you? They seem to have an email support link as well - I don't think that was working when I tried it local to me though.

annandale · 16/04/2018 19:18

[sigh] Here's the link for SOBS which I forgot to post

Noqonterfy · 16/04/2018 19:22

Hi op, my DH also died. Have you joined WAY? They are a fantastic source of peer support and practical support. There is a cost to joining, although I believe it can be waived depending on circumstances. They are certainly worth joining though. One of the best things I ever did. www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/

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