My mum died

[MayhapsIAm]

It's all a big fucking mess. I've been non contact with my mum for 7 years, although she did have dementia so wasn't aware that I was non contact. This happened for lots of boring complicated reasons and wasn't helped by a sibling threatening to kill me if they saw me (hence me stopping visiting on the off chance we ran into each other - yes I'm a coward)

I've done a lot of soul searching over the last 7 years and have no guilt attached to not seeing my mum. But now she's dead.

I found out from another sibling who has passed the message on that I won't be welcome at the church, crematorium or wake. I'm ok with that. I'm not religious (neither was mum) and I said goodbye to her a long time ago, what I'm not handling is the aggression. Not only from family (which is to be expected, they've only heard one side of the story and I don't intend to tell them my side), but from people I don't know.

I have been called in the week since she died a selfish bitch (by a woman in the local shop), that I should be ashamed of myself (another woman at the bus stop) and a cousin I haven't seen for 20 years has tracked me down to tell me she hopes I die a miserable death alone.

I don't know why I'm posting really. I don't have any friends and only DP and DD at home. Has anyone else ever had a backlash after a death? I understand completely that grief does funny things to people and I've come to terms with the fact that people don't thing very highly of me. I just want to be left alone

[Mybabystolemysanity]

I'm very sorry. I lost my sister 15 months ago after about two years of NC and while I don't feel terribly guilty about it, as it was mostly at her instigation, I am sad that I won't have the chance to have a relationship with her in the future, as I had always hoped. My dad died very suddenly at Christmas a week short of the one year anniversary and I am finding losing him much harder.

I haven't had any backlash as such over my sister, but I do have a palpable sense of shame and a feeling of being judged. I try to avoid family and anyone who knew my sister. Most people didn't know she had a sister or that my parents had an older daughter anyway.

I'm not sure if this is useful to you, but your post struck a chord and I wanted to say you're not completely alone. I'm isolated too, but mostly by choice and I think that's ok.

[MayhapsIAm]

Thank you. It has helped. I've not cried yet, I think because if I do I will just get so angry and anger is pointless. I do feel like I've done my grieving it's just so hard facing the judgement of others

[MayhapsIAm]

And that's the other thing I think. Me and the sibling who fell out have always had a tumultuous relationship but I think in the back of my mind I always thought we'd sort it out eventually. This has meant that will never happen, so although I don't 'miss' her I am sad that it's all gone

[Mybabystolemysanity]

Possibly it's that hope dies along with the person. At least when you have hope there is the possibility of reconciliation or at least understanding and moving on in the future.

I was in a terrible state for several months afterwards, perhaps not helped by her dying the day after my DD was born and crushing PND. Now it's not so consuming, although she is never discussed.

I think you are allowed to be angry.

[NotTakenUsername]

I had a strange grieving period in the past. I remember reading this article that I was able to find again to share with you. I found it really helpful. I also called the Samaritans and talked it through with them and that helped me a lot too. I was so lost and confused by my grief.

whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-someone-you-didnt-like/

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

[MayhapsIAm]

Thank you both of you. I don't normally mind being alone but it's hitting me at the moment - thank you for your kindness

[NotTakenUsername]

It’s good that you can reach out even to a forum like this. It means you aren’t totally alone. And look, within two posters there is someone who can vaguely relate to your experience. Grief is strange, and you didn’t forfeit your right to grieve when you went NC.

[Gottokondo]

*Nottaken
*
Thank you for posting that link, I think that a lot of people, not just the OP but also readers like me, are helped by reading that link

[NotTakenUsername]

Thank you for posting that. I’m really glad it was helpful.