I don't know what to do. (Well I do but I don't want to)

[beenrumbled]

My Db messaged me this evening to say our Df had passed away

Background is DM and DF separated and divorced over 35 year ago. Acrimonious due to his affair and behaviour after. DM did not deal with it well and took to bed. As he left and came back a few times over a year I became used to calling DMs friends/doctors each time he left and she collapsed. I was 11 to start with, Db was 9. I always felt responsible for her after seeing these breakdowns and was always the "good one" who tried not to upset her, probably as i was scared she would leave too. DB went off the rails.

My relationship with Df was difficult after he left, he never seemed to know how to relate to me. I stopped what intermittent contact we had when I hit mid teens and he never tried to force it. The impression I got was he didn't really care. DB has had intermittent contact over the years. DB left home at 16 and as such is quite distance from DM emotionally, though had moved closer to her logistically in the last few years.

I moved away from home nearly 20 years ago, and now live with my DH and 3 kids over 3 hours from her.

DM has never got DF but never dealt with the divorce well. 35 years in she has mentioned still loving him and wanting to ask him him if he regretted his choices. I have recently told her she should have dealt with it at the time or sought counselling .....that didn't go down well!

Df stayed in intermittent contact with DB. As far as I am aware he has married twice since my DM.

My mum is staying with me at the moment and DB messaged me to tell me about DF and ask me to tell DM.

I know I have to tell her but have chosen to tell her in the morning ad I can't deal with it now. I am angry at Db for not phoning and telling her and leaving it to me as usual, .and totally confused about how I feel too.

I'm stuck between crying and being angry. I have gorgeous kids he never knew because he didn't really try. And I have to tell my DM and deal with that too.

DH is angry at DB for leaving me to deal with the crap again and I know I should have told DB yo tell her himself but I didn't. It's shit really.