Dad died last year; Mum selling their house and I can't bear it

[MrsGAT]

Hi there
I guess I just wondered if anyone had had a similar experience and how they got through it?
My darling Dad, who I was very close to, lost a very valiant battle with a horrible cancer, AML, last May. I'm part of a large family and we're all struggling. My Mum almost immediately decided she didn't want to live in the house and put in on the market and at the time, we all agreed with it as I don't think anyone was in the right frame of mind to have the energy to object.
It's taken a long time but she's finally found a buyer and long story short we're going to the house this weekend to clear it out. My Dad is buried in the churchyard of the village and although it wasn't where I grew up, I feel an incredibly strong attachment to it as my parents owned the house for 20 years and we had lots of lovely family occasions there, birthdays, Christmas's etc. My Dad in particular loved it there - the house and the village itself.
I thought I was okay with it all, but actually I've found in the last week I can't sleep and just feel totally sick with the thought of going there and dismantling our family home. It feels like such a betrayal of my Dad, and also the thought of not having a home in the place where he is buried gives me the most desperate feeling of just abandoning him.
I've tried to talk to my Mum about it but to be honest she's not really dealing with her own grief very well and is not in a good place (won't see counsellor or anything). She said financially she can't afford to keep the house, the mortgage life is coming to an end and that no-one goes there anyway. It's true to say that as a family (I'm one of 5 siblings) none of us had been there really very much since the funeral, but that's more through grief than anything else.
To put it in some sort of context, after a very long battle , my husband and I finally had a baby 5 months before my Dad died, so we now have a gorgeous 15 month old little girl who I'd always dreamed of playing in the garden. I spent years watching my nieces and nephews there, dreaming of one day doing the same with my own child and now it'll never happen.
I don't think the decision can be reversed now with regard to selling the house but just wondered how anyone else has coped with sorting through possessions, dismantling the home, deciding what to keep etc, with this unbearable grief hanging over you? I just don't know how to do it and the thought if it at the moment is breaking my heart
Thanks so much for reading
xxxxx

[usercantsleep]

I'm really sorry to hear that you lost your dad. Me too. It's so hard isn't it?
I hope you don't mind me saying but you've really only mentioned how you feel about all this but you've not really taken on board how your Mum is dealing with this (or not). She's given really valid reasons for the sale......it can be fucking Awful living in a place all the time that she associates with your dad.
It is really sad but surely you wouldn't want your Mum to be there when she didn't want to be?

[usercantsleep]

I'm really sorry I didn't really answer your question.....it will be incredibly hard culling all his stuff but can also be cathartic and being back some lovely memories x best of luck x

[PurpleWithRed]

About a week after my mum unexpectedly passed away we went back to clear her room at her care home. I thought it would be awful - we'd popped in before to get a couple of valuable bits and I'd howled - but actually it turned out to be OK. We managed to turn a corner and be reasonably objective - we'd already made some decision about jewellery, pictures, furniture, the big stuff where we'd chosen what we wanted to keep. So we knew everything else wasn't important, and it made it easier. I'm not saying it was easy, it wasn't, and I still have a pang every time I drive past her home and remember I won't be dropping in or bringing her to ours for supper. But you do get used to it somehow.

[NeopreneMermaid]

I had to do similar this time last year. It was so, so hard esp as I am hugely sentimental. As for practical advice, you don't have to throw anything away if you don't want to. I filled most of my house and loft with loads of stuff and have gradually incorporated bits into my home. I still haven't gone through every box but occasionally I get The Brave out of nowhere and attack one or two. I've actually ended up donating most of it as I've discovered that it just doesn't fit in my life and I can disassociate the memories from the items. It's helped to take my time.

The Debi Gliori book Badger's Parting Gifts helped me more than the children too. 😳

[MrsJoshDun]

It is hard but it sounds like your mum needs to do it especially if she’s struggling financially.

You get through it because you need to and you need to help,your mum. When my dad died me and my brother had to sort through his house and then sell it. We didn’t keep anything apart from photos. I was gutted after selling the house, walking out for the last time and locking it up was tough. But after that it got easier.....seems like leaving the house for the last time was a massive hurdle but then you start having to look forward.

I’m guessing your mum is buying a new house so you will have somewhere to go with your dd and make memories, etc.

[MrsGAT]

Thank you all so much.

Sorry, should have made clearer. Apart from the funeral, my Mum hasn't spent one night at the house - she's been travelling round all of us 5 kids and our homes since he died (10 months ago), which in itself has been quite stressful. I'm finding it hard because she just deals with all of it on a very practical level and also has a slight tendency to turn it all into being about her (her loss, her problems etc), so it just feels very isolating and very hard when I sort of just want to her to acknowledge that leaving this house is hard for all of us. We're all encouraging to find somewhere new to live and turn over a new leaf, create new memories etc, but she keeps insisting she'd rather spend her life staying with each of us and has so far not even vaguely taken on the idea of finding somewhere else.
Thank you so much for your ideas and tips re keeping stuff. I have a horrible feeling much of it will get chucked and I don't have a very big place to store anything but I'm certainly going to try to salvage at least one or two special things of my Dad's and bring them into my home as lovely reminders
x

[mixture]

Most of us go through it at one point or another. You just go through with it. The only thing I regret now is that I didn't dig up some roses (if possible) that my mum planted in the 1980's.

You could also take lots of pictures, that's a way to keep things in memory but not actually having to store it.

Sorry you have to go through all of this.

[YesILikeItToo]

Oh gosh, your mum’s plan doesn’t sound like a very positive place to direct your energies, that’s what you need I suppose. My mum bought herself a cool new house and I was focused on helping her make a new home. I still ended up in counselling! I had no idea that this was the cause, but after she had completed the flitting I suddenly didn’t need any help anymore. It is stressful.

[Daffydil]

I went through the same about 18 months ago. My mum needed to sell the house (family home of 30 yrs) and it was massively heart wrenching for me. But it was right for her.

I bawled when I went home after helping her on the final day. I felt so lost and broken.

But it's mostly ok now.

You will get through it. Just give yourself time xx

[ErniesGhostlyGoldtops]

I sold my family home 12 years ago. I moved into it in 1963 when I was nine months old. I had no choice but to sell it but it nearly killed me and I still dream about the place and they aren't nice dreams because of the guilt I guess? I dream of winning the lottery and buying it back but another house has been built in the garden and it wouldn't be the same. It is a particular trauma out of all proportion and it's normal to feel the way you do I think.

[AJPTaylor]

my pil had a house they bought in 1963 with a massive garden. it was the centre of family life for 50 years.
when they died it was v hard indeed just sorting it all out. my lord.
however, it was lovely to know that it was going to be lived in by a couple and their young children creating memories of their own

[woodlanddreamer]

I feel for you, I have just had to clear out the home I grew up in. From a practical point of view, the mortgage should have been paid off when your DF died?

[DaphneduM]

It's very hard. Mercifully we had to clear out my parents house very quickly because we got a tenant in - so it was all blurred in with my father's passing. When we finally sold the house many years later we had all moved on emotionally. However I have so many happy memories of us all in their garden and it's your memories that count rather than the actual physical space. Your mum is doing the right thing by moving on, maybe you can encourage her by going to view some suitable houses with her? I'm she will come to realise that it isn't sustainable for her or the family just to constantly rotate around her children's homes. As someone else has said, presumably the mortgage should have been paid off at your father's death?

[ArdnaGreine]

My dad passed away in May of last year too. Someone said to me at the time you have lost a parent but your mum has lost her whole life. It is very true.

You have a husband, a child and a future. What does your mum have left.
Be supportive of her and deal with your own grief separately.

[Eggzandbacon]

Is your mum moving into somewhere new? This is a positive thing, she can’t afford the house and practically it sounds bigger than she needs. Moving when she herself gets older becomes much more difficult. It may improve things for her.

When DHs mother died he actually tried to keep hold of the family home 5 hours away for us to ‘holiday in’ which of course was ridiculous. Also leaving a house empty most of the time is asking for issues.

[needmorespace]

@ArdnaGreine
I agree with this - I was widowed a couple of years ago and at some point I will need to sell my home. One of my children is especially distressed at the prospect of this. But she has her whole life ahead of her (is off to uni) whilst I have to live with the memories day to day. I completely understand her distress and have promised her I won't do anything for at least five years. But living here is very difficult for me as I'm stuck in the past. I have done everything I can to change the house but as time goes on (when i retire) I won't be able to afford to live here anymore.
I understand your distress OP but it is difficult for your mother as well. There is no right or wrong that suits everyone.