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termination at 20 weeks due to multiple defects after 2 m/c

(117 Posts)
poppy34 Sat 05-May-07 21:16:39

sorry completely at a loss as scan yesterday showed multiple defects (there was almost no fluid in the sac which showed up in fact no kidneys could be seen, underdeveloped lungs, heart defects and other development issues). Both consultants I saw agreed taht prognosis was poor (if the baby survived to be born its life expectancy was limited). So dh and I decided to terminate to avoid prolonged suffering to the baby (and I am not sure how I would cope waiting to see what happens knowing the prognosis).

This is my third m/c (if you can call it that) after 2 last year where was left than 8 weeks. They're going to do tests afterwards to see if issue genetic etc. However my whole experience of pregnancy is one of fear/worry (3 m/c, not the best time trying to get antenatal care with over booked local health authority) that although I desperately want a baby (we've been ttc for nearly 2 years) , I am not sure I can go through another m/c or similar again

Also struggling to coep with how other people will react - felt very superstitious telling anyone this time anyway and find it very hard to cope with anyone but dh reactions. Does this get easier?

I am in total shock at the moment. Can anyone offer any advice/experiences on just geting through this week as I am now quite nervous about the whole medical termination procedure. I don't think it is the wrong thing to do but I'm frightened about what to expect (is there a lot of blood loss, what kind of pain relief shoudl I expect).

Sorry above very rambling but just helps to type it and also to know others out there have got through this..

tribpot Sat 05-May-07 21:20:01

I can only offer support, not experience, and I just wanted to say how desperately sorry I am for you in having to go through this

expatinscotland Sat 05-May-07 21:21:27

Bumping so hopefully someone who has more knowledge will see it.

Sorry about your losses.

emwad Sat 05-May-07 21:21:38

I'm sorry, haven't got any advice, I've not been through this, just feel for you poppy34 and huge big hugs.

cazzybabs Sat 05-May-07 21:22:08

Oh I am so sorry - every pregant woman's nightmare. I have no idea what you must be feeling but my thoughts are with you, your dh and your baby.

pucca Sat 05-May-07 21:22:24

Poppy....Just want to say i am so sorry you are going through all this, i too cannot really offer you advice, but just wanted to say i am thinking of you.

MuminBrum Sat 05-May-07 21:22:29

Oh Poppy, you poor love. How desperately sad for you and your DH. I can't offer you any advice but am so sorry to hear this terrible news.

noddyholder Sat 05-May-07 21:24:02

So so sorry for you and your dh.I have no experience but just want to offer my support xx

DrNortherner Sat 05-May-07 21:24:23

Oh Poppy, this is awful. So so sorry for you and the babies you have lost.

There are some mnetters who have experienced similar who I'm sure will be along soon.

unicorn Sat 05-May-07 21:25:27

I am so very sorry that you are having to go through this.
Give yourself time to grieve, and try and look after each other.


VeniVidiVickiQV Sat 05-May-07 21:26:33

IM so sorry

Do you feel you want a second opinion or further scan first? Ask if you feel it would make you feel slightly more reassured about your decision iykwim?

WRT to other people, tell them as much or as little as YOU want to.

Looking to the future - I do know that there have been many couples who have been through multiple m/cs and/or including late terminations. It does get easier with time, and they have gone on to have a healthy pregnancy and baby after.

NotanOtter Sat 05-May-07 21:27:48

So sorry for your loss Poppy - heartbreaking

I have had one of those 'medical terminations' for a missed miscarriage
mine was only at 13 weeks though. I will say that the pain was worse than i had anticipated so dp had to go back to the hospital after my release for more pain relief. i was on gas and air in hosp but found hospital stressful so asked to go home.
i passed wht they called' products' for two mornings following the termination which dp had to take to the hospital. this was not nice as i had to 'deal' with these on my own as dp was back at work...

overall the loss was quite heavy but the worst over - and all the pain over- in 2-3 days

please let us know how you are and ask me anything else you might want to know x

becaroo Sat 05-May-07 21:28:55

I had to terminate a pregnancy for health reasons a few weeks ago but only at 8 weeks and that was awful enough so cant imagine what you must be feeling/going through.
Take time to greive with your dh for what you have lost.
Am so very sorry

weepootleflump Sat 05-May-07 21:32:02

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, poppy34. My baby was diagnosed as anencephalic at your stage last year and I decided to carry on with the pregnancy, however it is very different to your situation and I'm sure you are doing the right thing for you.

When I did deliver, I was offered as much pain relief as I wanted - including morphine and I'm sure it will be the same in your case.

Don't be afraid to ask your consultant any questions that come into your head - as trivial they may seem.

I do hope it doesn't put you off trying again.

VeniVidiVickiQV Sat 05-May-07 21:33:21

NAO - sounds awful . However, I dont think the process will be like that for poppy.

NadineBaggott Sat 05-May-07 21:35:01

bloody hell that's terrible poppy. so sorry to hear about your losses.

NotanOtter Sat 05-May-07 21:37:02

It was not that awful - i did not know what it would be like and have not had the other sort.

poppy I think it will be a mixture of upset and relief for you - I hope i have no painted a bleak picture i did not mean to x

liquidclocks Sat 05-May-07 21:48:19

<<<poppy>>> So sorry.

My first baby had exactly the same issues that you describe. It was never confirmed as genetic but this being your third I can see why they'd need to test this time. I found out the problem a bit earlier and naturally miscarried at 16 wks or thereabouts. If you look up potters syndrome the symptoms are similar - but I would stress that your two previous m/c may not be related and this could be a one off - I've gone on to have two healthy boys.

I feel 'lucky' in a way, my decision was made for me and I don't think I truly understood the implications of the scan until it had happened anyway. But reading the stuff on potters syndrome (and oligohydramnios) made me realise that if I'd had longer to think about it then the right decision would have been to terminate - you'll be reducing your own and your baby's suffering. I read some heart wrenching stories of mothers who held their babies as they suffocated and felt blessed that we'd been spared that.

Once again, I'm so sorry, reading your story has brought back for me how sad it all was but you will find the strength to keep going from somewhere. My heart goes out to you and your DH, I hope it goes as smoothly as it can. x.

Marina Sat 05-May-07 21:50:32

Poppy, I had an induced labour to deliver a son who had died in the womb at 21 weeks. Although he was our second child we had been TTCing for two years. I am so very sorry that after the heartache of two m/cs you have had this devastating news about the prognosis of your baby .
It is a shock to get to 20 weeks and have the ground taken from from under your feet in this horrible way.
We were in a complete daze after the news was given us, also at a scan - neither of us can remember properly how we got home from the hospital (on public transport and I think we cried all the way).
My tips for getting through the delivery are to ask for as much or as little pain relief as you want. Seek the reassurance of the hospital that you will not just be put on the labour ward with the other mothers - most hospitals have a special, more private suite for people in your situation. Ask what kind of midwife support you can expect.
I did not lose a lot of blood. The labour was short once it started but you may need to be given several sets of drugs to make it start. Because of the circumstances you can ask for valium to help you while you wait for labour to kick in.
You can ask to see your baby or choose not to.
The midwife can take handprints for you and pictures, which can be kept at the hospital for you until you want to see them. Hospitals will keep these on file indefinitely, or if you prefer you can take them home in an envelope and keep them.
You can name your baby and have a funeral, after the postmortem, or not.
SANDS has done a lot to work with hospitals to ensure that parents who lose a baby prior to term are treated with compassion and respect. Throughout the next few days, you should be offered choices. You must choose what feels right for you.
I hope your hospital has a Bereavement Midwife who will coordinate your care during and after the birth, be your advisor and friend as you go through the process of trying to find out what caused your baby's serious defects, and help refer you to a counsellor if you want.
You are very welcome to CAT me if you want to discuss this off-board, and there are other Mners around who have gone through having to opt for termination at 20 weeks for similar reasons to yours, so hopefully they will see your thread too.
The telling other people thing - like everything in life, it will vary. You might be surprised at which of your friends instinctively say the right thing, and which ones just steer clear. We took the cowardly way out and sent a basic round-robin e-mail explaining we'd be out of touch for a while and why.
Sending you lots of love at this sad time. XXX

MKG Sat 05-May-07 21:57:09

I don't know what to say, but I just wanted you to know that I am sad for you and am thinking of you.

PigeonPie Sat 05-May-07 22:09:22

Poppy, I can't add anything else to Marina's thoughtful post except to say that my heart goes out to you and I will be thinking of you and your DH in the next days and weeks.

gothicmama Sat 05-May-07 22:12:37

Poppy so sorry for your loss, take time adn grieve I found having a ceremony for myself to remember my lost baby and making something as a memory helped me. I had had 6 M/c's over a 7 year period prior to my ectopic pregnancy and have since had two dc's and have just had another m/c although this time there was no baby as I had a blighted ovum, my best advice to you is to do things in you own time listen to what your body tells you, keep hope in your heart and do not rush any decisions either now or later. remember you are allowed to grieve and others may not get it but neverless you need to but again in a way that is meaningful to you. Time does lessen the pain

KerryMum Sat 05-May-07 22:16:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KerryMum Sat 05-May-07 22:19:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

funnypeculiar Sat 05-May-07 22:20:33

poppy - have no relevanant experience, but so sorry to hear this - thinking of you & your dp


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