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Emotional upheaval post bereavement

(3 Posts)
annandale Wed 21-Feb-18 20:21:54

I don't know how else to put this. I'm having a huge post-bereavement crush (on a completely safe and happily married person who I barely know and would never touch me with a bargepole for fear of losing his job - I'm certain this is relevant). I had one of these immediately after a major breakup in the past, but I didn't think it would happen after bereavement. I feel pretty scummy having these thoughts when dh is dead. Rationally I can see that I'm having strong emotions and this is a less distressing way of having emotions than grieving, but it's weird and upsetting. Has anyone else experienced this? Presumably it fades quite quickly?

xpc316e Fri 23-Feb-18 12:08:22

Firstly, I am sorry to read of your bereavement. Secondly, what you are feeling is absolutely normal. You have lost your mate in life. Whether we choose to have children is irrelevant, but the whole biological purpose in having a mate is to perpetuate the species. We are driven to do it and that has now been denied to you by your mate's passing; it is entirely normal for our subconscious to program us to keep the species going. It really is that simple. That is why you find this decent man attractive at this time.

Therefore, you must not beat yourself up over this. Grief affects us in different ways and whatever you feel is your emotion - there can be no right, or wrong here. It is also vital to believe that whatever you feel in no way disrespects your dh. Do not feel as though you are 'scummy' - feel how your emotions instruct you to feel, and you will gradually work your way through this.

I learned yesterday of the death of my 94 year old Mum, so I know exactly what grief is. I hope you work through this and get back on an even keel. Best wishes.

annandale Fri 23-Feb-18 22:19:35

Thank you xpc and I'm sorry your mum died. Dh's death has finally made me more aware of all the bereaved people around me and I guess all emotions are nearer the surface at the moment. It's probably best to think of this crush as one wave in a stormy sea (with a logical rationale as you say).

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