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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Why am I not grieving

25 replies

HidingInTheBathroom · 29/12/2017 00:00

This is my first post so please be gentle. My mum passed two weeks ago very very suddenly. She was just 57 (would of been 58 tomorrow) I was with her as she got out the shower and complained she had pain. Mum just collapsed and stop breathing. I have cpr until the ambulance came but it didn’t work. Turns out it was heart disease which mum nor me had any idea.

So that was two weeks ago. I had a few minutes of crying but that’s it. I have been very very busy. With organising the funeral, meeting with accountants, pro bate solicitors, bank manager etc. You see we run a medium size family business and it’s been none stop. I’m working most nights even over Christmas as I have 30 odd staff to look after.

My dad died 3 years ago aged just 63 with 6 month battle with Leukaemia.

So now my problem is I feel normal. Like nothing has happened. I even managed the eulogy Without a tear yesterday. It’s not like I wasn’t close to my mum. We was together nearly everyday. We worked together and I even moved next door to her a few years ago and spent most nights round there. She was my best friend. Everyone is saying how strong I’ve been but I really wish I could cry. I don’t feel anything. Nothing at all.

Am I normal or am I a monster.

OP posts:

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MyBrilliantDisguise · 29/12/2017 00:03

I'm so sorry you lost your mum.

Of course you aren't a monster! Don't even think about that.

You are in a state of shock, I think, and too busy to allow yourself to think about it.

This will come, so if you can, try to arrange your work so that if you need some time off, you'll be able to take it.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2017 00:04

Oh Hiding you are not a monster. I am so so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you're in shock, that's all. You've been so none stop you're heart hasn't caught up. You haven't had space to cry because you've had to do so much for everyone else, including your mom.
Do you have any RL support? Do you have any space and time for you?
The grief will come

Friendofsadgirl · 29/12/2017 00:05

No lovely, you're not a monster. I suspect you're still in shock and this is yet to hit you. It will. Be kind to yourself when it does.

Sorry for your loss.

Atalune · 29/12/2017 00:07

I suspect you’re in shock as well as being consumed with doing all the administrative tasks.

Be kind to yourself and don’t feel guilty you’re not weeping.

HidingInTheBathroom · 29/12/2017 00:09

I’ve got my brothers but they are only 22 and my husband. I can’t take time out from work as there is only me now and it’s in such a mess. I’ve got 4 young children too and currently 3 are I’ll from a viral.

My aunty has been great but honestly I feel fine which is scaring me. I did feel a little like this with my dad but not to this extent.

The only thing is every time I try to sleep I see my mum blue and relieving giving her cpr. I can’t get the image out my head.

OP posts:

Isadora2007 · 29/12/2017 00:11

You are totally normal and this is just one of the stages of grief and it’s a form of self protection- to let you get on with what you feel you have to for now. Like the funeral and the meetings etc.
The sadness and loss will come, at its own pace and when it is right for you. I hope you have some support around you. Please don’t put any pressure on yourself to “do grief correctly” you are doing it the way that is right for you.
I’m so so sorry for your loss, you and your Mum sound like you had a great relationship indeed.

SammySays · 29/12/2017 00:12

You poor thing you sound like you are in shock. I have no advice unfortunately but wanted to tell you how sorry I am for you. I imagine that at some point this will hit you and I truly hope that you are ok when it does

Isadora2007 · 29/12/2017 00:14

Sorry I posted while you were writing too. That re- running of your trauma is also normal and you will be in shock from that awful experience. You did what you could though and at least you know that. My BIL always wonders “what if”? As he arrived after his dad collapsed and although he did CPR there was a significant time his dad had been “down” prior to that so he didn’t make it. BIL wonders if he had been there at his collapse and done CPR would it have saved him. You know it wouldn’t and you were in a way honoured to be there at her passing as she was there as you took your first breath.

Notinmybackyard · 29/12/2017 00:16

It sounds like you are in shock and by being so busy you haven’t had time to grieve properly. Maybe you should try to slow down a bit, is that possible now that Christmas is over, can someone else share your workload? Keeping busy is good but if you don’t grieve now it will happen at a later date and maybe hit you harder. I lost both my parents within a year and my Mum was only 63. She had a sudden unexpected heart attack too, with no warning. That was 27 years ago. I did not get counselling at the time but have had some since. In hindsight I should have had counselling sooner but I was busy raising 3 small children. Try to take some time for yourself, do you have some family members or friends who you could spend some time with, so you could talk if you need to, sharing memories can be very therapeutic. 💐

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2017 00:18

22 is adult, and you are all grieving the same loss. Its ok to ask them to pitch in or to lean on them, same as DH X

HidingInTheBathroom · 29/12/2017 00:19

It’s like I don’t believe she has gone and it’s all a bad joke. But I did have a good Christmas Day with the kids and I even had a dance at the funeral with the family. I can smile and laugh but feel like crap because I know I shouldn’t be laughing.

I am normally a emotional person. I cry at bloody adverts so I’m so confused why I’m not messed up with my mum dying.

OP posts:

HidingInTheBathroom · 29/12/2017 00:22

I’m worried I’m going to crack up/loose the plot but can’t afford to.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2017 00:25

I suspect its that "can't afford to " which is locking down your emotions. Shock and grief are awful but there isn't a rule book. Could you for spume grief counseling in? Might help you to start working through inside your head?

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 29/12/2017 00:25

Dear op, it’s only been two weeks and your loss was unexpected, it’s a strange time of year and it sounds like you have had to deal with the arrangements. You are dealing with the situation amazingly and putting everyone else first, you will grieve in your own time, embrace it and don’t hold back. My heart goes out to you

strawberrymarshmallow · 29/12/2017 00:27

I'm so sorry for your loss . I think this is normal. I found I couldn't grieve properly for a long time because it just hadn't hit me yet, almost like my mind just blocked it out somehow and wouldn't let me process it.
I kind of think that the people crying at the funeral are the people who are often not as close to the person. They are able to cry etc straight away. It took me 6 months until it finally hit me. It is still very new, you haven't had a chance to process everything yet.

HidingInTheBathroom · 29/12/2017 00:33

Thank you. I’m worried about work that if I mess up a lot of people will loose there jobs me included. I’m worried that if probate takes us over the threshold I would have to sell the works building which could close us down. I’m worried about so much and also cursing my mum for leaving us like this (which is wrong). Mum kept a lot of things to her self with business and I don’t have a clue how to carry on. However my brothers are helping. I have a older half brother who is great but he dosnt live near. My DH Is at home with the children and he is a great help.

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WeAllHaveWings · 29/12/2017 00:33

After I found my dad, I woke up every morning and had a wee cry in the shower and then got dressed and on with my day, sorting out mum, the funeral, the paperwork and keeping busy with so much going on. It wasn’t until a couple of weeks later when I took the dog for a walk (dh had been doing it while I was busy), and I was in the middle of nowhere, in the peace and quiet without a soul around that it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was a sobbing snottery mess, I could hardly breathe I was crying so hard and cuddling the poor dog.

Luckily another dog walker I had met, chatted with before and thankfully had hankies, found me and calmed me down and we walked and talked about my dad and I made it home. That was the start of me grieving.

It took me a long time before I could walk the dog anywhere quiet without tears and talking aloud to my dad.

I think it will come to you when you have sometime to yourself when you don’t have a million things on your mind or other people to worry about. It has to, you have to grieve to move on and get used to them not being around. Maybe start planning when you can have that quiet time to let it hit.

So sorry for your loss.

BackforGood · 29/12/2017 00:35

It is a totally normal stage of grief. You have gone into shock, and 'practical functioning mode'. It is very normal to want to keep everything running and deal with everything that needs dealing with. What you will need to do - maybe in a months time, or maybe later, is make time to grieve. Arrange some bereavement counseling if you like. Put your favourite Solemn / moving music on. Maybe sit and talk with your brothers. Maybe get some old photos out. Whatever it takes, but try not to keep on and on postponing it. Carve some time out for yourself.
I really feel for you. That is so young to have lost not one, but two parents .

Notinmybackyard · 29/12/2017 00:36

Sorry I didn’t post quickly enough to see your answer. As a previous poster said you did your best to save your Mum and you couldn’t have done any more than you did. As your Dad died quite recently your body is probably protecting you from the double grief, you still have your family to look after and your business is keeping you busy too. I understand what you say about your last memory of your Mum. I saw my Mum in her coffin as I wanted to put a bouquet of her favourite flowers in her hands, it was obviously still her but it shocked me to see her like that. So cold and not the same colour skin. I can only say that the memory has now almost faded with time and I am glad that I saw her that one last time to say Goodbye. So sorry for your loss. I still miss my Mum. Try to think of happy times you spent together, when you are trying to sleep. Maybe see your Doctor if you can’t sleep and see if he can help in anyway by referring you for counselling. It can take months to be seen so worth looking into, you can always change your mind at a later date and someone else can take your place on the waiting list.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/12/2017 00:37

OP I am sorry for your loss

I too think you are in shock and by keeping busy you are not having time to grieve.

Is there anyone in the business who can step up and take some of the load off you? I am assuming you are now trying to do 2 people's work as well as look after 4 children. That is too much to be sustainable for any period of time, never mind the fact that you have just lost your mum.

You need to look after yourself.

I lost my DF nearly 3 months ago and, although I was really upset when he died, I did go through a denial period. I have found the last month the hardest so far as I think the realisation of his death has finally sunk in.

Lweji · 29/12/2017 00:37

As others have said. It will hit you at some point. Possibly when you least expect it. More likely when you have time and are ready to really think about it.

It's all part of the grieving process. Don't feel bad about it.

SheepAreSuper · 29/12/2017 00:50

I'm so sorry for your loss

Similarly to you I lost my mum, my best friend, when she was relatively young, went through all of the motions in the weeks and months after her passing with barely a flicker of emotion and I felt horrible for it, like I was doing her some kind of injustice by not being crippled with grief.

Then I waited, expecting it to hit me hard at some point and nearly 3 years on I still haven't had the emotional response I expected to. Whether I ever will, I don't know.

Take each day as it comes. Shock is nature's sedative, give yourself space and time and don't be afraid to laugh and carry on living. Whatever emotions you go through will be normal for you alone.

HidingInTheBathroom · 29/12/2017 10:49

Thank you. For your kind words.

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FriggyPudding · 29/12/2017 17:34

Hiding, I'm so sorry about your mum.

When my sister died, very suddenly, last year (in her 20s), I had phases of feeling exactly as you describe - just nothing at all. And I was so confused by it - I love my sister with all my heart, so how could I keep putting one foot in front of the other? I still do have times of thinking it's just some sick joke. I think the truth of it is that it can take a long time for reality to trickle in. Try to be patient with yourself. The grieving will come (and there may be times when you wish the nothingness will come back). Every moment of it will pass. Thinking of you.

LuckyBitches · 02/01/2018 12:43

Well, you're definitely not a monster! I'm so sorry you lost your mum OP, in what sounds like a particularly distressing way, for you.

You'll start to grieve in a way that is recongnisable to you when you're ready. Numbness can feel convincingly like nothing, but it's just a part of the process. And this process is different for everyone, in each situation. I do wonder if it's the person who dies first that gets the most obvious grief response. When DB was dying I was in bits, four years later my Dad is dying and I just feel annoyed about it. More convincing numbness I suppose!

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