Stillborn Son

[guestofclanmackenzie]

I am so sorry if what I am about to type upsets anyone. I just need to get some very painful thoughts and feelings out.

DN has had a healthy and normal pregnancy. She got to 41 weeks..last week was in and out of hospital with reduced movement..scanned..told all was okay. Last Friday I took her out for lunch and we talked excitedly about her birth plan, talked about plans for Xmas day (I'm hosting) the little Xmas outfit he is going to be wearing on Xmas day and when I dropped her off, the last thing she said to me was "next time you see me, I'll have a baby with me!"
The rest of the story has been told to me in a bit of a blur by my shocked Dsis. She had a "sweep" on Wednesday as she had gone a week over her due date - heartbeat all fine..and then they sent her home. Thursday she rang the hospital as she had backache and said she didn't feel right and that something was off. Was scanned and told the baby has died.

My poor 20 year old DN then had to endure one of the the worst things imaginable to me. Through a painful birth which my DSIS tells me will haunt her for the rest of her life. (Dsis was her birth partner) My DN and her partner were so strong and brave but the family are completely shocked, numb and devastated.

I can't stop thinking about the pain she must be in..having to go home after giving birth with no baby. Having a body that has physically just given birth and having leaky nipples. Having to see all the baby paraphernalia in her house. Today she had to go down to the registry office to register the birth..and death as one date.

I can't stop thinking about where did it all go wrong? What the heck happened? How can something like this happen in this day and age?

[Jobjobjob]

I'm so sorry, life can be shockingly cruel at times.

Xx

[ggirl]

God that is so sad ..completely devastating.SO sorry for your family

Did the hospital give her any indication of cause.?

[Mugshotzforlunch]

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's so sad and cruel.

[guestofclanmackenzie]

GGirl

No they haven't. An autopsy has been done and we are awaiting the results. There are so many questions we need answers to. Hopefully once we have some kind of explanation, we can try and recover from this. Sadly, I am aware this may not happen.

[westridingpauperlunaticasylum]

I can't even begin to imagine the pain both physically and emotionally. I have a friend who had a still born child on Christmas Day. She has created a life beyond that but her first born will always be with her and those close to her for ever x

[MayFayner]

I am so sorry for your loss, what a terrible thing to have happened.

[chiaseeddisapointmentagain]

I am so so so sorry.

[gingerbreadmam]

I am very sorry for your loss and for what your dn has gone through.

Please try and encourage her to get in touch with sands. They are a great support.

I would think once the post mortem results are back you will hopefully get some information on what happened.

My son was stillborn at 27weeks. I was lucky that I didn't have everything for him and didn't have to face all that.

If you need any thoughts or advice about funerals etc to help them they're are lots of people (sadly) on here that can give pointers. I would be happy to share what we did if it helps.

Unfortunately sometime the post mortem results don't give a reason. Ours didn't. That's not always a bad thing though as if there is no reason you can feel a bit more optimistic that one day you will have a successful pregnancy.

I had multiple Christmas outfits bought for my son. They are at my DMs in a suitcase unworn. So sad.

[Sullabylullaby]

Life can be so immeasurably cruel. Your poor niece. God love her. She will need lots of support over the coming months and years probably. I hope she finds some sort of peace and acceptance.

[guestofclanmackenzie]

Thanks to all for the kind words.

Gingerbreadmam so sorry you have been through the same experience.

I'm going to take your advice and give her the details for sands. We are all going to support her best we can. We are a small but close family...but I think she is going to need professional help.

[user1474652148]

So deeply sorry - thank goodness she has loving family to get her through - you are a life line

[Imstickingwiththisone]

That is incredibly sad OP and I am so sorry for your DN. It is a tragedy in itself and having to give birth and facing everything else is just cruel

[gingerbreadmam]

Sands usually run local support groups. Would definitely recommend them. Its not what oh thing like as or anything like that but it is a great space to say exactly how you feel or just hear how others feel who have been through it.

Everyone is different but you can guarantee that someone there will have felt like you do at some point.

It's really hard once this has happened to you as your life changes forever and people around you even with the best intentions quickly forget and it is very difficult to get through it alone.

[buntingqueen]

Absolutely heartbreaking. I don’t know how people carry on after this, but they do. Your DN will need all of your strength and support. So so sorry for you.

[CoffeeAndCakeEssentials]

I am so sorry for the loss OP. Your DN must be utterly heart broken. Life is unbearably cruel at times

[SJ88]

I am so so sorry for the loss you your nephew. Sometimes there are just no words to describe how cruel life can be. I also lost my daughter at 41 weeks in February this year. I had a sweep on Friday, went into labour on Saturday and she died during an emergency csection during the every early hours of Sunday morning. At the time there was no explanation as to why - I had a completely normal pregnancy and my baby was healthy when I went into labour. We found out it was a combination of medical negligence and infection after a post mortem but it did take several months for the results of this to get back to us - just something for you to be prepared for, we were told 6 weeks but it was closer to 16.
It sounds like your niece is lucky and has a great support network around her. I think the best things you can do for her now are - ask to see pictures of her little boy and talk about him like one of the family, because he is!
Let her talk about her birth and all her feelings at her own pace, I went between numbness to every possible emotion several times a day for those first few days and weeks.
Reassure her no matter what it's not her fault, she did everything she could to keep him safe and protected him for 41 weeks - guilt is an emotion so many loss mothers feel, myself included, but I think it's important to reassure her that she has nothing at all to feel guilty about if she ever suggests other wise.
Help out around the house and with food - she might not be able to face doing much other than grieve at the minute but take her lead too - we had so many visitors in the days after my little girl died it was quite overwhelming and sometimes we just wanted a little time to ourselves to grieve in private.
Signpost her to Sands - I've met so many great people through their support groups and forum and they have helped me more than you can imagine, just having someone who really understands is a godsend even if they can't help at least they make you feel a little more normal.
Also try not to talk about "the next baby" or how she can "try again" if she doesn't bring it up. I found this incredibly difficult after my little girl was born SO many people just talked about "next time" and how it would be different, I felt as though they wanted to replace and forget my daughter after only a few weeks. Take her lead with this and only bring it up if she mentions it. She may want to try again quickly, lots of people do. I am currently expecting another baby due in April this year but it's a decision for her and her partner to make when the time is right and it can be hurtful when others just expect you to move on and try again. You would never tell someone who lost a husband to just go out and find another husband so the same principle applies to a mother and baby.
Finally try to remember that grief lasts a long time and even though she may seem much better in a months time she will most likely still be finding it incredibly difficult and knowing that others still think about and talk of her son will probably mean the world to her.
You really do sound fantastic though and I wish you and your family lots of love at this very very difficult time. Xx

[guestofclanmackenzie]

*SJ88
Thank you so much for your reply and for sharing your story. Your words have resonated with me as there are a lot of similarities there in your story regarding what happened to my DN. I don't want to give too many details away as it will out her but various family members suspect if the hospital had done things differently it could have prevented this from happening. I'm not saying we want to go around placing the blame with anyone..but like I said there are lots of questions we need answers to.
Thank you and gingerbread mama for recommending Sands. I've messaged her and forwarded the details to her. She's heard of them via the hospital but didn't know if they are any good or if there was a centre in our area which there is. So she's pleased about that.
I guess taking one day at a time and knowing that time is a great healer is the way forward.
Thanks again for your support.

[gingerbreadmam]

It might be a good support for her if you or another family member could attend a sands group with he. Sometimes it's good to have some personal support there as it can become quite emotional as you can imagine.

It is a very safe space to let everything out though. I have thought some terrible things as the mother of a stillborn baby and felt some terrible things and I know the only people that really truly understand are those who have been there.