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Awful six months

(31 Posts)
Mrsdraper1 Tue 12-Dec-17 21:02:05

Just had the most awful 6 months and I need someone to talk to.
In July my BIL (sister's hubby) died suddenly from an aneurysm. He was only in his forties. Left behind his twoDC's and 2 SDC's.
In November my cousin in his early 40's with 2 very young DC's had a cardiac arrest caused by a blood clot and died.
On Friday it was his funeral and that day we got the news that my DH's cousin committed suicide. DH is devastated. Cousin was like a big brother. He was godfather to one of our DC's.
My mum is having an op over christmas that will tell us if she has cancer or not.
I'm just reeling from all this and trying to support everyone.
I have gone to the gynacologist today and she thinks I am in Perimenopause.
I just can't take anymore. I'm so worried about so many family members and I'm scared stiff about mum.
We have moved further away and I don't know anyone here so that's making it even harder. I've got no one to talk to.
Am sitting here on my own in the kitchen crying, trying not to let DH hear me.

happygolulu Tue 12-Dec-17 22:30:08

My heart goes out to you. I have had a 4 year long run of bereavement, illnesses in family and similar and I am perimenopausal! I have never known a time like it in my life. You will no doubt, be digging very deep within yourself to keep strong and support those around you. Crying will do you good and let out some of the painful emotions you must be feeling. You need to keep well and look after yourself but also listen to your body. Rest when you feel exhausted and do things when you have the energy. Maybe write a journal of how you are feeling and the worries you have. Make sure you have someone you can talk to. I remember trying to be strong for several male members of my family when I lost my DM and eventually it became too much for me. This is a tough time but you will come out the other side. You will have to dig very deep within yourself at times but with that will come a new strength. Be kind to yourself at every opportunity. Big hugs.

Traffig Tue 12-Dec-17 22:55:15

Oh MrsDraper
Hand hold here flowers
A lovely reply there from Lulu and hugs to you too.
It is ok to cry it does help. You sound worn out with trying to support everyone else. Please be kind to yourself and take it little bit by little bit.

Listening here and I hope it helps to pour it all out. I seem to have been on a very rocky road for a long time with one thing and another. Nothing wrong in a good old cry. x

These people also are great to talk to if you have been affected by suicide. I've lost a work colleague and also a very good friend to suicide.
www.uk-sobs.org.uk/contact/

Hopefullywaiting Tue 12-Dec-17 22:56:32

Op i am truly sorry for all you and your Dh and Family are going through. Such an immense strain.

I dont feel saying im sorry for your losses is appropriate as it dosent help i know or take the turmoil away.

Some great advice and support from Happygolulu i couldnt say anything better really. Just sending you strength and wishing you peace soon from all the difficulties you are facing. Im keeping my finger s crossed for your mum . your all in my thoughts flowersflowersflowers xxxx

Hopefullywaiting Tue 12-Dec-17 23:03:37

Cross post with traffiq
Also really good advice. I havnt had experience of losing anyone close to me through sucide so did not feel i should comment.
So glad they could direct you in help with support in a very sensitive and delicate subject.
flowers flowersfor you traffiq for your losses also xx

Traffig Tue 12-Dec-17 23:17:45

@ Hopefullywaiting lovely post, you are so kind x flowers

Hopefullywaiting Wed 13-Dec-17 00:58:12

Im glad that post come across ok traffig was a little worried as not great with wording at the moment or thinking too clearly with a very recent loss xx

Apologies to happy as i overlooked you mentioning a four year run of bereavement flowers for you xxx

flowers to all on this thread for your losses xx

Mrsdraper1 Wed 13-Dec-17 06:14:15

Thank you so much for your kind replies.
It's all just so shocking partly I think because they were all young to die and the suicide because now looking back the signs were there. But it wasn't a cry for help he meant to do it because he couldn't see a way out of some mistakes he felt he had made in life.
Am just so scared as well that no one is "safe" now.
It's like the solid ground under our feet is gone.
My sister hasn't been doing too well lately and I know Christmas will be so hard for her. Me and hubby were saying if it wasn't for our DC's we would be cancelling Christmas.
Too many funerals. Another one on Saturday and it will be hard. We are both so drained.
I really appreciate your taking the time to listen, I don't know anyone round here so can't even ask my friend to come round for a bottle of wine and a laugh/cry.
My heart breaks for the kids, I cry just thinking about them.
Am feeling very sorry for myself at the moment. Going to buy a christmas tree on Friday and will decorate with the kids when they get home from school and try to have some nice family time.
Am off today so when I have got the kids to school am going to find a cheesy 80's film to watch and try to forget about everything for a while.
Thank you so much for all the replies Happy Traffig and Hopefully
and flowers for you too.
My eldest DC said she wants to go and light a candle for everyone on Sunday so I will take her. It's a nice thing for her to do. Better take the tissues with me.

echt Wed 13-Dec-17 09:05:42

I'm speechless in the face of the load of your grief, MrsDraper1. Reacting to bereavement isn't a competition, but blow after blow must take its special toll. traffiq has offered good advice.

The candle lighting sounds lovely.

thanks

Easilyflattered Wed 13-Dec-17 09:17:34

I'm so sorry OP, our family went through a really bad time with bereavements a few years back and it was so very very hard.

You need someone you can talk to without worrying that they're also near breaking point, so probably not a family member. Maybe your GP could get some counseling for you?

I hope your mum will be ok. Sending you virtual strength vibes x

LuckyBitches Wed 13-Dec-17 10:07:32

What a horrible time you've had OP, I'm so sorry.

Remember though, this run of losses doesn't mean that you're about to lose your mum. There could well be a positive outcome. These things aren't connected, although I know it might not seem this way.

flowersflowersflowersflowers

Traffig Wed 13-Dec-17 10:47:45

Morning MrsD and lovely people.
Well, Mrs.D what lovely people here, their kindness shines out doesn't it?
I hope that it's a small comfort to know that there is such goodness about in what is sometimes a very uncaring world.

Perhaps a quiet and gentle Christmas? Draw on the spirit of what it is really supposed to be about. Lighting candles can be a great support with the ritual of it all if that makes sense.

It is a natural thing to reflect on someone's actions when you have lost them to suicide. The "if onlys". Losing people through illness is difficult enough but we don't say " if only I had been a great surgeon".

People who suicide see it ( at the time) as the only release from their own darkness. It is natural to feel angry with them also. Try to love them for who they were and know that it was not your fault.

Please do give SOBS a call. They are so kind and you can just hold the phone and blub a bit and they will not mind at all. In fact - that is what most of us do at first. Good for you for reaching out here.

SOBS are there from 9 am to 9pm. They have local support groups too - so someone can come and see you if you would like this. They were a great support to me.
uksobs.org/contact/

I hope your day is a gentle one and please know that people care.
Still listening and a hug from me if that's ok x flowers

This time will pass eventually. I wish I could speed time up for you so you and yours were in a better place. Instead if it is ok, will continue to peek in on you .

Hopefullywaiting Wed 13-Dec-17 11:05:41

Is it such a terrible shock for you, all of them so young and i can only imagine loss through sucuide is a unique type of grief. So very very tough.

The candle idea is lovely and its touching your eldest is taking part.

I hope its ok to make a suggestion. you mentioned buying a tree on friday. Would you be open to buying a tree ornament or decoration for each member of family lost?

Thats what i have done just brought my 4th one for the tree. I went and picked them espically ones that i thought thats very them and feel special. i wasnt looking forward to putting decs up or the tree as just not feeling happy at all this year. But it has brought a slight comfort.

We are all different of course and it may not be for you.

I hope the candle lighting brings some comfort.

Xxx

Mrsdraper1 Wed 13-Dec-17 12:54:40

Thank you all so much, am crying again but in a better way because you have all been so lovely.
Hubby's lovely cousin was a really special bloke, he was the one who really made me feel I was part of the family. I danced a waltz with him at my wedding after dancing with DH and the DF and DFIL. He loved Anastacia, which we always used to take the piss out of him for, she was always playing in his car! He was a teacher and so great talking to teenagers, it's hard to believe that someone so good with advice could feel so low. Some people hide in plain sight I suppose.
He had split up with his wife last year and a mutual friend said that he (cousin) was talking about how he knew it was the biggest mistake of his life. His last thoughts were for her, she said he text to tell her he loved her.
We think he couldn't hack the thought of Christmas, putting on a brave face.
I feel so sorry for him, to be in such a dark place that he felt it was his only option. My DH is wracked with guilt but it isn't his fault.
Anyway, I will definitely do the candle lighting and I like the decoration idea, we will choose one at the Christmas market.
Thank you for the info on SOBS Traffig I am going to have a look at it. Easilyflattered You are right, it's hard to talk to anyone in the family because we are all emotional and no one wants to make it harder for anyone else.
My mum is convinced she is ill, I just hope that is based on being a pessimist rather than how she physically feels.
Anyway, thank you all so much. Your kind words mean so much to me, you have no idea.
To anyone who is grieving, I send you love and hugs, it's so hard.

Traffig Wed 13-Dec-17 13:22:39

I have Christmas Tree decorations to remember people. fsmile
One is a glittery butterfly an elderly uncle bought for me not long after his wife passed. Another is a snowflake with a small photograph in the centre. Then there is a red and gold enamelled apple, bought after 9/11. ( As in the "Big Apple").
There is a silver capital letter and finally there is a shiny little red fire engine to remind me of firefighters I knew - a brave young woman lost at work in dreadful circumstances, and one who could not manage this world any longer.

I think of their families, and I think of them each Christmas ( and in between). I get a bit teary when I take them out each year but also when I look at them I do smile at the daft things like your waltz and Anastacia's music MrsD.

The things that make you smile and remember with affection are the real people we knew and cared about.

I am thinking of you and everyone here and your Mum.
Keep writing if it helps but no obligation, we get it x

Mrsdraper1 Wed 13-Dec-17 21:16:52

Thank you Traffig, so much xxx

Traffig Wed 13-Dec-17 22:03:36

Our privilege MrsD xx

Hopefullywaiting Fri 15-Dec-17 21:26:31

How are you op? I will be thinking of you for tommorow. Wishing you strength and love to get through the funeral flowersflowers xxx

Traffig Fri 15-Dec-17 22:14:45

flowers from me Mrs.D
Hopefully, you are so thoughtful x

Hopefullywaiting Fri 15-Dec-17 22:56:25

Hi Traffiq

Thankyou x Just trying to help where i can in such a terribly sad and difficult time. Cant seem to help myself much at the moment . so sad right now. So any comfort i can give to others means a lot.

I liked your post about the tree ornaments, meant to reply . espically liked that you have the red and gold apple and the fire engine, as you adapted things and made the meanings personal to yourself if that makes sense. Xx

Traffig Fri 15-Dec-17 23:08:46

Hi Hopefully,
It is a sad time of year when you have lost dear people. I think it helps to hold a hand out to others..... so Mrs. D is giving us a bit of a lift also.
Glad you liked the story of the ornaments, it's a case of whatever helps is a good thing. I'm not really a religious person but lighting a candle always gives me a comfort also.

I'm away to bed in a mo but if you need (or Mrs D) a bit of company now and then send me a pm. I look in most days so will always get back.
Take care now and safest dreams to you and Mrs. D and all the good folks here. flowers

Mrsdraper1 Mon 18-Dec-17 16:53:48

Hello,
Thanks for your kind good wishes. We had to travel to the funeral and I didn't check online.
It was really hard, DH was a mess. I think being around his family was a help though although some of the daft stuff people say makes you despair sometimes. There were a few comments about surely his wife won't be too bothered as they had split up. She didn't want to split and they had been together for 25 years. You don't just stop caring. I was speechless.
I feel quite relieved now it's done. Just got to get through Christmas now. Which will feel very strange. Too many empty chairs.

My mum's op has been brought forward to this week on Thursday (was supposed to be the 29th) which means I can't be with her when she goes in. But I am trying to look on the brightside that when I get there as planned I will be more help because she will be home and need some TLC.
Am totally disorganised for Christmas, haven't wrapped anything. Can't even remember what I have bought now.
I will keep checking back, thanks for listening.

Traffig Mon 18-Dec-17 20:09:42

Hello Mrs D.

Sounds a real tough trip for you both. flowers
People do say the most daft unthinking things at funerals at times. I'm glad that you are all safe back at home. Time to draw breath a bit.
Just have a really quiet Christmas, as easy as you can, enjoy the children, maybe do things a little differently?

I hope your mother's op goes as comfortabley as possible for her. Are there other members of the family who can be with her when she goes into the hospital?

I haven't wrapped anything yet either, planning to do it all next weekend. I'm always a bit last minute but we always muddle through!
I do keep eyeing up the bottle of Baileys though!

Hope that you are being kind to yourselves in the Draper Household.
Manageable tasks only! And small steps. smile
Best wishes
T

Mrsdraper1 Wed 20-Dec-17 12:28:22

Hi everyone,
not having a good day today. Mum is going for her op tomorrow early. I spoke to her last night and she was clearly really nervous. I just want to go and hug her. But I am too far away and due to committments I can't be there before boxing day. Its such a major op and then to have to wait to find out if she's ok or not. My sister is worried about being there when she has the op because when her DH died in July he was in critical care for 11 days and she has really bad memories of him being in the hospital bed.
Really wish we hadn't moved away as it's making it harder. I don't want to be here, I won't want to come back when I get there.
Had a cry this morning. I just couldn't stop it coming out. Keep trying to pull myself together.
I feel like I have so much to do I don't know where to start so I don't do anything. The house is a real mess.
Just a bad bad day.

Jenijena Wed 20-Dec-17 12:30:28

hugs mrsdraper, what a tough time you’re having. Thinking of you and your mum today.

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