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Aunt Died suddenly in icu

(16 Posts)
Hopefullywaiting Tue 05-Dec-17 12:30:03

I found out through someone else that my Aunt was in the icu late on Thursday night.

The following day I found out through a family member that she was in a bad way. She had a rupture of the bowel and had to go through Two operations and a series of testing . the results revealed she had cancer and it had spread throughout her body into her brain.

On sunday the hospital decided that they were withdrawing her treatment that evening and letting nature take its course. We went up there late evening and planned to go back first thing yesterday morning. But she passed away before we could.

Im finding it hard not just because of the grief but guilt. As i couldn't have contact with her in the last few years due to her son.

He was and is a very violent, voltile person , a bully and as far as im aware still on hard drugs. He is very unstable.

He has caused gbh previously to my grandad , attacked my Aunts partner and Abused/Bullied various family members for money including my mum and grandad ( which is what prompted the gbh attack) .he also attempted to attack my nan but was stopped by another family member thankgod. There was also an incident of sexual abuse when i was a teen involving him (never reported).

We did have an injunction on him but that has since expired. We moved but he found out where we were living .He was released from prison earlier in the year and has been straight back round knocking on the door.

Grandad now showing signs of dementia and mum has mental health issues so its worrying as they are vunerable. Grandad does worry and feel threatned.

My aunt also had mental health issues and her son took advantage of that. He lived with her bullied for money and isolated her from friends so he could continue with his actions unquestioned.She couldnt see the situation for what it was which is why in the end we had to not have contact.

Before those events i was very close to my Aunt she treated me like a daughter. in primary school i used to spend each weekend with her.
She was always bringing me things or other family members that shed seen and thought we would like. And we did used to have a laugh.

Her mental health has detriorated rapidly in the last few years and she was under immense stress from him .

It now feels its all hanging in the air. I feel on edge that hes going to come round again guns blazing because of his mums loss. I dont know what were supposed to do regarding the funeral arragements or attending.

The police have been no support in regards to him coming round as until he does something (Regardless of previous injunction) there isnt anything they can do. As he is just knocking at the door. Though he has shouted through the door on occasions and looked through the living room windows to see if someones home.

Police just say to phone if he comes round again. Then either phone or come round hours or days later. To say phone us again. So feel we have no real security.

Just feel so sad about my Aunt guilt on letting him affect the relationship and regret the time lost with her. And knowing we wont have a say in any of her arrangements because of everything. Dont know if he will let us go.
I can see him playing the trump card just to get us back. Which sounds terrible but is a very likely scenario.

Yesterday was my scheduled day off . work have let me have today off but cant afford me to be off tommorow.

Just feel at a loss.


Hopefullywaiting Tue 05-Dec-17 22:31:36

Feel so stressed out and anxious i dont feel able to cope with work right now and dont feel entitled to any time off to grieve as they said shes not immediate family.

ElephantsandTigers Sat 09-Dec-17 19:50:59

hopefully, I'm sorry you've had no responses and I'm very sorry for your loss. What an horrific time you've had topped off by your aunts death. I'm not sure what to say other than seek support and maybe legal advice. If your aunt saw you as a daughter she may have left you something and it sounds like your cousin may try and circumvent her will.

Take care of yourself flowers.

Hopefullywaiting Sat 09-Dec-17 22:44:51

Hi Elephants

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my long post and for your kind reply.

I had posted also in chat and got responces but couldnt post the level of details i have here.

I posted regarding work not wanting me to take time off and feel i have had no empathy from them and was basically berated on the phone.

I am really struggling and dont feel up to work at the moment. I feel anxious leaving the house and being out.

And so sad all the time. It hits me in waves i wont see my Aunt again.
And the time lost with her i wont be able to make up. The guilt is terrible.

I hadn't thought of the will. As far as i am aware she didnt have one or any life insurance things in place in the event of her death. Aside from her mental health and Being diabetic she wasnt in poor health. None of us expected this including her.
i will see if i can find out though for sure. Im sure you are right about him in regards to the will. I wouldn't want anything from my aunt just to know she understood why i lost so much time . and that i still had her love.

Its also come to light he was intervening with her medication for mental health for the last couple of months. who knows what other essential meds she was missing taking. Feel helpless and like we let her down. So so sad right now
Thanks again

ElephantsandTigers Sat 09-Dec-17 23:57:48

I would go to your GP to get signed off work and also discuss with them your concerns re her medication. Maybe that could be looked into medically and criminally.

You would only have let her down if you knew he was messing with her tablets and did nothing. You didn't let her down. Take care.

Hopefullywaiting Mon 11-Dec-17 06:18:54

Thankyou Elephants

I did go to gp end of last week who said they couldn't do anything about my stress. Or that i wasnt sleeping. Except offer some tablets for stress.

I didnt see my usual doctor and find this particular doctor very dismissive and dont tend to book with them but got the appointment on an emergency basis.

I had another pre bookable appointment booked with another doc for later this morning which i kept and didnt cancel . dont know if i can face going again .

Another family member is going to make enquiries into my aunt with her meds and circumstances around her death.

I just feel if we hadnt let the situation affect our contact with her or found a way around it then we might have known about her medication situation and prevented it. I don't know how though.The guilt is horrible.

I feel like i dont even want to wake up in the morning .not in a dramatic i dont want to live anymore way. just dont feel i can face the day and its pressures. Its all too crushing at the moment.

Thankyou for taking the time to talk to me.


ElephantsandTigers Mon 11-Dec-17 07:47:26

Please keep your doctors appointment. Write down what you want to say and give it to them. I've done this with my GP and there's never an issue with it.

Hopefullywaiting Mon 11-Dec-17 08:52:21

Thankyou Elephants i will do that . i need to write it all out as its all such a mess at the moment . just so nervous at the thought of going in case he says the same that theres not a lot he can do. and then i have to face work again.

And scared not to go then of course i have to face work again.

Nervous of him signing me off and works reaction although i think thats the lesser of the evils.

Thankyou again for talking to me your so kind flowers xxx

ElephantsandTigers Tue 12-Dec-17 10:05:51

How did the appointment go, Hopefully?

Hopefullywaiting Tue 12-Dec-17 11:51:47

He has signed me off for two weeks. I explained all i have here with how sudden its been ,her meds and him being abusive but very brief points as i know docs dont have alot of time. Hes also prescribed anti depressant s.

Work are very very unhappy and disappointed with me.

I dont know whether to feel relief as feel terrible now. Cant put much more in case they see this small chance that it is.

Thankyou again ElephantsandTigers

ElephantsandTigers Tue 12-Dec-17 15:50:03

Try not to worry about work but maybe think about whether it I should time to look for a new job.

Look after yourself properly. You need too or else you're going to feel much worse.

Hopefullywaiting Tue 12-Dec-17 20:06:27

You are right . i need to look after myself. Just feel guilty and that they are probably justified in feeling dissapointed and stressed as it puts a strain on them to find cover and more difficult because of the nature of my job . i can pm you the job rather than put it on here. Thats only if you dont mind me sending a pm of course.

Thankyou for your care and taking time out to talk to me

ElephantsandTigers Wed 13-Dec-17 13:33:07

Guilt is such a waste of emotion but we all do it to ourselves. Okay to PM

Hopefullywaiting Wed 13-Dec-17 14:31:00

You are right about guilt. And it doesn't do any good. I am just naturally a overthinker anyway and always think how my actions would impact others . its hard to know if i am justified in regards to work in worrying or not . i sent a pm not sure if i sent it correctly as dont use it normally xx

ElephantsandTigers Wed 13-Dec-17 17:02:35


PM received.

I've replied.

Hopefullywaiting Wed 13-Dec-17 22:14:02

Delayed reply sent xx

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