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Having no support or time to grieve....minimizing feelings

(12 Posts)
whatisforteamum Mon 04-Dec-17 08:43:08

My df died in September after a long battle with cancer.We had more time than his prognosis he was unable to do anything in his six weeks in hospital and died an unpleasant death in a nursing home.He was 76.
At first I looked after DM who is being strong after 54 years together.she has had cancer too and dreads an end life Dads.
I was working a new job so I had one week off and no one really mentioned why I was off.so work wise I've made the odd comment about Dad but not really.
My own family have disappeared after the funeral.My husband has admitted he doesn't feel sad about his FIL but admits he was a great man.
I always suffer depression and some anxiety this time of year.Do you think bereavement counselling would help? I feel like I'm suppressing my feelings and no one ever asks how I feel.

Hotpinkangel19 Mon 04-Dec-17 09:33:33

I don't know if it would help but I'd give it a try? Thinking of going myself too. Sorry for your loss xx

whatisforteamum Mon 04-Dec-17 09:57:46

Sorry for your loss hotpink xx

Hotpinkangel19 Mon 04-Dec-17 16:22:59

Thank you xxx I lost my Mum in June and My Dad in August.... struggling to cope with them not being around ☹️ x

whatisforteamum Mon 04-Dec-17 18:01:32

That is awful.Both my parents battled cancer so we did think we could lose them close together.Do you have siblings to support you?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 04-Dec-17 18:27:15

I am sorry for the loss of your dad OP. People often assume when it's cancer the family has a long time to prepare but the last days still come as a shock. sad
Knowing your mum has a serious illness on top of this is a lot to process.

We look to those closest to us for emotional support but as you have found sometimes what we get falls short of what we need.
Have you tried explaining to DH you just need to vent a bit, perhaps he doesn't even have to say much, but listen, maybe offer a literal shoulder to cry on?
My friend's DH told her he felt phoney uttering sympathy when her sister died, they never got on. Really it was for his wife that consoling words were required, she said he was so wooden about it she felt uncomfortable grieving for her.

I think the Cruse organisation is worth looking at.
I am sure bereavement counselling doesn’t have to be taken in the first few months or even in the same year come to that, to have a positive effect.

Hotpink you have had a tough time too. flowers

Hotpinkangel19 Mon 04-Dec-17 19:36:00

@whatisforteamum No, no siblings. I'm an only child. My husband has been amazing though, I was 20 weeks pregnant when Dad passed away, so struggling more than I think I would have x

Hotpinkangel19 Mon 04-Dec-17 19:38:05

I don't think people know what to say, it's hard, I did ring cruse but the waiting list in my area is long so I just left it. Talking about it helps I think, I question myself about things and go over it in my head, it's not nice.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 04-Dec-17 19:46:40

Hi whatis, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Yes, I think counselling is worth a try, particularly if you are a bit traumatised about his unpleasant death. I went through this with a close friend of mine, and got so upset and frustrated because no-one else was there at the end and 'unpleasant' was an understatement, I had to keep pinning him to the bed so he wouldn't fall out and he was fighting me, while trying to get nurses' attention and not wake up everyone else in the hospice. Just awful, but I would never go back and swap it as I knew he was so scared of dying on his own.

But my friends just had the neat, tied-up version of 'Well we said goodbye and then he died the next day'. Very few people actually understand how traumatic it is, and what comes with watching someone you love go through this. It took me a long time to realise it wasn't their fault and it was my grief.

Be proud of yourself that you were there. And be kind to yourself, too. Grief is a bitch and can pop up just when you think you've got it a bit under control.

Try getting in touch with www.cruse.org.uk and don't be afraid to cry as and when you need to. Send me a direct message if I can help. flowers

Chathamhouserules Mon 04-Dec-17 19:52:18

Yes I do think counselling might be a good idea. I didn't have anyone to talk to really after df died and then we went on hols with some old friends who were happy to talk about it with me and the relief I felt was incredible. I hasn't even realised how much I needed to talk about it. I'm so sorry for your loss

whatisforteamum Thu 07-Dec-17 11:15:35

Thank you all so much.Yes we knew Dad was going.in fact his last weeks were so bad he wanted a pill to end his life and refused visitors.except mum.luckily.he changed his mind.The cancer went to his brain spine and lungs.The death rattle was disturbing however I will never forget the.lost look in Dads eyes as he was so full of morphine and babbling on in nonsense the talking properly. Mum sat with him all the time.The last day I arrived Dad was bringing up chest secretions of brown gunk.I didn't stay as I have vomit phobia.apparently he bite mum as he couldn't speak.or swallow by then and he became agitated so she called the nurse who gave him an injection that didn't work so he had another.My heart breaks for Mum as she has had cancer twice and fears this end.On the surface I'm fine...working eating etc I'm just surprised at the lack of support.My boss has given me nine days work which is eighty plus hours!!!.You are all amazing in your replies.I appreciate your support.

whatisforteamum Thu 07-Dec-17 11:17:09

Oh hotpink my heart goes out to you.I hope your baby gives you such comfort and happiness.smile

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