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No, you don't know how I feel.

(17 Posts)
endofthelinefinally Sun 03-Dec-17 15:19:30

I lost my son.
My beautiful child that grew in my body. I loved and nurtured him for 27 years.
My loss is not in any way comparable to your aunty's dog passing away.
Why on earth do people say these things?
This is what somebody said to me today.
They are not the first either.
What thought process goes on in their heads?

pontiouspilates Sun 03-Dec-17 15:46:34

I'm so so sorry for your loss. People can feel so awkward about death and bereavement. Just wanted to send youthanks

Japanese Sun 03-Dec-17 15:51:46

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine how much you must be hurting.

People blather on insensitively when they don't know what to say. Knowing that doesn't help you at all of course.

Codlet Sun 03-Dec-17 15:53:53

OP, I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful son.

QOD Sun 03-Dec-17 15:54:51

So sorry 😐 what a ridiculously cras thing to say

SunshineTheMonkey Sun 03-Dec-17 15:58:13

I think people try and say the right thing and end up getting it terribly wrong.

I'm sorry for your loss thanks

ParadiseCity Sun 03-Dec-17 15:59:33

I am so sorry. Some people say such idiotic things.

blueskypink Sun 03-Dec-17 16:01:37

I have sons in their 20s. I cannot even begin to imagine how you must feel. thanksthanksthanks

endofthelinefinally Sun 03-Dec-17 16:10:34

Thank you all.
I am just so upset.
I get through each day as best I can, but honestly, that conversation has really upset me and made my day harder.
I had the same recently with a friend talking about her 19 year old cat that had died peacefully in its sleep.
I understand that people feel sad. I cried when I had to have our old cat pts.
But it is not the same. At all.
I have no words to describle the pain, devastation and grief I feel.
The loss of a future.
The grandchildren I will never have.
The years of dedication and sheer hard work we put into raising our children. The destruction of hopes and dreams.
The loss of a pet is sad, but just not anywhere near all of that.

FluffyNinja Sun 03-Dec-17 16:14:05

OP, I'm so sorry for your dreadful loss.
I'm sure I've said shite stuff in the past because I didn't know what to say but I wanted to show some support. (I wouldn't ever compare the loss of a child to a pet though).
I think in the UK, death is still an awkward subject for many people. I've really noticed a big (positive) difference in how people react when I moved to Ireland.
Take care OP. flowers

Nicolamarlow1 Sun 03-Dec-17 16:21:08

I am very sorry to read this. No, of course people don't know how you feel. If they did they would be feeling the same, and they're not. It is hard to know how offer comfort when someone's life has been devastated, and people mean well but can't always express it, and end up making things worse for you. Sending sympathy and virtual hugs, and hope you have other family and friends who can help you to get through this sharp period. flowers

Valentine2 Sun 03-Dec-17 16:30:08

I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through. I have two DCs and I cannot even understand how anyone can stay sane enough to even live day to day. You are incredibly strong. People like you can bring about change in so many ways. Is it possible to join a charity and work towards some cause that was dear to your DS? It won't bring your child back but it might help so many others.
I have something in my eyes. flowers

ifcatscouldtalk Sun 03-Dec-17 16:36:44

Sometimes people panic and say the most stupid thing possible.
For starters you never expect to outlive your offspring. It's something people can't even bear to think about.
I'm an animal lover but I don't think for one second anyone would put losing a family pet on the same level as the bereavement of their own child.
So sorry op.No words seem to cover how awful this is. Xxx

1234hello Sun 03-Dec-17 19:45:54

I think people want to relate to each other (in the same way as conversations about holidays or Christmas shopping or dieting), except that this just doesn't translate when it comes to something like bereavement. And people end up saying the most stupid and hurtful of things. Often it comes from good intentions, but you're right to feel upset and pissed off. I am even when people have said things no where near as stupid and off the mark as this.

I don't know if this is relevant, but I also read something recently about people want to believe that tragedy is something that happens to other people, because acknowledging that bad things can happen to anyone at any time is too hard to live with.
flowers

TheMamaYo Sun 03-Dec-17 22:50:40

My beloved brother tried to tell me what it felt like to have children. The intensity of emotion, the big responsibility, the enormous love that is not comparable to anything else..

I just thought he didn't realise HOW freakin much I loved my animals. Until I became a mother, and all he said made perfect sense.

I think it might be part trying to comfort you by sharing theiir sadness, and partly just never experiencing loss like this, not having any idea how deep and wide and high that pain is.

My utmost sympathy to you. There just never have been adequate words to comfort.

minmooch Fri 08-Dec-17 21:46:49

I don't know why people do this. I lost my 18 year old son to cancer nearly 4 years ago. I've had the most outrageous things said to me in that time. From close friends to strangers. It beggars belief the crassness that comes out of some people's mouths.

I'm sorry for your indescribable loss and for peoples insensitivities.

FriggyPudding Mon 11-Dec-17 08:05:32

I'm so very sorry, endof.

My sister died recently, at approximately the same age as your son. My parents' pain is unthinkable (mine is horrific too, but I always know theirs must be in a sphere I can't even imagine). People have said some extraordinary things to my mum, too, and it's awful to see the impact of these.

I'm so sorry. So sorry for the loss of your lovely boy.

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