**TRIGGER Suicide** I need some help, can't cope(11 Posts)
I've posted before but will keep it brief...
July this year my beloved husband Dave completed suicide. It wasn't quite out of the blue, as I knew he was planning it in January though he swore after he wouldn't do it. He chose a method that is quick, painless but guaranteed, with no time to change his mind.
I am not coping at all. He blamed his suicide on his fear of being arrested (I used to regularly threaten to have him arrested for previous DV, in his mind I would pretend it was ongoing) and the fact he was scared of being beaten up by my friends (this is just paranoid, no basis to think this).
He was still wearing his wedding ring, which is symbolic as he would always refuse to take it off during arguments/splits as he was "still married".
However his last words to me were awful, so was his last ever email to me. His note also contained a long list of abuse I'd allegedly done to him (some true, some bizarre, some twisted versions of the truth made to sound bad, some outright lies). No love on his note or email, apart from to the kids.
He tried to have the kids taken from me - by writing in his note to "please save my girls from that monster", to check his emails on his phone as "they will tell you all you need to know" - he even took the password off his phone so they could check. In his last email to me he basically says I can't get out of it, I'm losing the kids, I'm abusive and controlling and he's suffered 11 years of me and death is his only way out.
I am so broken.
I admit there were times I was emotionally abusive. Downright awful to him. Spiteful. But likewise he was the same to me, he was also violent for the first 2 years to me, and when that stopped he became violent to the house. He drank often. He was nasty at times....
If you asked him now, he'd say I drove him to it, that I was emotionally abusive, controlled his life... he'd deny he was ever violent or bad to me. In the past he's tried to blame me for what he's done or say I did it not him!
I just can't cope with losing him, I love him, I look at my children (age 2 and 7) and feel nothing but guilt that they lost their daddy because of me, that he misses out on them growing up because of me.
He showed no signs of mental illness or depression, other than anger problems and paranoia (he thought someone I knew that he'd never met would beat him up, he thought I was poisoning his food etc).
His whole suicide was made to be about me - why didn't he just leave? He had enough cash on him to leave or rent a property! If I'm that bad, why beg for me back when I left a few months ago and be extremely happy when I come home? Why not use the money to see a lawyer and defend my "allegations"? He was so convinced he'd never see the kids again, why not see a lawyer and go to court, find out for CERTAIN if and how he'd see them?
I did threaten he'd only see them in a contact centre regularly, so many times, but never acted on it, and again, why not go get legal advice, fight for unsupervised access?
And if he thought having them taken from me was protecting them, he was wrong - the police saw no need to take them from me, so how is he protecting them now?! Surely he would print out the emails, or report me to social services, or snatch the kids from me?!!
He made his death all about control, like he couldn't control his life so he controlled his death...
His suicide was all about me... the reasons why, his notes, petty things like deactivating facebook (which he rarely even used!), changing passwords, wiping his GPS, deleting messages, he even deleted the messages between him and his friend FROM HIS FRIEND'S PHONE!
He's not stupid... he knows I have OCD... he knew it'd make me obsess, he knew I'd ask to see his messages on his friend's phone (Dave used to delete a lot , the ones that referred to his drinking etc, he knew his friend wouldn't and I'd find out how often they were drinking). He knew I'd try to piece it all together and he made damn sure I couldn't.
The sad thing is, I love him and miss him so much.... and worse than that, my two young kids won't have a daddy now.
You did not make him commit suicide.
Its as simple as that although I know you don't believe me.
If everything he said he beloved was true why not take the kids and flee? Why would he leave his babies and risk them staying with you or ending up in care?
Its impossible to know what goers on in peoples heads - you mention paranoia and drinking and they are huge red flags for poor mental health. Whatever his inner logic, you simply can't know but the truth is he did it. Him. In a world of other choices, this was HIS choice.
Please please seek some support. Grief counseling as a start perhaps but speak to your GP about longer stuff too.
If you can't get help for you, get help for those babies of yours. You need for them to grow up into a world of love, not anger and sadness and guilt. Grieve the man you loved but also accept all of who he could be.
Please doubt bottle it up or drink it away. You need to deal with your anger and you need to de with your pain.
Remember Samaritans are there 24/7. You don't need to be suicidal to talk to them, but my god they're great at listening and letting you offload and hearing you.
You are right his suicide was all about you - it was his final act of control, he knew it was slipping away this was a move designed to keep you in place forever.
But it’s not your fault he did it, you are not and never were responsible for his behaviour and actions - he didn’t leave because then you would be free and have won. It’s the biggest power play around
Have you had cpunselling
Have you posted this before? I've read this word for word before
He made that decision.
Its almost like a final act of control. It was deliberate and it seems like a punishment.
You can move on from this but you will need professional help and its going to need to be more specialist than bereavement counselling due to the complicated nature of your relationship.
Guilt won't help your children. They just need your love, affection and attention.
OP, your post sounded so full of pain. You need help, ASAP. Specialised, preferably, such as a therapist. You need guidance.
Please seek help. It will be okay. It's NOT your fault, but you need to realise this in time. Focus on your children. What he did was SO SELFISH. He could've just left. Especially as you say he had financial means. He calls you abusive but how do you call what he did to his children? That's abuse.
Sending all my love, OP!
Im so so sorry for all that you have been through it must be such a hard, traumatic time for you . and to add the guilt of your husband reason for sucuide being you must be just awful ( you were not the reason but will be hard for you to believe after everything. ) i hope you are ok Op
Your post has broken my heart. He is still controlling and emotionally abusing you now. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. You won’t believe this but this is the truth. He made that decision, he took his life and in doing so has tried to destroy you on his way out. Do not let him destroy your life. You must get help, you need to talk to someone. Don’t let this destroy you and eat you up. Your 2 children need you. Please get support
thank you so so much for your replies, I have read each one. I am seeing a counsellor, he echoes what you have all said really, but I am struggling to believe it. He says I've spent a long time being gaslighted and it will take a long time to realise the truth - that my DH was responsible for this decision and not me.
I just really struggle, I look at my daughters and feel such guilt and pain. The youngest will never remember him, the oldest is struggling. I am much closer to the oldest now, her difficult behaviour has stopped, and we are building bridges. That is the only positive thing. She just turned 8, she''s too young for all this.
I feel like if you sat DH down, he would say he was suicidal because I was abusive and controlling, so he killed himself to escape me. In his mind, if he just left, he could still be arrested or attacked, and he wouldn't see his children. Of course a lot of this is paranoia (being attacked, assuming I would pretend the violence was still happening) but some was control (he would refuse to see the kids if it was supervised, so in his mind he'd never see them again and would lose if it went to court)
I miss him so much, I miss being a wife, looking after him, talking to him, cuddles... I'm so lonely.
Gosh you poor thing. What a lot you've had to go through. I think I remember you posting before, shortly after it had happened?
It sounds like there were threads of truth in what he says about you, but that he's filled in the gaps with so much embellishment and untruth that it totally vilifies you. And he has chosen to ignore all his own acts of abuse (of course he has, if he was facing up to them he'd probably still be here trying to fix it).
Add in to that melting pot that he knows about your obsessional tendencies and so has left you this horrible legacy of going over his unwell ramblings for all of time.
To be blunt, I think you need to find your righteous anger and say screw you and your desire to ruin everything for the rest of us because you feel inadequate (which he clearly did feel, the whole thing sounds like a massive projection onto you of his feelings about himself).
If you struggle with your thoughts wandering back to him then could you keep an iPod handy to listen to stories or radio as a distraction. He's not here filling your thoughts, he's gone, but I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to blot it out.
For what it's worth I believe that you will get there and move past this very well because you are being proactive about looking for help. I'm sure you must feel very much in the thick of it still, but it's early days relatively speaking and you already have some positive moments to mention already (you daughter building bridges).
Have a big squeeze from me.
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