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First Christmas

(14 Posts)
Timeforachange68 Fri 24-Nov-17 09:26:21

Approaching the first Christmas since my dm passed away in the summer & wondered if anyone that's already gone through this could impart some advice...

My df is still struggling & would happily bypass Christmas altogether, although he has spoken about buying presents for the grandchildren (even if it was to moan about my sister leaving it late for suggestions!)

I'm just struggling to imagine what Christmas Day is going to be like as he was miserable on my birthday a few weeks ago & I obviously want the day to be as happy as possible.

RonniePasas Fri 24-Nov-17 09:27:53

No advice but thanks and warm thoughts for you and your DF

Phillipa12 Fri 24-Nov-17 09:40:18

Most of the time its the run up to the day rather than the day itself that is more upsetting. You wake up have your life is not fair moment with hysterical sobbing and then you plaster on your happy face for the sake of your children who for them will not understand that christmas has lost its shine. Firsts are always very hard and it dosent get much easier as time goes by but you know that, and it will be hard for everyone. We always raise a glass to my mum and dd who died 5 and 3 years ago just before we tuck into christmas lunch and then i have one to many wines and at bedtime i have a thank god the days over and another lifes not fair moments!

Figment1234 Fri 24-Nov-17 09:47:36

It is a tricky day, and I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my mother six years ago and in a way I have come to accept that Christmas will never have the specialness that it did. The only advice I have would be to concentrate on making the day wonderful for the grandchildren. Whilst I do not have children of my own I do have a niece and nephew (born after my mum died) and focusing on their fun has made the Christmases I have spent with them enjoyable in their own new way!

Figment1234 Fri 24-Nov-17 09:50:36

My other advice would be - do not ignore your mother's absence - acknowledge it in whatever way you wish to e.g. trip to the cemetery at some point in the day if appropriate. My father started seeing a new lady about 2 years after my mum died, and although they don't live together she does spend Christmas at our house as she has no family of her own. My dad will completely refuse to mention my Mum or visit the cemetery (which is a 2 minute walk from the house) - I find this upsetting more than anything else.

Vitalogy Fri 24-Nov-17 09:53:24

Sorry for your loss.
I had a moment in the a shop looking at all the Christmas stuff.
I remember the agony aunt Denise Robertson saying about it's "one day",
but still. I'll be glad when it's over with mostly. Best wishes.

namechange2222 Fri 24-Nov-17 10:00:05

For the first Christmas after my loss we invited people we'd never had to the house before. We decided not to attempt to replicate the Christmas's gone when life was good. Instead we've continued to change Christmas each year, different people are invited, we now have goose instead of turkey. We do raise a glass to my lost one and I now have a Christmas tree again but we'll never get that glow back again. Everyone grieves so differently. I wish you well but I don't think expecting your Father to be happy at Christmas is realistic. On my first Christmas I wasn't happy but it was peaceful and without drama. Thats all I could have asked for

Timeforachange68 Fri 24-Nov-17 10:00:15

Thanks everyone for replying & your kind words

I think if it was just me & my family (dh & teens) it would somehow be easier but my sister & I always took it in turns to have our parents round for lunch and it falls to us this year so I'm expecting my dad to come. He was never the most positive person doesn't particularly like Christmas & I know will be Mr doom & gloom this year, its kind of filling me with dread!

moresunneeded Fri 24-Nov-17 10:27:23

The first Christmas after I lost my dm was very hard I won't lie I cried , but I also laughed we decided to have a family Christmas as we always did (dm had ALL he family over) we talked, laughed and cried remember past Christmas's.... this time of year continues to be difficult especially this time as we have recently lost a close friend and aunt within the same week.... but we owe it to them to embrace the day and go with the flow smile

whatisforteamum Fri 24-Nov-17 10:53:54

Watching with interest as my darling df died in September.I have a job where I'm working Christmas day and have no idea what it will be like.DM is the Christmas person in our huge family so I've no idea how she will be after 54 years with df.I told her we could help her decorate with lights for the grand kids or not if she wishes.Love to all facing this hard time x

Timeforachange68 Fri 24-Nov-17 14:12:52

Putting decs up is another minefield-my sister was going to offer to come and help with her kids but I can't see my dad wanting to bother, I'm almost scared to broach the subject!

LuckyBitches Fri 24-Nov-17 16:44:48

I was dreading the first christmas after my little brother died, but in the event it was quite a nice day, and we talked about him a bit. Like others say, acknowledging your mum will help ease the sadness that is probably starting to mount. Also, I don't think you can predict accurately how you'll feel on the day, and your DF may surprise you!

And please remember that you're not alone in this. flowersflowersflowers

Timeforachange68 Fri 24-Nov-17 18:50:28

Ah thank you lucky I've found a great comfort from this forum so far

mollyt Sun 03-Dec-17 20:52:13

I lost my dear dad in July and am dreading Christmas....thanks to all of the wise words on this thread it's very was never really a Christmas person but it's the victor meldrew-ness that I will miss.i feel like the world has been grey since July as opposed to in colour.

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