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Moments that catch you out. I wish I had my Mum back

(72 Posts)
LazySusan11 Fri 10-Nov-17 09:21:03

Today the JL Christmas advert came out, Mum and I would have watched it, I’d have called her we would have said if we liked it had a few giggles and talked about Christmas and our plans. I tried to avoid this advert I’m trying to avoid the whole of Christmas but all the talk and then it being everywhere has snuck up on me and unexpectedly floored me.

I miss Mum so much, day to day I’m ok I have a few days every few weeks now where I am very upset, but today I feel devastated all over again. 1st Christmas without Mum and I am dreading it.

BrokeAndBad Fri 10-Nov-17 09:31:52

I’m so sorry, so very very sorry xxxxx

PovertyPain Fri 10-Nov-17 09:37:26

I'm so sorry darling. I know how difficult Xmas can be and the only way I get through it is concentrating on the children and 'acting' as if it was a nice Xmas. Do you have children? Can you do something to include your mums memory, such as visiting her grave with some nice flowers, you'll need to remember to get them the day before. I put lovely pot plants on my dear husband's grave and every time there's a special date, I spend an hour or two tending his grave and putting new plants on it. This year, for our silver anniversary I bought some really nice solar lights and put them on it.

A wise woman said to me once, and I held onto this, when things were getting too much "you will be happy again, it will never be the happiness you knew before, but you will be happy." Take care sweetheart. 💐

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername Fri 10-Nov-17 09:42:29

flowers for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've done all the firsts - it does get easier, I promise xxx

BexleyRae Fri 10-Nov-17 09:43:10

It's rubbish isn't it? I lost my mum almost 4 years ago, and it's the stupid things that get me the most. Like trying a new beer from the supermarket which would mean she would then but me some for Christmas, or how she would read a book and pass it onto me so I could save my money. And of course I now have a DD, so I keep thinking about how good a granny she would have been. So ((((hugs))) to anyone missing their mum

LazySusan11 Fri 10-Nov-17 09:47:01

Thank you, I haven’t felt this upset in a while. I feel completely off kilter today.

whatisforteamum Fri 10-Nov-17 09:57:59

Bless you I'm so worried about the sad music and ads.Dad didn't like Christmas but Mum does and she went to town making it special for everyone.
Love to everyone going through this .

PovertyPain Fri 10-Nov-17 10:20:37

Sweetheart, it's your first Xmas, which means it's only a blink of the eye, since you've lost your mum. Your feelings are very natural and a testament to the love between you and your mum. That's something to hold on to. I lost my dear husband 2 1/2 years ago and It still hits me like a hammer. Unless someone has been through similar, they will never understand. Society puts too much pressure on the bereaved to 'move on', but I know I will never move on, but I can try to move forward. You will never stop missing her, and that's normal. I used to get angry when people would tell me to think of the happy memories, as it hurt too much, but eventually, though only recently, I've started to be able to share the happier memories.

Please feel free to tell us about your mum, but only if you think it will help.

LazySusan11 Fri 10-Nov-17 12:23:04

I knew it was going to be difficult I just didn’t expect it to hit my like a freight train in mid Nov! How have you all coped with your firsts that meant a lot to you?

Thank you for your replies, it’s a comfort to know I’m not alone in how I feel. I do feel for all of you who are experiencing the same. It really is the pits.

LazySusan11 Fri 10-Nov-17 12:26:43

Me not my!

Haudyerwheesht Fri 10-Nov-17 12:27:59

I'm sorry you're going through this - I don't have any advice really other than ride the wave of the grief. It's ok to feel like that but then you try and enjoy what you can too.

I lost my dad last year and then FiL this year so my kids now have no grandads. Normally I'm ok with it but there was a grandad at school pick up the other day and I felt like crying! it's 18 months since my dad died so really I was surprised.

LittleHo Fri 10-Nov-17 13:56:20

I know how you feel. It is my first Christmas without Mum too.

I look at all the 'Mum' cards and 'Mum' presents in shops or random things she would have liked, then pick them up, imagine wrapping them and giving them to her.

Timeforachange68 Fri 10-Nov-17 19:40:28

Same here - first Christmas without my mum & she loved Christmas too. I felt sad seeing the toiletries from M&S that she loved & knowing I'll never buy them for her again - I keep seeing things & thinking my mum would like them. I've just had my 1st birthday since my mum died & it was tough

Increasinglymiddleaged Sat 11-Nov-17 07:49:20

It's so hard OP flowers, I'm on my 2nd Christmas and for some reason this morning am sitting here in tears. I cope ok, am getting on with life but it's shit. The DC have changed, I sometimes now imagine how weird it would be for her to just walk back in. Not that this is going to happen obviously but it's the moving on and things not being the same as when she died.

FWIW (and we're all different) Christmas day itself was okay for us last year. It was the build up: watching families shopping together happily; Christmas music in shops that got me for the first. Probably the same for the second [stamps feet] it isn't fair is it?

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sat 11-Nov-17 20:07:35

((((((((((((())))))))
I lost my mum just over 2 years ago and a few weeks later I was Christmas shopping, and the song lonely this Christmas started playing.
The tears were absolutely tripping me.

MyKingdomForBrie Sat 11-Nov-17 20:09:58

Nine years on and I burst into totally unexpected tears watching a dad and his baby in the swimming pool recently. The moments get a lot fewer and further between but I know exactly what you mean.

Sometimes a huge wave of longing and sadness just drowns you in a moment.

flowers

RefuseTheLies Sat 11-Nov-17 20:14:30

flowers op. It's my second Christmas without my lovely Mum. I still can't believe she's gone.

EsmesBees Sat 11-Nov-17 20:29:03

Oh, OP, it's so hard when it hits you out of nowhere. They played a few bars of my mum's favourite Christmas song on the news the other day and it hit me all over again. Second Christmas without her here. Last year, we got through it by focusing on the children and staying busy.

Increasinglymiddleaged Sat 11-Nov-17 20:30:54

We're a sad little club aren't we? sad

Kahlua4me Sat 11-Nov-17 20:42:01

Sending love to you.

I lost my lovely mum just over 2 years ago and still have sudden, random moments where I sob. It is the seemingly little things that take me by surprise, such as wanting to tell her trivial things in my life that are of no value to others but she would love to know. I now tell my gorgeous sister in law and we are settling into a new much deeper relationship.

I was completely numb the first Christmas and we went abroad last year so it feels as though this is the first proper one without her.

I find that being busy and concentrating on the excitement for the dc works best for me.

Nanna50 Sat 11-Nov-17 20:45:33

My mother died at Christmas 10 years ago I still can't predict what is going to send me into floods of tears and the aching pain, sometimes it creeps, sometimes it whacks me round the head.

My firsts include walking into a card shop near to Mother's Day I couldn't breathe, her birthday I just decided to let myself cry all day, Christmas I really didn't do for a couple of years. My family did it.

The first time I dreampt about her I had a panic attack, I thought the grief would kill me. I eventually went for bereavement counselling and this helped immensely. I allow myself to cry I allow myself to mourn, I don't think time heals I think you learn to live without them.

I'm truly sorry you are facing Christmas without her, virtual ((hugs)) flowers

Frazzle76 Sat 11-Nov-17 20:46:05

Me too!! People keep asking what are our plans for Christmas and I don't want to make any. I just think of mum in the hospice last Christmas and how awful it was. Sending love to all.
Xx

alittlepieceofme Sat 11-Nov-17 20:49:24

I'm so sorry for your loss, the firsts of everything are the hardest! I lost my mum 9 years ago and literally only feels like yesterday that I last saw her! Mother's Day is always the hardest for me because it's so in your face! My ds dad left us nearly 3 months ago when he was only 8 months old and that's when I desperately needed her!

Try to enjoy your Christmas and remember all of the happy memories that you have!

Unfortunately i don't think it really does get easier, you just learn to live with it! Sending you lots of love!

MyGuideJools Sat 11-Nov-17 21:39:10

Same here. I actually started a thread the other day. My wonderful dad died in September and he was Mr xmas he loved everything about it.
Me and him would go secret shopping for mums pressies and he got stuck in with the cooking, decorations, games. Everything!
I am hating seeing all the Xmas stuff and now the adverts have started.
Mum says she can't face getting good all the Xmas decs from the loft this year. His clothes are still in the wardrobe ffs.
How am I gonna face Xmas? !sad

Sorry op I didn't mean to derail. I just know how you feel⚘⚘it sucks.

LazySusan11 Sun 12-Nov-17 06:30:26

Myguide you haven’t derailed, i can completely understand not wanting to do Christmas. I don’t have dcs dh has a dd so I will be spending time with dad and my brother out of the way not a bauble in sight!

Next year I may feel different who knows, I am seemingly ok for a few weeks then I’ll have a few days where I am upset but I can sort of move through it. The last few days have been awful all I can describe it as is feeling bereft all over again, the feeling of I can’t believe she’s not here, that I won’t hear her voice again or feel her hugs. I miss her so much.

It’s my 40th soon, followed by mums 69th birthday, Christmas and then the anniversary of her passing. Sometimes these bloody firsts feel relentless.

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