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I'm just so angry

(7 Posts)
Sosks Tue 31-Oct-17 20:14:53

My son was stillborn at full term just over 2 months ago.

I hate seeing pregnant women, I hate seeing people with newborns, I don't even want to hear about it. I don't want to hear the word 'pregnant'. I can't bear seeing people mistreating their kids. And most of all, I hate myself.

The physical pain in my chest is unbearable and it gets worse every day. I just want to be a mother again, I want to hold my child in my arms. If I could be pregnant again now, I would be.

We don't have the money, we haven't even had the post-mortem results, but there is nothing in the world I want more but it scares me so much. He died from a rare genetic condition they think is inherited. I can't go through this all over again.

I'm mad at the world for doing this to me, I'm mad that somehow I deserve this. I just want it all to stop, somehow these things always happen to me. Even my counsellor can't believe the life I've had. Please tell me this gets better.

OpalIridescence Tue 31-Oct-17 20:23:16

Your anger is totally understandable. What a cruel, terrible loss you have suffered.
No one deserves this, please don't believe that for a moment.

You will always be your little boys mother, you are a mother. All your son ever knew was you, your voice and your warmth.

I hope that is not wrong of me to say, I know you did not get your deserved ending and I know all you want is to hold your child. I am so sorry.

I am glad you are having counselling, it can't make this better but I truly hope it brings you some measure of peace.
Thinking of you and your precious child flowers

Frozengeranium Tue 31-Oct-17 20:23:43

God love you. What a tragedy for you and your family.

You don't deserve it, you are not alone and someday you will feel stronger.

Allow yourself to grieve and hate for now. It's ok to feel like that. Feel it, let it wash over you. At some point you'll learn to cope with it.

When your grief has eased a little you might want to explore adoption or assisted conception with genetic testing. You will find a way if it's in your heart.

flowers

MyBrilliantDisguise Tue 31-Oct-17 20:26:47

What a terrible loss. I'm so sorry. To lose a child is the worst possible thing.

Have you talked to your GP? I know if it happened to me I wouldn't be able to cope on my own. This is the link for Sands - I've heard good things about them.

flowers

gingerbreadmam Tue 31-Oct-17 20:38:02

sosks I'm so so sorry. We talked not long after you lost your beautiful son. It is so painful.

I'm over two years down the line. Finally I don't feel like the world is against me. It has taken a long time but you get there.

It's very early days. Does anything make you feel different at all? Did you bury him and can you go to his grave?

I spent a lot of time at my sons when on maternity leave. It was so therapeutic.

I know someone has already mentioned sands but that helped me massively too. Being around people that understood how much it really fucking hurts and how life changing it is.

People forget far too quickly. Stay here and talk though. Say anything that makes you feel better.

I remember going back to work and a colleague fell pregnant about six months after my return. It killed me. I was so angry. Angry that they took it for granted. Angry that they didn't do screening. Angry they expected other people to buy things for their baby. Most of all angry cos no-one seemed to give a shit about me or my son.

I understand.

Sosks Wed 01-Nov-17 13:34:21

If it turns out to be the genetic condition they thought it was, we won't be able to do PGD as there is no identified gene. Our only options would be to keep trying and hope for the best or to adopt. We would really like to give it another go before giving up.

I'm already back at work because my coworker was pregnant at the same time. She didn't want kids, and of course, she has had her baby. This is someone who said she'd terminate if she ever got pregnant, and I'm extremely angry someone that could think like that deserves to be a mother more than I do. I felt it was best to be more settled at work before she returns because I think her coming back will be harder for me than my return to work.

So far, work has been okay. Nobody wants to talk about Henry and it breaks my heart. My manager and HR lady have been kind though and I've talked about him with them, they were a huge support through my pregnancy.

I have been to visit his grave a few times but it's far from our house, there are no buses that go there from our home and we don't have a car so I have to rely on lifts. My dad has taken me a few times but he doesn't let me have a moment by myself with him. He's been incredibly selfish in regards to Henry's resting place and has been trying to take over the decoration and force his ideas on me which I have to keep rejecting. OH really wanted to paint the fence and had to let my dad as he kept pressuring him about it. My mum has offered to take us but she is usually very busy so hasn't been able to help yet.

I think I mentioned on one of my previous posts about Henry that I wasn't overly keen on the idea of sands. Maybe for others being around people that understand helps, but the idea of being in the company of so much pain isn't appealing to me. If it was 1 on 1 it would be different. I don't want to be a 'bereaved mother' I just want to be Henry's mum. I want Henry's short life to have been good memories, not something I should be sad about. I do have my own counsellor through work and he has agreed to see my OH for free. He's a very generous man.

It's the physical pain that gets me the most. My heart aches. I can only describe it like someone squeezing it tight whilst slicing it with a knife. It's such a horrible and visceral feeling. I feel like I want to jump out from my body.

To top off the icing on the shitty cake, OH got attacked in the street last night and nearly got mugged. Only by luck he got his bag back and police were nearby to get the guys who did it. Our lives are actually cursed sad

gingerbreadmam Wed 01-Nov-17 15:00:35

Oh sosks that is so much to have going on. Your poor DH. Hope he is ok.

Is there a space you can make at home for Henry? I haven't done that but a lot of people at my sands group did.

I understand your df is being overbearing however it is probably his way of being close to Henry and that is a nice thing. I was obsessed with doing whatever I could for Lucas when he first arrived.

Wow being at work must be really tough. How are you finding it? What kind of environment do you work in?

My colleagues don't like to talk about Lucas but it doesn't stop me. He's my son as much as their children are there's it's just I don't get to bring him up.

I feel your pain it is so consuming. It's completely understandable that you feel like that.

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