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Fearful of people's opinions

(20 Posts)
LV2NY Sat 28-Oct-17 08:47:00

My darling husband of 20 years died a week ago after an 11 month battle with cancer. The last four months he was very ill, bed bound and I stopped working to care for him. Myself and two of his brothers were there at the time of his death. At the moment of his death I became quite hysterical and very upset. I had known for a long time that it was going to happen but still struggled with letting him go. Now I feel guilty that I didn't let him go peacefully and that his family will think badly of me. The day of the funeral I felt quite numb and while I cried I did hold myself together and worry this will reflect badly on me too. Is this anxiety all part of the grieving process? I adored my husband and was devoted to him during his illness but I feel worried.

laketaupo Sat 28-Oct-17 08:48:39

flowers to you.
My dm is in the later stages of terminal brain cancer and all I get is people telling me I need to be more upset and sad , surely it's up to me how I manage my emotions ?!
It is ok to grieve in different ways.

LV2NY Sat 28-Oct-17 08:55:06

Thank you for your reply laketaupo, my stomach is in knots. Today my mum went home so these thoughts are crowding in.

picklemepopcorn Sat 28-Oct-17 09:01:44

Honestly, grieve the way you need to, it’s fine.

Remember everyone will be feeling raw, so if you do find someone insensitive try and give them the benefit of the doubt. People can lash out in grief and say things they don’t mean.

Cakebaby123 Sat 28-Oct-17 09:02:50

Sweetie, no two people grieve the same way. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with how you reacted, absolutely totally normal. I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you must be experiencing. Don't beat yourself up, allow yourself to grieve any way you feel you need to. Big hugs xx

dudsville Sat 28-Oct-17 09:05:16

Ditto everyone above. You did/do it your way. You can't preplan how to feel. Look after yourself as best you can. I hope you have good poeple around you.

koffeekween Sat 28-Oct-17 09:06:10

Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, I cannot imagine what you or anyone else must be going through. I would look into bereavement counselling as soon as you can to help you process all of your emotions and find ways to help you cope with this loss. Sending love

HerOtherHalf Sat 28-Oct-17 09:07:23

So sorry for your loss. Try and stop worrying about how others might judge your reaction and focus on remembering all the good times you and your husband shared. All the people that love you are on your side and will not be judging you. If there is someone doing so, well they don't care about you enough to matter.

Chasingsquirrels Sat 28-Oct-17 09:09:20

I'm sorry to read about your husband LV2NY, nothing I can say will take that pain away.
Your grief is yours to process and work through in the best way you can, no one else can do that for you and I am sure no one is judging you - we are usually our own harshest critics.

RefuseTheLies Sat 28-Oct-17 09:15:58

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I was with my mum as she was dying. She was not conscious but the ICU nurses told me to talk to her as she may still have been able to hear me.

I'd like to say I was composed and loving and selfless and told her what an amazing mum she had been and how much I loved her, but instead I mainly howled at the injustice of it and begged her not to leave me.

That was almost two years ago and it's only now I'm through the worst of the fog of grief that I can cut myself some slack over it. Grief can drive you crazy, and it's ok to forgive yourself for behaving out of sorts.

LV2NY Sat 28-Oct-17 09:17:56

Do you think my husband would have been aware of my reaction in his last moments? I am agonising over him being aware and not being allowed to go peacefully. Thank you to everyone for your kind and gentle words, I am just not ready to admit this stuff to anyone IRL yet.

Chasingsquirrels Sat 28-Oct-17 09:41:40

I don't know if this will help but the flip side of your view of your not letting him go peacefully is that he died knowing how much he meant to you, how much his presence in your life meant to you.

Until it happens to them no one can know how they will be at the point of death of a loved partner. And no one know how they, or anyone else, would deal with the death of a different loved partner.

However peaceful the actual death might be, it is an extremely traumatic event.

What support do you have around you?
I don't know how old you are, but if under 50 it might be worth looking at joining WAY (Widowed And Young), one of the main comforts of the organisation for me is being able to talk about stuff with other widow/ers that I just feel other people (with the best intentions) honestly don't understand.
If over 50 there is WAYup.

LV2NY Sat 28-Oct-17 09:59:19

Thank you Chasingsquirrels, I read many of your posts in the weeks leading up to my husband's death so I know you always have good advice. Definitely going to get counselling but it's Saturday night here so will start that ball moving Monday. I am early 40's. Thank you for your kind words, they are certainly a comfort to me.

Cakebaby123 Sat 28-Oct-17 10:00:48

I think above all your husband would have been aware of the overwhelming love you have for him. And that is the most important thing xx

TroubledTribble28 Sat 28-Oct-17 10:04:44

LV2 You lost your husband my lovely so any reaction at all is justified and I seriously doubt anyone will judge you for being heartbroken. If its any consolation when my husband came out of my dads house and told me I couldn't go in there and he was sorry I screamed and screamed. Some people stopped and stared, some walked past but I couldn't give a flying monkeys. Be kind to yourself flowers

Chasingsquirrels Sat 28-Oct-17 10:08:13

I don't know about good advice!
I have my own experience, and if on the back of that I can offer something that helps then I'll try.
I'm guessing from it being Saturday night that you aren't in the UK, so the groups I'd suggest wouldn't apply - but I'm sure there will be similarish wherever you are.

I think the PP message says it all -
I think above all your husband would have been aware of the overwhelming love you have for him. And that is the most important thing xx"

LV2NY Sat 28-Oct-17 10:13:21

Wow, everyone here is amazing. I am crying in bed reading this but I feel so much better about myself from all the reassurance.

Seti Sat 28-Oct-17 10:43:37

Honestly? No one will be thinking badly of you, there’s not a right and a wrong way to grieve.

Losing someone you love is utterly shit and if people are thinking of you, it will only be with sympathy and compassion flowers

picklemepopcorn Sat 28-Oct-17 15:27:18

It’s a long road, OP, so be gentle to yourself. That is what your DH would have wanted.

LuckyBitches Mon 30-Oct-17 12:54:33

Beating ourselves up is certainly an aspect of grief! Please don't though, you reacted/are reacting because you love your husband so much. You are a human being. I'm so sorry for your loss. flowers

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