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How do I deal with this?

(17 Posts)
PinkSparklyPussyCat Thu 19-Oct-17 20:16:59

My lovely Mum died 4 weeks ago tomorrow and I can’t come to terms with it. We knew she had heart failure and we were waiting for a scan to see how bad it was. I went round the Sunday before she died and she was too weak to get out of bed so I dialled 999 and she was taken to hospital and she died on the Friday.

I miss her so much. I’m crying every day and I keep thinking what a shit daughter I must have been not to have noticed how bad she was. I’ve found out more and more about how she wasn’t coping but she was so good at hiding it. I should have noticed though.

I wish I could hug her one last time. The last time she was awake she told me not to waste my time visiting her. I left shortly afterwards as she felt she had to talk to me and it was distressing her. What if she thought that I thought I was wasting my time?

Sorry for the long rambling post and, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading

retirednow Thu 19-Oct-17 20:28:00

Hi, poor you, you are grieving for your mum, it is natural and it's early days yet, only a month ago and you obviously loved her very much. She was in hospital for a week, you did the right thing calling an ambulance, you are not a shit daughter, you are a loving and caring daughter. Some people do seem to push their families away, it is not your fault or your mums fault. You will feel sad but you will also remember all the wonderful times you had together. Do you have any other family who you can talk to, you can always go and speak to your GP, they are very good listeners at sad times like this. Take care of yourself.

TallulahMazda Fri 20-Oct-17 13:46:27

Hey, I lost my Mam in July and it hurts like hell and like you I would give the earth for one last hug.
I'm also a heart failure nurse and yes people get good at hiding what they are struggling with. This was her way of coping and you have done absolutely nothing wrong at all. She's your Mam and has done her utmost to protect you until the end. This is her absolute right, It's what good parents do.
Pack these thoughts in a box and sail them down the river, they are not helpful at this time.
Take time, cry and lean on whenever you feel you can. It's a hideous time and I understand just how hard it is. I wish I could change this for us all. X

TallulahMazda Fri 20-Oct-17 13:47:23

Sorry that should have read ex -HF nurse. My apols

MyGuideJools Fri 20-Oct-17 21:45:32

His pink I'm sorry about your mum. I lost my dear dad 6 weeks ago and I miss him so so much. I still cry most days.
Dad had cancer and we thought he had a couple of years left but he died suddenly with a chest infection.
He was in and out of hospital for the last couple of weeks and like your mum he was very good at hiding how bad he felt. He also used to tell us not to visit him but I did, every day.
I don't know what I can say to help you but just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm sure you're mum would be very proud of you ⚘⚘

echt Fri 20-Oct-17 23:15:40

So sorry for your loss, Pink. You're not a shit daughter, and your mum was only trying to protect you in her own way. Four weeks is no time at all, so take care of yourself. You never get over these things, but live with them.

thanks

Timeforachange68 Fri 20-Oct-17 23:37:17

I lost my mum almost 10 weeks ago & she did exactly the same, she must have felt truly rotten in the few days before she was admitted to hospital for the last time & I wish I'd pushed her to go earlier but she was convinced her medication was causing her breathing problems & was holding out for her oncology appointment which she never got to. I think we always think we could have done more or said or done something different, it's all part of grieving.

Howlongtilldinner Sat 21-Oct-17 01:39:38

pink so sorry for the loss of your mum. It is very very early days so be kind to yourself. Your mum was protecting you, just like any parent would do. It’s natural to feel guilt, it’s all part of the grieving process, but you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Be kind to yourselfflowers

PinkSparklyPussyCat Sun 22-Oct-17 22:21:34

Thank you all for your kind words and I'm I'm so sorry for those also going through this.

It's not helping that Mum's house has got to be sold quickly as it's half owned by an equity release company. I hate going through all her things and it's breaking my heart to throw them on a skip but I can't keep everything.

Mum's GP phoned me on Friday to offer his condolences and see how I'm coping. I've got an appointment with him tomorrow to talk about how she actually died so I'm hoping that might help a bit, that I might understand more. The worst part is knowing how scared she was of dying. I keep hoping that, as she was sleeping or sedated most of the time, she wouldn't have known very much.

We visited MIL yesterday and I had to leave. DH has tried telling her about my Mum but she's almost completely deaf and blind and he couldn't make her understand. She started asking him how Mum is and saying how lucky she is so he told me to leave. It's not her fault but I just couldn't cope with it.

I can't wear Mum's jewellery so I'm going to have it melted down and made into a pendant, and I'm going to have the tiny diamonds from my first engagement ring set into the gold from her wedding ring. I feel guilty for doing it but I thought it's better than having it sitting in a drawer.

Sorry for rambling on again.

retirednow Sun 22-Oct-17 23:39:57

Don't feel guilty about jewellery, it sounds a lovely idea. I know how difficult it is for you to have to go tnrough your mums personal things but don't just throw everything away, keep some things. It is going to be hard selling the house and clearing it, we had a local charity collect a lot of things for us. Hope the doctor has some answers for you. Take care.

Timeforachange68 Mon 23-Oct-17 08:43:00

We've yet to have to go through my mom's belongings as my dad can't bear to do it yet - I'm not sure waiting is going to make it any easier though. Are you having to do this alone Pink?

wineandworkout Mon 23-Oct-17 08:48:56

So sorry OP and everyone else going through this. I lost my mum in June. These feelings of guilt and regret are completely normal, I think xxx

TroubledTribble28 Sat 28-Oct-17 10:42:25

I lost my Dad almost 6 weeks ago. He was dead for 48 hours before we found him. The guilt I feel for not being with him is with me always - not much constructive here in afraid but I wanted to say that you are far from alone. Be kind to yourself op x

PinkSparklyPussyCat Fri 03-Nov-17 09:15:32

Thank you everyone.

It's 6 weeks today since Mum died and I don't feel as though Im getting any better. We have nearly cleared the house so the keys will probably go to the equity release company next week - I'm dreading that. Mum's ashes are being scattered at the crematorium next week, something else I'm dreading. I keep telling myself that once those things are out of the way I might feel better...

I just miss her so much. I didn't see her every day (oh how I regret that now) but we spoke most days and I miss our conversations so much. She used to frustrate me when she wouldn't let me help her and we argued but I was only frustrated because I loved her and wanted to help. I hope she knew that.

PinkSparklyPussyCat Fri 03-Nov-17 09:16:14

Troubled, I'm so sorry about your Dad flowers

LuckyBitches Fri 03-Nov-17 11:10:01

Pink what i hear from your posts is you berating yourself for not feeling better yet. It's very early days, fear not you will work your way through this instinctively, but it takes a long time. I understand though, when my brother died I just wanted grief to be 'over', but I've learnt to let it be a part of me instead. This will get easier.

flowersflowersflowers

PinkSparklyPussyCat Fri 03-Nov-17 12:34:37

Thanks Lucky, you're right. I sometimes feel as though people must think 'isn't she over it yet?' although no one has even hinted that.

I understand what you mean about wanting the grief to be 'over', that's exactly how I feel. I thought I would know how to deal with it as my Dad died 18 years ago but this is totally different. When Dad died I had Mum to think about and I didn't have to be the 'grown up'. Now I'm next of kin, my Uncle renounced being executor and have to be a grown up.

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