My DDad died of cancer almost three months ago. What I am really struggling with, and almost feels like a separate thing to deal with aside from the grief at losing him, is the way he died and the horrible awfulness of what death by terminal cancer actually means as a visceral lived reality, and witnessing the suffering and fear of someone you love, who really doesn't want to die. How do I start dealing with that? The way he died and what he went through hurts almost as much as the loss of him, iyswim? I know that his suffering is over now, and at that time that thought helped but now it isn't much comfort.
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Bereavement
How to come to terms with the way someone you love died (i.e. not peacefully in their sleep)
33 replies
TorNayDoh · 09/10/2017 15:17
OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall ·
09/10/2017 15:38
I'm so sorry for your loss, I understand exactly what you're going through 
I lost my younger brother to cancer 5 years ago, he was 28.
The grief of watching him come to terms with his diagnosis and deciding to stop treatment was almost insurmountable. I knew how scared he was, and that hurt more knowing there was nothing we could do about it. The grief was one of absolute helplessness, raw and totally visceral.
The grief after he passed was for me, my parents, my sister, his wife and his friends.
It took a very long time to come to terms with how he passed, I met with a counsellor during his illness to help process it especially because of the hopelessness of the situation. All I could think was that I would try and deal with it as he did, with a wit, humor and determination that saw him through to the end.
Grief is a painfully slow process - even now I am crying as I type this as I remember it all too well. The only way I got through it was to talk about it, with friends, family and on here. The more I talked, the better I could verbalise my feelings and realize others were feeling the same way.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling these things, it's such a head fuck to process. My therapist told me to let all else go and to treat myself like I was wounded (which I was emotionally). Each time I felt lost and depressed, I was to find a small joy, basically any small thing that would help lift my mood, like a square of chocolate, a licorice tea or a crappy magazine. And to allow tears anytime I needed. I visualized the tears as a slice of grief leaving me so the more I allowed myself to cry the better. It's how we heal.
I don't know if any of those things will help but I hope they do
TorNayDoh ·
09/10/2017 16:04
Thank you for your replies. I think you are right and I am going to have to find a counsellor or someone to talk to. I just feel stuck at the moment and my head is full of it all. Even when I'm not actively thinking about it, there's a chunk of my brain space that's still full of it on loop. Thank you for sharing your experience Stroke, I haven't really talked about it as I don't really know anyone who has been through similar and my family are busy going through their own stuff. I don't really know where to start with talking about it but i guess that's where the counsellors come in. to you all.
OP posts:
Achoopichu ·
10/10/2017 17:21
for you all, such sad stories here
My mum died last year after years of illness which made her very frail, but eventually cancer took her. She was kept comfortable (and virtually comatose) with drugs, but I was never sure if the drugs were a good thing or might have shortened her life. I suppose her quality of life was very poor anyway, but I still don't know if I was a good enough advocate for her, or if I could have done more.
When she got the diagnosis she was very scared. Her dignity was taken away. At times she was in horrible pain. Towards the end she got angry and said some horrible things to me - i've read that this happens sometimes. All heartbreaking.
There is initial relief as they're not suffering any more. But for me the loss is being felt now a year later more than at the beginning.
UntilTheCowsComeHome ·
10/10/2017 18:43
I can totally relate to these stories.
My mum died 2 1/2 years ago of cancer and the way she died and how she was let down affects me as much as the grief of losing her.
She was a mess. Skeletal, dehydrated, thrush in her mouth, constant diarrhoea yet no one thought she was ready to move to the hospice.
The day before she died she had such awful diarrhoea that it was pouring out of her on to the carpet. Her GP went round when I wasn't there (something I beat myself up with daily but I had no one else to collect the DC from school) and he called me when he'd seen her. I was fully expecting to be told that it was perhaps time she moved to the hospice, but he told me she had a stomach bug. When I questioned how she could've caught a bug considering she hadn't left the house in weeks if not months, he said it was just one of those things.
She fell that night trying to go to the toilet. She died in hospital 6 hours later.
I'm so angry and upset and guilty. She didn't deserve to die like that.
BillyDaveysDaughter ·
23/10/2017 21:22
These stories are terrible, for you all.
OP, I understand that a very common part of grief is worrying that your loved one was frightened when they died. I remember when my stepfather died of lung cancer - I wasn't there, but mum was - I tortured myself endlessly, wondering if he was scared and in pain and hoping it was a relief for him to let go. It was my main thought and the thing that made me cry hardest, for a long long time.
But you do process it, and eventually it will stop hurting. I took some comfort from a hospital doctor and a grief counsellor, who both told me that the brain has a very clever of shutting down as the body starts to move toward death - to the extent that, as bad as it looks at the end, the reality is probably that they knew very little about it.
Sending you all the very best, with an assurance that with time, it does get easier to bear.
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