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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Suicide

23 replies

therealpippi · 27/09/2017 18:27

A relative took their own life recently. My ds is now worrying that he one day in the future might also get so depressed, worried, ill, etc to want to do the same.

What to say?

Also how much details of the actually death should one give? Like the way they carried it out?

I am all for honesty and truth but gosh this one is sooo hard.

Thank you

OP posts:

Report

Evewasinnocent · 27/09/2017 19:53

I am sorry and feel your pain and sadness - and felt I had to reply as I had to tell my DCs their half brother (my DSS) took his own life earlier this year - it was a very difficult time (and will be a shadow on the rest of our lives- well for DH, my other DSS and me). Not sure the age of your DS - but DS2 (a young 17) was obviously shocked and upset - but in an odd way it has been ok for my DCs. DS2 was always told 'he was just like his DSB' and so was worried about himself doing something similar - but I was able to point out everyone meant mainly in looks (he said no one made this clear!!). I also pointed out the differences between them and how unlikely DS2 would end up following the same path - so this was a positive. I also overheard DCs telling each other how much they loved each other and would always be there for one another if they couldn't come to us (this really was a boost for DH at a very difficult time when I told him).
DS2 did want to know the circumstances (which I don't want to go into - sorry). However - I did emphasise to DS it was likely painless and now DSS is no longer suffering and is at peace, so we should concentrate on this - not focus on what exactly happened. I hope this is of some help.

therealpippi · 27/09/2017 20:15

Thank you so much Eve, it means a lot that you answered as I know what a sensitive and painful subject it is. It is upsetting the ramifications that it has too. No apologies abount not wanting to go into details, nobody does.

I am so so sorry for your loss too. How awful for you all.

My dc are younger, nearly ten, hence the original caution about the details etc.

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Evewasinnocent · 27/09/2017 21:01

No worries - and thank you for your kind words. It is hard - but life was so painful for DSS and we have to consider it selfish to not support his decision.

I appreciate my DCs are older - but it has actually been good to talk openly with them and support them in explaining why the same path is not likely for them. I think it has brought us all closer together (and we try and concentrate on positives - as they can be found - especially for the DSs). Acceptance of the situation does get easier.

RooDaisy · 27/09/2017 22:08

Winston's Wish will be able to offer some guidance and send out some literature that might help you.

Very sorry for your loss. I've experienced the same thing very recently and it's so difficult.

ThursdaysChildsChild · 29/09/2017 10:02

I've PM'd you, OP.

therealpippi · 29/09/2017 16:05

Thanks Thursday, I got it and replied. Did you receive it?

OP posts:

ThursdaysChildsChild · 29/09/2017 17:44

Glad you got the PM. No, no reply in inbox this end - strange
Thank you for replying though. Perhaps it will arrive later...?

therealpippi · 29/09/2017 22:53

I have sent itagain now. Let me knowif you didn't get it.

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therealpippi · 29/09/2017 22:57

AlsoEve you make a very valid point when you say that we need to accept their decision. I do agree with you, one is free to chose their way out. In a way it can be viewed as those who go to dignitas...as I'm sure physical pain is as bad as mental one.

I don't mean to offend anyonewith this.

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Katescurios · 29/09/2017 23:00

My mum committed suicide, I was 21 at the time,my youngest brother was 5.

We as a family since then have just gently encouraged the importance of discussing your feelings and not letting them build up or feeling like you are unable to share them.

We have no note, no prior depression, no indication of any kind that my mum felt that way at all but she must have been hiding her feelings so well to make the decision to take her life.

My suggestion would be to keep the conversation open, let him know you will always be there to talk about anything he needs to talk about, but don't make it a daily "are you OK, do you need to talk" kind if thing.

Katescurios · 29/09/2017 23:04

Oh and detail is age and maturity dependant. At 5 my brother got "mum was very poorly, the Dr couldn't fix her and she died" at 10 when he maturely asked and explained his need to know he got a "mum took her life by....." But not the how she was found, by who ...level of detail. At 15 he knew what we knew.

McGintyii · 29/09/2017 23:10

My dad committed suicide and my mum didn’t tell me, she just said he’d died - I was only young at the time anyway (7). A family friend accidentally let it slip when I was 16 that he killed himself in pretty horrific circumstances. I never forgave my mum for not telling me the truth sooner.

therealpippi · 29/09/2017 23:10

Thank you Kate. I am sorry. My relative left two children of the age you were. They have no dad either so it has been very hard on them (understatement) and for us in rel to them. What you say makes sense. We have told it like you did to your little brother so that makes me relax a bit.

May I ask you since you were my nephews' age. What would you have liked people did or what didthey do that was nice/ helped? It is difficult to know how to be of help and what's thebest way to convey the love etc

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therealpippi · 29/09/2017 23:11

Apologies for typos, crap grammar. On phone rushing to get my thoughts across...

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therealpippi · 29/09/2017 23:14

McGinty .

We'll not lie. I truly believe that lies and secrets fester and hurt more than the truth.
I find that when the adultsdon't talk about it is often becausethey aremore scaredof their own emotions and seeing them mirrored into the child might break them. Of course that is often not true either.

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KosmoKramer · 29/09/2017 23:17

My DC were 10 and 12 when their father died by suicide. At the time, the 12 year old was told that he had died by choice, the 10 year old a few months later. We never discussed how he died. I really didn't want to leave any macabre thoughts over the finding of the body. However, one DC was making reference to one method of suicide and it opened the door for me to discuss it with them. They are 12 and 14 now and fully understand how their father died.

Do you know, knowing that their father died through suicide brought them comfort. They were scared that they may spontaneously die at an early age also, so knowing it was a choice has actually calmed them.

KosmoKramer · 29/09/2017 23:18

Factual things aren't scary. Worry is...and an explanation of facts means that there is no opportunity to worry

therealpippi · 29/09/2017 23:27

Very true. What worries my ds is how he may get to feel like that and have no choice on the matter but that one. So you are right also emphasising the choice bit is important.
I do not think they'll want gory details but I am sure they'll want to know how he did it.

I am sorry Kosmo.

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Katescurios · 29/09/2017 23:28

In terms of help the hardest part for me was that as the eldest of 4 children and with a dad who himself had a terminal illness I felt I needed to take charge of the family, sort all the paperwork, make the arrangements and try to being normality back to our lives. I didn't get or make for myself the time to just grieve.

I was so driven to be "ok" that the people around me did t see how much I needed to be treated like a grieving child.

It really hit me at Xmas a few months later when I had done everything I could to create a normal family Xmas and make sure my brothers had gifts under the tree, a turkey and all that. No one thought of me at all, I had no presents, I was running round like a blue arse fly.

Your relatives have gone from having a my who probably still treated them like kids to an extent, to being orphans and their being in their early twenties doesn't take away their need or desire for someone to just take care of them, care about them, like a mum does.

Who will they go to for a hug and cup of tea now when they're having a crap day? Who will text them first thing on their birthday to make sure they liked their presents.

Its the small bits of affection and care that I needed, not big statements or gestures.

KosmoKramer · 29/09/2017 23:31

Thank you. But we are ok. We remember talk about him all the time and mention funny things he did or said. We also remember how poorly he was to make such a massive decision and that he really, really felt very unwell. This had been building for six months and was a conscious rather then rash decision. He felt there was no alternative, his brain was hurting him that much.

Talking about that relief from pain helps also.

I really hope it all works out for you xx

therealpippi · 29/09/2017 23:39

Kate This is eldest nephew to a t.

We try to make him feel as much a child as it is possible. It is not easy at times due to the responsibility he had to shoulder and the maturity he shows. But I do remember we are all children inside. Interestingly he also had a breakdown (not the right word) around the two year mark. And he says this is exactly what he misses, someone who cares about you in a way that parents usually do. The little things.

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therealpippi · 29/09/2017 23:40

Yes, We are ok too, considering. Sometimes you feel the ripples more than at other times. When you do is a slap in the face. Because there is a lot that goes on underneath, like an iceberg.

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McGintyii · 30/09/2017 00:09

You sound lovely OP XX

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