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How do I stop feeling so sad about dad?

(31 Posts)
mollyt Sun 24-Sep-17 17:04:24

Hello I just wondered if any of you had any words of wisdom please. My dad died suddenly 2 months ago and I seem to be getting sadder and sadder.initially I was having peaks and troughs but now I'm just stuck in this loop of sadness. I've also really noticed that friends who were initially sending texts asking how I was have kind of tailed off a bit almost like I've had my time to grieve and now I need to move on. Anyone further on in the process? Any words of wisdom gratefully received as I'm feeling terribly on my own with it all.x

Daffydil Sun 24-Sep-17 17:11:06

My dad died very suddenly 5 years ago. (Almost exactly. In a week and a half).

I don't think there is any way other than time. It just takes time.

Things won't be normal again. But you will find a new normal.

Remembering the good times can help, but can highlight how much he is missing.

It does get easier with time. It really, really does. Though there are still moments.

[very unmumsnetty hug]

mollyt Sun 24-Sep-17 17:47:28

Thanks daffydil that means a lot right now.xx

Daffydil Sun 24-Sep-17 18:22:55

It's still so raw after two months.

I used to think I'd see him on the street, see his car in my parents drive, and that he'd come home and it would all be ok and it wasn't real.

I still have fleeting moments like that (though goodness knows what possible reason there could be for that to happen, other than witness protection hmm )

I still think "oh, I'll phone and tell him..." when I see something he'd have liked. A specific sort of car, or an F1 race he'd have enjoyed, or something my children have done/said etc. Even now, 5 yrs on, that reflex is still there. His number is still in my phone. I can't delete it. It's like I'd be deleting him.

Someone once told me that grief is like a ball that fills up your entire life. It never shrinks, but your life does grow and expend, so the ball doesn't take up quite so much of it.

Keep on remembering the good times, crying when you need to, allowing yourself to smile and be happy when you can.

mollyt Sun 24-Sep-17 18:38:45

Wise words.thankyou.xxx

keepondreaming Sun 24-Sep-17 18:45:49

Mines been gone 6 months. I miss him every day.
Sometimes I want to share a laugh, sometimes I need his wise words/advice and sometimes I just need him to listen. He was the best, never ever judged me and was always there.
I’m crying now. For all our Dads...flowersflowers

Londonmumlivinginessex Sun 24-Sep-17 18:46:54

It can take two years to 'get over' the death of a close loved one - although to be honest not sure you ever get over death! But, the deep grieving period takes time. It took me two years to stop mourning for father and although I accepted my mums death much quicker, I still have moments of thinking 'I will just give her a quick ring'.

Give yourself time, accept the process no matter how painful it is and don't be surprised if it takes longer then you think.

Big hugs xx

algor Sun 24-Sep-17 18:48:53

I lost my Dad to cancer 10 years ago. I still stare at men who vaguely resemble him. You'll miss him forever. But as Daffydil suggests the rawness decreases and remembering him becomes less painful.
Be kind to yourself, give yourself at least a year to find your "way".
Hugs.

FoxSticks Sun 24-Sep-17 18:54:14

My Dad died in January, my mum 8 years ago. It's really hard. The analogy about the ball is perfect I think.

With your friends, two months to them feels like time has passed, they will probably be thinking that they won't mention it all the time, in the belief that you'll be beginning to move on and they don't want to bring it up. It's only my friends who have lost a parent that really understand but as I'm in my thirties I only have a couple of them. We all grieve differently but it does get better with time. If it becomes debilitating though please do get help.

Auntiedahlia Sun 24-Sep-17 19:02:45

It is just time. My dad died decades ago, but I still dream about him. It's a comfort now, but in the early days it was so painful. I remember that doing things like planting tubs of bulbs 'for his memory'. was comforting for me. Watching them come up in the spring. So sorry for your loss.

mollyt Sun 24-Sep-17 19:09:51

Thanks all I really appreciate your advice and experiences.xxxx so good to know others have got through it or learnt to live with it
Xx

FoxSticks Sun 24-Sep-17 19:36:17

The bulb idea is lovely. It's the right time of year for it too flowers

Applesandpears56 Mon 25-Sep-17 07:14:47

Are you opening up to your friends about how sad you are? There is only so many times you can ask if someone is ok. If you are saying yes to them they are probably taking you at your word. Next time someone asks if you need to say well 'actually no...'. It's hard to open up when you want to make it look like you are coping but you'll not get the support you need without being honest with people. Some friends may drop off as they don't know how to handle it but good friends will stick by and see you through

Hotpinkangel19 Mon 25-Sep-17 07:24:04

I lost my Mum 3 months ago, 11 weeks later I lost my Dad. I’m not coping very well either, it’s horrible xxx

LuckyBitches Mon 25-Sep-17 12:26:12

How do I stop feeling so sad about dad?

You can't change how you feel, and 2 months is very early days. My guess is that you're 'in a loop' because something very sad has happened; when you're ready the loop will dissolve. Don't rush it - when my DB died I got very frustrated with the length of time I felt sad for. All you can do is accept it, hard as it is. I understand that other people move on very quickly, and grief can feel very lonely. If it helps, keep talking here, we understand.

JumpingJoey Mon 25-Sep-17 12:36:02

This is a bit of a cliche to post this passage below because I bet it's been done lots of times before. It was a response to a Reddit users question a bit like yours. An 'old man' responded like this:

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

JumpingJoey Mon 25-Sep-17 12:36:52

I'll just add it helped me x

pollywollydoodle Mon 25-Sep-17 17:38:35

I lost my dad 17 years ago, I still think of him but it's not so raw, for me it's like having a conversation with him in my mind. I found things eased for me after a year of 'firsts' e.g. First Xmas, birthday etc. I then had upsurges of grief when I got married and had my daughter. I really missed him being there for those, he would have been so happy for us
Be kind to yourself

whatisforteamum Mon 25-Sep-17 21:16:13

Hi sorry for your losses.My Dads funeral is in the morning.After all the planning it is finally here.mum planted daffodils when dad was very I'll with cancer all around his favourite rugby club.Dad gave me some off his bulbs too for my garden.Sadly he had a dreadful passing which I guess we will think about sometimes.The thought of NEVER seeing him again catches me unawares.

mollyt Mon 25-Sep-17 21:45:07

So sorry whatisforteamum I hope it goes well.sending you lots of love.xxxthanks for all the replies I love the story of the old man.it really is lovely.xx

whatisforteamum Mon 16-Oct-17 08:04:07

I miss my Dad some days even more now five weeks on.Mostly I'm very busy with work then I get a moment and I'm sucked in by grief. I'm glad of these support threads and knowing I'm not alone helps.

TorNayDoh Mon 16-Oct-17 20:12:56

Dad died in July. Jumping Joey's post rings true for me. I know he's dead and gone, but wish I could stop doing double-takes of people in the distance who look like him. I dream about him, and in my dreams it's "normal", no illness, no death. I miss him so much.

LoislovesStewie Mon 16-Oct-17 20:34:49

I lost my mum 50 years ago when I was a child, my dad died 29 years ago. I still miss them both, would love a hug from them; life is different for me and I still feel sad when I think about them. I don't think you get over it but I am glad they were MY mum and dad. I felt so loved by them. Take care of yourself; one day you will think more of the love he gave you and the laughs and fun you had rather than the sadness of his passing.

Ausparent Thu 19-Oct-17 21:02:10

It is still really early days. My dad died 2 years ago and I remember feeling that I would never be able to be happy again.

For me it was like my subconscious didn't accept he was gone and so every time I thought of him I would remember again that he was gone and I would feel that overwhelming wave of grief again. It took a long time, but now whenever I think of him, I immediately know he is gone and I don't get that wave. I don't know if it makes sense?

I feel I won the dad lottery with mine and I miss him so much but it is much easier now. Just be gentle with yourself and accept your emotions as they come. There are no rules for this xx

Ausparent Thu 19-Oct-17 21:06:08

Plus, if you feel your friends have moved on, maybe an online bereavement forum would help? I used one because I live abroad and so few of my friends here know my family leaving me feeling isolated. There is a great online community of support and you can talk about him as much as you like without feeling people are getting tired of it. Bereavementuk is very good but perhaps people can recommend others?

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