Are my grief reactions normal ?

[jaykay34]

I recently lost a very much loved relative. She was very ill and elderly so it wasn't a shock in that respect; however she passed much quicker than expected. She had a very peaceful passing and we all got to say our goodbyes.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have dreaded this person passing. The sheer thought of it has made me cry, and in her final days, I cried constantly.

However, since she has gone...I have acted very differently to how I anticipated. I have been to work; smiled when I've thought of her; had normal conversations; got on with life....

It feels like it's too easy and I'm shocked at myself for just getting on with things. I do have a little cry every day, but then I pick myself up and carry on.

This is the first close family member I have lost, and I'm just wondering of this is normal. Am I grieving properly ? Will it catch up with me ?

My other family members have a similar feeling. Although everybody is very sad, nobody seems "broken". Some of us can be quite hysterical so it's not usual behaviour from any of us. It just feels strange.

[Flowerbunty]

There is no normal when it comes to grief.

My partner had been sick for some time, and when he passed away, much to my shame, I felt a massive sense of relief. Relief for him, relief for myself and relief for our DC not having to watch him suffer any longer. In some ways, I convinced myself that I had already grieved for him before he passed, he was a shadow of himself in the end.

After the relief came anger and hatred towards myself for feeling the way I did. It was only coming up to his first anniversary that I really broke down. There was not one part of my body that didn't ache.

Even now, nearly 4 years down the line, I get massive tidal waves of grief that can take days to shake off.

Ok, just because the earthquake hasn't come yet, doesn't mean that it wont. Give yourself time to process everything.

I'm sorry for your loss

[Funnyonion17]

Grief isn't always rock bottom. I grieved my Dad how u describe

[shoofly]

Reactions may surprise you. My Dad died 20 years ago this year. I was cool and capable during his very short illness and death. I helped my Mum organise the funeral, I read a lesson. I even registered his death in the town hall, where the lovely registrar (who knew him well) broke down in tears as she told me how she was there when he registered my birth. Today however, I have sobbed at Glenn Campbells death as I remember my Dad singing Wichita Lineman grief is an unknown country for most of us. I'm sorry for your loss x

[badbadhusky]

It may hit you a few months down the line. That's been my recent experience. Like you, the funeral and related stuff all felt remarkably matter of fact. Took a while, but it caught up with me eventually.

[jaykay34]

Thanks for your replies.

I guess I just need to take every day at a time and go with however I feel that day. It's still very early days and I'm conscious that my thoughts could change.

Thanks again.

[Yogagirl123]

So sorry for your loss, just a matter of getting through it, however you can. There's no right or wrong.

We are in a similar situation, a close elderly relation of mine is dying, We are very sad, we love him so much. It's his time, he is very very poorly and he is suffering. I almost feel like he's already gone, if that makes sense.

I have cried many tears, and seeing him in his final days is very upsetting. How I will feel when he does pass I do not know. We will be pleased that his suffering has ended, he will leave a very big hole in our lives. But so many happy memories, that we will cherish.

Good luck OP, take it easy, don't put pressure on yourself, people will understand I am sure.

[bigbluebus]

No such thing as normal. I have just started my bereavement counselling with Cruse, having lost DF, DM and DD all in the space of 2 1/2 years. It became apparent even in the 1st session that I have never really grieved following DF's death (he was the 1st to die) as the things going on in my life at the time made it impossible for me to find the time and space to grieve - so I just had to carry on.

Everyone copes differently - there is no right or wrong way and no fixed timescale. Just do what feels right for you and take time for yourself when you need to.

[echt]

Just to echo all of what's been said. I think it's about keeping in tune with your feelings, which is not the same as ceaselessly scrutinising them. Sometimes things can knock you right back.

When my DH died suddenly, I found I trudged instead of my ordinary walk. Apparently this is very common. Weeks later and back to "normal" stride, I experienced a setback related to managing all the post-death stuff and was trudging again for a couple of days.

Sorry for your loss, jaykay.

[VisitorFromAlphaStation]

Sometimes grief doesn't come straight away, it may show itself after years even, and at odd times. When it's an elderly relative the option of "living on" isn't really there any longer, but one might still miss and grieve the person who he or she was when younger. I might still occasionally miss my granny from back when she was around 70, so to speak, but had she lived today she'd have to be well over a hundred years old - not possible.

I think you may experience that you grieve more on special occasions, it could be little things like not being able to send a Christmas card for instance. That you smile with fondness when you think back of your relative is a good thing, that's how it should be. That way she can be with you always. Why not write down these little lovely memories in a notebook, it will help you to remember and to keep the best parts in memory always?