I don't really know where to start.
Had counselling.
Then CBT, after which I felt I had turned a corner.
Then realised I wasn't doing so great after all. Dug out CBT notes and started using techniques again.
Had couples counselling as felt our relationship was deteriorating. Although issues were identified on both sides, it of course came back to the fact I can't get emotional support from my DH - which is a massive part of a husband/wife relationship - and realised I have been unable to cry, breakdown or show emotion in front of him since DMs death.
In fact, that's not entirely true. The only emotion I show is anger. I so desperately want to throw myself into his arms wailing and letting it all out, but physically can't.
I give myself a headache from the tension of all this.
I have now to get individual therapy to help me address this issue but I'm so scared of opening the flood gates. It's been 7 years for goodness sake! I feel like I should be in a better place by now.
I haven't contacted the counsellor to start this as I'm scared of what I'll have to face up to.
Also, because of the way I closed myself off, my DH struggles to know what was say/do when I bring something sensitive up. Tonight I brought up a situation with friends where I have been left out again (that could be a whole other thread) but he pretty much acted like I hadn't even spoken. Is it any wonder I can't open up to him about things that make me sad?? It's not his fault. I have made him this way. And I know it's my fault, as I had ectopic pregnancies and miscarriages and used to cry in his arms all the time, so that bond and connection was definitely there before.
It just feels overwhelming at times. I often wonder if I'm depressed but my DM had addiction issues (including prescription drugs) and the thought of taking anti depressants fills me with dread.
On the outside my life looks great. Lovely family, good job, nice house, but on the inside I'm so completely broken and I really don't know whether I'll ever feel normal again.
Sorry it's so long, and thanks if you got to the end. I don't know what I'm asking, maybe just looking for reassurance from someone who's felt this low and come out the other side a better person.
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Bereavement
7 years after DMs suicide and still struggling with so many things
31 replies
laptopshmaptop · 16/07/2017 23:05
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