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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

1 2

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Has anybody's child had bereavement counselling?

32 replies

MamaG · 22/03/2007 14:26

My Dad died in August 2003, 3 weeks after DD's 3rd birthday.

She is now 7 1/2 and still can't talk about him or look at a photo without crying.

At school yesterday, they were told to think about their saddest day (?) and she ended up sitting on the TA's knee, sobbing into her shoulder

Its not like she cries every day, but I'm worried that she still can't talk about him or look at a photo without crying.

Do you think this is something she will come to terms with as time goes on, or should I look into counselling? I try to talk about him, happy memories etc and I make sure I don't dissolve into tears when I do, as I don't her to bottle her feelings up.

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MamaG · 22/03/2007 14:32

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hunkermunker · 22/03/2007 14:34

Oh, sweetheart

I think if it's still affecting her so deeply, it might not be a bad idea for her to talk about it to somebody.

Poor lamb

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spudmasher · 22/03/2007 14:34

Sorry to hear this Mama G.
I have no experience I'm afraid but I will be watching this thread as my dad is v. ill at the moment and my girls worship him.
I hope someone comes along soon who can help.

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MamaG · 22/03/2007 14:37

its so difficult to know what to do for the best isn't it. i feel so sad for her.

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spudmasher · 22/03/2007 14:44

Bump for Mama G

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MamaG · 22/03/2007 14:51

Thanks Spud - sorry to hear about your Dad

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spudmasher · 22/03/2007 14:55

Thanks Mama G. I have been visiting him this week - they live 6 hrs away. Taking the kids down in a couple of weeks.
Very difficult to know how they will react.
He looks so different.

Still no one to answer your query?
Maybe later. I'm surprised actually because I would have thought your siuation to be not uncommon.

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MamaG · 22/03/2007 14:56

Thats a hellish journey for you isn't it. How old are your girls?

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Marina · 22/03/2007 14:59

I'm so sorry about your dad and how badly your dd is grieving mamaG. Perhaps Winstons Wish can help you? XXX

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Blandmum · 22/03/2007 15:00

We have been offered councelling for our kids (10 and 7) for the time when dh dies.

As yet I have only spoken to the concellor on the phone and she seems smashing. As yet we haven't used her, as the kids don't know that dh is dying. But we will have appointments closer to the time and after.

you could ask your GP if there is anything available

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bozza · 22/03/2007 15:01

I think yorkiegirl's DD1 may have had bereavement counselling. I'm sure yorkie mentioned it on a thread about Nigel.

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MamaG · 22/03/2007 15:01

Thanks Marina, I'll have a good look at that website later

I feel terrible that only now am I thinking of htis for her - I must say that its about once a month that she breaks down, I haven't been ignoring terrible grief for the last 4 1/2 years

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MamaG · 22/03/2007 15:02

GP good idea MB, thank you - I'll search Yorkiegirls' posts too Bozza, thanks

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becklespeckle · 22/03/2007 15:18

I would say it would be a good idea MamaG, it is obviously still affecting her . Did your DD talk about him much when he died? We considered sending my DS1 for some a couple of years ago, his Nana died a few weeks after he was 3 and then my Gran (who he was very close to) died a couple of days before he turned 5. He did talk about dying a lot then and it seemed to worry him. We just tried to answer all his questions and I think that helped him a lot. When my Mum went last year (he was just 6) he dealt with it well but if at any point I feel it is affecting him, I will take him to see a counsellor.
Sorry to hear about your Dad Spudmasher, how old are your DCs? My Mum changed a lot when she was dying due to treatments and didn't look like herself at all. DS1 didn't like it and was very wary so I only took him once, he didn't want to go again so we left it to talking on the phone. DS2 was 3.5 and after about 1/2 hour he just accepted this was Nan now and treated her as he always had, bringing her toys (she must be bored in bed) and cuddles. He wanted to see her again and came with me a few times towards the end. I think you have to judge it on each individual child and do things on their terms.
Sorry to hear about your DH too Martianbishop, how sad for you and your DCs.

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becklespeckle · 22/03/2007 15:20

Don't feel terrible MamaG! I know as a parent it is our job to feel guilt but no-one would think you had been ignoring her grief, she is obviously a lovely, sensitive little girl and you are a lovely Mama for realising she may need a little help x

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aol · 22/03/2007 15:35

Mine have. First one was waste of space. Far too removed from the point of view of a young child.

Second one was superb. Heard her in action with ds, who refused to talk about his sister. She said "Is there anyone in your class who has also lost a brother or sister?" He said "Yes", (there isn't) and she said " Is he sad?" and he just opened up and told her all about his "friend". If you can find a good one, they really can help.

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MamaG · 22/03/2007 16:21

Thanks very much both

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spudmasher · 22/03/2007 16:26

What a great place this is.
Sometimes it really hits home that you are not alone and there are so many people who have been through situations similar to your own.
I am having one of those moments now.
I know that is what mumsnet is for, but sometimes ....just wow.

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EllieG · 22/03/2007 16:54

My SD lost her Mum about 2 years ago - we talk about her a lot in a sort of every-day kind of way, and have made photo albums etc. I find that when we forget to discuss for a bit it's then that the poor little thing gets upset, so it clearly helps her to discuss it. We haven't needed a counsellor yet but I wouldn't rule it out - sometimes it helps children to have someone independent to talk to, cos then they don't feel they are worrying their parent or hurting them. For example, my SD talks to me about her Mum far more than she does to her Dad, I think becuase I never knew her so she nkows it won't be painful for me.

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Marina · 22/03/2007 20:50

MamaG, don't feel bad about deciding now to look into some help for your dd. My experience of bereavement helped me learn that sometimes the grieving process can take years to work through. There is never a wrong time to get counselling, only a right time
As she is 7.5, you might want to buy Michael Rosen's Sad Book and read it with her.
This deeply moving, honest book, reassures people of all ages that when bad things happen such as losing someone you love, it is OK to feel bad about it, but also OK to be happy for a lot of the time.
I have been thinking about you and your dd

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sammac · 22/03/2007 21:01

There is programme offered by some schools called Seasons for Growth. It is a bereavement and loss programme, and would be suitable for your dd. It is very gently handled and is a series of roughly one hour sessions, followed by a celebration to which parents are invited. There are then reconnection meetings. It is very much a peer support system and all children that I have worked with on it have told me how much they have enjoyed it. The feedback from parents is that it really enables the child to open up about their feelings.

Could the school be running this perhaps or would it be something that they could send someone to be trained on? It's worth asking. I know in our school it's completely over subscribed, and I have to take tough decisions about who to select.

Sorry to twitter on, but I do see the benefits of it.

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MamaG · 22/03/2007 22:32

Thanks ellie,marina and sammac - I will get the book and speak to school

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luciemule · 22/03/2007 22:44

I wish my parents had taken me to see somebody when my cousin died when I was 8 and he was 9. We were so close - more like brother and sister and only weeks apart in age) and he died in an RTA. Even now - I can't talk to anyone about him without crying so just bottle it all up, even though it was 20 years ago. Years later, I found a leaflet about child berevement counselling slipped into a poetry book belonging to my mum and wish she had taken it's advice.
So yes- I reckon it would be a good idea for your DD to talk to somebody, whether it be at school or wherever.

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MamaG · 22/03/2007 22:46

sorry to hear that lucie - do you think maybe some counselling could help you now?

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luciemule · 22/03/2007 22:53

I actually found an online berevement website last year for adults but I couldn't face talking to someone face to face. The answer they gave was very general and was obviously just given to lots of similar type problems so I gave up on that.
Since he died, I've had a terrible fear of dying (this has got worse since having kids) and now I won't fly, travel on public transport etc so it has made my life pretty contained sometimes. His death is the only thing I can attribute to this fear of dying and I do wonder that if I'd have had counselling, I'd have understood more and taken it on board better than I did. My parents thought they were helping by not talking about it.