Should I do anything for colleague whose child died this weekend??

[Luxmum]

Hello,
My 1.5 yr DS goes to the same creche and class as the DD of a very lovely ex-colleague of mine. She - the DD - died this weekend, very suddenly. I don't really talk to my ex-colleague as we don't share friends, just bump into him at drop off time at the creche - but my DH meets up with him a few times a month. My question is, is there anything I/we can do for him, or would it be 'interfering' in such a private and horrible loss? I feel so terrible for them, but don't want to push ourselves onto them either..? Thanks for the advice.

[Katsh]

How awful. Yes, I think that you should do something. Even a card or letter at this stage to let them know that you are thinking of them. I am also a great believer in the practical at times like this - bring them a meal, bake them a cake. They will have family and friends coming round and the last thing they want to be thinking of is what to feed people or what to cook for themselves. I've done it for people I haven't known so well, and it's always been appreciated, and has meant that if they want to talk later, they know that you are there. You don't sound like you'll push yourself on them at all. I hope you work out what to do.

[madmarchhare]

I agree that a card with a short note saying that you are there for them etc etc..

[CarGirl]

Yes a card/note and freezable meal wouldn't be "pushing in"

[zeebee]

Any of the things mentioned below - even if it's to say that you don't know what to say.

When my DD died suddenly and unexpectedly last month we received lots of cards via nursery from nursery parents - some of whom didn't even know us nor had children in the same groups as ours. The were 'lovely' to receive. A death of a child of this age affects everybody and in a very odd sort of way it helps to know that - it's such a shock for everyone. Also, if your DH sees your colleague please encourage him to be supportive of his friend and make some kind of contact/offer to vent his feelings etc. There is always the danger that the fathers can be overlooked. Please don't ignore the event or parents

Specific offers of help, without being offended if refused at this stage, are even better eg help with funeral arrangements, take some food round.

[Katsh]

Zeebee I'm so sorry for your loss.

[lilymolly]

Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear both these tragic stories, my heart goes out to you.

[motherinferior]

Zeebee - I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

[triplets]

Zeebee,
So very sorry, and sorry if you have posted about it before and we havent seen it. My somn died suddenly 13yrs ago, there isnt a day goes by that I dont miss him, tears yesterday on Mothers Day, its the cruellest, hardest loss to bear. It is so important to do something for those in this awful nightmare of a situation. I will never forget a neighbour of mine knocking on our door four days after Matthew died, she brought a homemade fruit cake and said, "I just didnt know what else to do". I dont think we ate it, I know I didnt eat for over four days, but it was so kind and I have never forgotten it.

[Vev]

Luxmum - I'm sure a card and/flowers would be appreciated. How awful for your colleague and his family.

Zeebee - so sorry to hear of the loss of your little one.

[Luxmum]

Thanks for all your suggestions, I think I'll definately send a card and maybe bring over some food. I just didn't know how private a grief liek this is, and how much they woudl want others to be involved. It's horrible, the very idea that such a lovely child can just be gone like that, so fast. Even the little things - her name has been removed from the creches coat rack. Thanks again for your ideas, especially that of not sidelining the father, I will speak to my DH about it tonight. I am so very very sorry for your loss Zeebee, I hope that you are able to rely on your family and friends to get you through a time that I can't comprehend. I am so sorry.

[Marina]

Agree with everyone else here, your contacting them will be much appreciated at this horrible time Luxmum. If they have other children, perhaps offering to arrange a playdate to give the parents some time to organise the funeral etc, might be helpful.
There is nothing worse than feeling shunned after the death of a child, so any cards, letters, phone calls do mean a lot, even if the family are not up to replying/taking up the offer at the moment.
I'm so sorry about the death of your daughter zeebee

[zeebee]

Thank you all for your thoughts. Didn't mean to hijack this in any way, but something that I have experience of from the other side.
Luxmum your concerns about interfering are valid but from what you have said rally don't think you will do. Support from our friends and acquaintances has been so appreciated and we shared DD in life so nice to know we can 'share' her memory if that makes sense.

Triplets, don't worry haven't posted about it, only did here due to subject in OP. Still in shock to a degree I think and not looking forward to it wearing off but have to carry on for other DCs.

[Marina]

zeebee, a number of Mners do have the experience of the death of a young child (prem stillbirth in my case), so if you do want to start a thread to discuss any aspect of your recent bereavement, you can be sure of warm support and listening ears. Sending you my sincerest sympathies and thinking of your friend too Luxmum

[bossykate]

oh zeebee, i'm so, so sorry

[kimi]

I would send a card and write in it that if there is any thing you can do to help then for them to call you.
So sorry.

[kimi]

zeebee so sad for you and so sorry.

[amyjade]

The card would be a lovely idea Luxmum. If your not really close then personally i think the idea of taking food round might be a bit too much.It probably won't get eaten anyway, i know i didn't eat a proper meal for nearly 2 weeks when Dd1 was ill, i remember even having a job to swallow.
Just the fact you are thinking of them will be enough.

The thought of the child's name being removed from the coat peg is so sad
to the child's parents a small thing like that will be so totally devestating.
People not writing my daughter's name in a card breaks my heart even after 2 years.

[triplets]

Hello Amyjade,
Oh I know how you feel about cards, it is so hard for others who have not experienced what we have. It is so awful though that our children are no longer mentioned, particularly hurts me on Matthews birthday when we don`t get a card from anyone. It IS still his birthday and we need it marking, its soooooooooo important to us. When I send cards I sign it from us all, Matthew being first in line of my children, I know some people feel that is strange, but its right for me, I cannot leave him off, jt hurts too much. Like when you fill in any official forms and they want to know how many children you have, I have to say four, but one no longer here, its all so awful.

[triplets]

Amyjade,
I have just looked at your profile, such beautiful beautiful children, Freyas picture breaks my heart, I feel for you, xxx

[Tiggatoo]

zeebee, so sorry to hear about your DD.

[Dottydot]

Zeebee - I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you've got support and help around you. xxx

[eliselady]

I wonder if you can help me? My friends little girl died during childbirth on Christmas Day (midwife neglect...) and although we have talked a few times I want her to get some professional skilled help too. Are there any specific support groups available?

Forgive me if this information is somewhere obvious on mumsnet, I'm new.

I am so sorry to hear your stories and so glad for the advice, am terrified of putting my foot in it.

[lulumama]

Eliselady - Link to SANDS probably the best place to find support , and will have links to other support...so sorry for your friends loss...}

[eliselady]

Thank you Lulumama. I still cant believe it myself and I just cant imagine what she is going through. We have talked about the little one and I have seen her picture, but I really think my friend needs more than my sympathtic ear.

I have two young girls, the youngest is 8 months, I also dont know how to handle her seeing them again. If I ask I am worried she will be polite and say yes, when really it isnt what she wants. should I wait for her to suggest?

sniffling now......

[ggglimpopo]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss Zeebee, and of your colleague's little girl Luxmum.

I lost my little girl in January. Please feel free to contact me if you wish.