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I've just watched my mum die and don't know what to do..

(16 Posts)
hollypocks Sat 27-May-17 16:53:57

That's it really. Mum ill for a few weeks but nothing to lead us to believe it was serious. Lung filled up with liquid and rushed to hospital, spent 12 hours petrified and suffering, then 5 hours in a HDU in a much better place, slipped away with me holding her hand. Very privileged that I got to be with her but it was hideous to watch her, she did not want to die and was very angry. It was terrifying too as I could do nothing to help ease her pin. Only 65. I just don't know how to get through the days, I'm an only child and have 4 children to look after, busy job and currently packing for to move house next week. Just want to keep it all together, my dad is broken.
How do you get through these initial days? I miss her so much, the worst is seeing 'Mum' cards in shops and knowing I'll never get to buy one again...

Eclecticmama Sat 27-May-17 16:56:51

Sorry for your loss! flowers take comfort that you were there giving her support and love when she needed you. It sounds as though you had a lovely relationship with her.

If it helps feel free to tell us about her

ivykaty44 Sat 27-May-17 17:00:58

Sorry for your loss.

I spent the time with my dad and at home planning a funeral that we thought my mum would like, picking songs that she liked. Talking about my mum and being emotional.

Can you visit your GP and let them know how stressed you are?

hollypocks Sat 27-May-17 17:04:04

Thank you so much, we did have a very close relationship but I feel dreadful that I'd been so busy with my life and should have called more. I am indeed planning all the funeral and trying to get all the admin organised, I'm okay when I'm busy but when I have time to think it just hits me. I don't want to take tablets but have had a couple of sleeping tablets this week just to help me function. I'm wallowing in self pity I know but just want to keep it all together.

daisygirlmac Sat 27-May-17 17:06:04

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

It's very difficult to lose someone suddenly as I think you are often grieving for the might have beens, as well as grieving for the person you lost. It's so hard in those first few days and I think all you can do is try and give yourself space to feel however you need to feel. Please do come on here and vent, cry, rage, whatever you need to help you. There isn't a right or wrong way and I think that having no expectations of yourself is a good place to start. You don't have to buck up, equally you don't have to fall apart if you don't want to.

You have a lot going on and I suspect you'll probably hold it all together until some unspecified future date and then fall apart when you feel it's "safe" to do so. Support your dad but make sure that you are being supported as well. If you have good friends let them help you however they can. Sending love.

MsWanaBanana Sat 27-May-17 17:06:53

So sorry for your loss. Not my mum, but similar thing happened with me and my gran. I was very close with her and she lived with me and I was her career towards the end. It's very difficult and takes time but now when I think of her all I remember are all the good times we had. I miss her every day and wish she was still here, but it is hard. I still buy a Mother's Day card for her every year and write it out and leave it on her grave. It helps me feel like she's still with me

IPokeBadgers Sat 27-May-17 17:15:25

So sorry for your loss, it sounds like a terrible situation and understandably you are in shock. Hopefully others will be along with really practical suggestions of what needs done, but at this point, I think you can only take it all in baby steps. Where possible,try not to think about anything further ahead than the next few minutes, hours etc. Take it a step at a time. Agree that if talking about her on here helps, please feel free to do that.

If your gp is willing, I would suggest getting a line for the next week or two.....the speed that this has happened has obviously left you reeling, and depending on the nature of your job, is it really likely that you are going to be performing at any acceptable level?

If you have a DH/DP, and depending on the ages of your children, maybe a family meeting to delegate responsibilities re: the house move eg packing, throwing away old things, filling a bag for charity of old clothes and toys that don't need to go to the new house? Might give the children something to keep themselves occupied. Obviously this isn't an option if they are very young.

It's so hard to lose a parent. Look after yourself xx

flumpybear Sat 27-May-17 17:17:27

So sorry for your loss. Take time to grieve and don't feel like you can't, you must. Also take all the support you can from family and friends - both my parents died st 65 too - too young!! flowersflowersflowers

SingaSong12 Sat 27-May-17 17:22:05

I'm so sorry your mum has died. flowers. I've found the MN community really supportive emotionally- I live on my own and have been able to feel less lonely through talking on here about difficult situations. If the rest of the post is a bit long for you to take in ignore it.

Some things for the next days (not necessarily today at all.

Whatever your reaction and underlying feelings over the next few days they are valid -tears or not, feeling numb, wanting to be busy all the time or wanting to hide (even if that isn't possible)

Don't strive to be perfect- work, childcare (apart from comforting them about their grandmother's death), food - use ready meal, how you pack for the move. All of that just needs to be good enough while you get through this.

- Does your employer have compassionate leave due to bereavement?

- depending on the age of your DC and how they will be affected emotionally could a friend look after them for a few hours while you sort out things like a funeral?

- are there any friends or work colleagues you could call on to help with the house move, in practical ways like box packing or child minding so you don't have them around for a couple of hours and you can concentrate on that.

VeryButchyRestingFace Sat 27-May-17 18:49:37

I found my mum dead in April. Absolutely fit and well. I had under two minutes to brace myself for what I realised I was about to see.

Also an only child. Parents divorced. Like you, I had to organise the funeral, admin, deal with estate. I'm currently clearing her property, but fortunately I don't have to deal with my own house move at the same time! That must be so very hard. flowers

How did I cope with the initial shock? I have no idea. I went into shock just before I found her body and it took me weeks to even start to come out of it. I think shock can help - well, it did in my case - carry you through the trauma of having to deal with the arrangements, the funeral and aftermath, because there's a part of one's brain still going "La la la, this isn't happening...!"

hollypocks Sat 27-May-17 19:05:52

So sad but so reassuring to hear all your stories. I can't tell you how much it helps just to write it down. I'm lucky in that I work the most of the time from home and am only in work one day next week as had previously booked time off for the move.
Friends are fantastic but most are just too far away to be able to assist, DH is amazing too and has been great this week. He knows how how it is but I do still feel so alone. I know my mum wouldn't want me to feel like this but I can't seem to get the images of her death out of my mind. She thought I was in collusion with the doctors to kill her when she was really panicking and they gave her an injection to make her more comfortable. It just all feels like a nightmare then it hits me first thing in the morning when I wake up - there is a 2 second gap before I remember everything. I can't imagine how you have all got through but I am so happy to have this place to offload. Thank you all

Kahlua4me Sat 27-May-17 22:57:13

I am so sorry for your loss. My mum died 2 years ago today, and whilst on one hand the pain is still immense and it seems like only yesterday, on the other I do feel more at peace and accepting. It is still unfair and unjust and simply wrong that she has gone, and so suddenly, but it is no longer overwhelming my life.

I found it helped to go with my feelings and not fight them. I cried when I needed to and talked about her lots to all and sundry.

The images in your mind will fade in time and slowly they will be replaced with fond memories of her.
Time is a great healer, even though it sounds absolute crap and used to drive me mad when others said it to me.

The hardest is time is after the funeral when you may sit back and think "well, what next?" For me I kept thinking that it would all be over after that and mum and I would sit down afterwards reminiscing on the trauma and how we got through it....

Cruse are very useful and will allow you a certain length of time just for you to offload.

echt Sat 27-May-17 23:30:15

So sorry for your loss, hollypocks.
Nearly a year ago I came downstairs in the morning to find my DH dying. Within four hours he was on the organ donation pathway. I was in shock for weeks, looking back on it. I still re-play it constantly in my head. Usually when I'm driving.hmm
I feel for you, and to get technical this is traumatic bereavement, not worse, more/less affecting than other kinds, but different. So glad you've got support.
thanks

Misspilly88 Mon 12-Jun-17 20:09:10

Gosh lots of similarities. I lost my mum on the 21st may due to cancer moving into her lungs and progressing rapidly. I'm also an only child and worrying about my dad who has no other family. And about to give birth to my 2nd. Feel free to pm me if you'd like. Hugs xx

hollypocks Wed 14-Jun-17 13:03:56

Thanks all. The funeral was last Friday and I amazed myself by reading a poem without crying, then sobbed my heart out at the end. I thought I'd share it here though feel like sure a fake as not really going on at the moment:

You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

hollypocks Wed 14-Jun-17 13:07:13

And to Kahlua4me and echt I am so sorry that you have suffered so much too, I think it is when I'm driving that it all hits me most also. I'm starting counselling on Tuesday - I feel like I'm just going to explode soon and have to keep it all together as husband away for work for 5 weeks. I can't tell you what a comfort it is to have you all here though sorry you have had such tragic times too

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