Grieving almost 30 years on

[user1490395938]

Hello,
Not sure where to start with this but feel so very sad. This may sound daft but I feel that I am experiencing something like delayed grief (if that makes any sense?!). Let me try to explain..
Almost 30 years ago when I was 7, my beloved nana died a terrible and agonising death from cancer. I absolutely adored her and have vivid memories of visiting her in hospital in the earlier stages of her illness but as she became more poorly my mum wanted to understandably try and shield me from the reality of the situation and I was never told that nana was going to die although everyone else knew. Mum said that she couldn't bring herself to tell me so no one did. The evening she died, mum was at her side and my grandad and other close family. I went to school the next day as normal and was told when I returned home by Mum who held me and sobbed so hard I couldn't hear what she was trying to say at first. She says I just went quiet and said ok and mum said do you understand and I said yes, she's living with Jesus now in heaven. That was that. I didn't go to the funeral. I remember mum crying and sobbing even years after and I never wanted to bring nana up in conversation as I felt I would upset mum further.
Years went by and Nana was (and always is) on my mind and now and again I'll have a cry for her as I can't bear to think what she went through and how she was cruelly taken far too soon (age 54). During the last 12 months I feel like my grief is raw and I feel totally bereft as if it happened yesterday. I burst into tears and look at her photo and just feel terribly helpless and sad. I cannot even discuss her face to face with anyone as I start to cry. I've even sat crying listening to her favourite song on YouTube and I've found myself driving nearby to where she used to live. Just to feel close to her. Could this be delayed grief that has been buried within me for years and is now surfacing? I don't know what to do!! Sorry for long post thank you

[endofthelinefinally]

Yes it sounds like a delayed grief reaction.
I am so sorry you went through that at such a young age.
Contact Cruse and get advice about grief counselling.

[user1490395938]

Thank you for the response, I will look into this. Hugs

[Poudrenez]

I'm sorry about your Nana OP. Delayed grief isn't that unusual sadly. I think people are only starting to realise how grief affects children. I wasn't allowed to my Nanna's funeral, and I still feel angry about being denied that - it was in 1978!

[user1490395938]

Thank you Poud. Sorry to hear about your nana too. Long time ago for both of us but the hurt never goes away. I think in those days everyone just wanted to shield the children from heartache and I know my parents did their best at a difficult time. Hugs to you. Xx