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Dad committed's not fair :(

(29 Posts)
GetOrfMyBin Fri 19-May-17 20:48:47

My dad died on 26th April. He hung himself at home. We've had the funeral and the inquest was thankfully over very quickly.

I'm so angry and sad he is gone. He was 51. Nobody saw it coming, nobody knew he had been depressed. He left two notes and my mum found him. Still don't have all the answers and probably never will. From what we do know he was worrying about something he didn't need to.

It's so fucking unfair. I want to scream and keep screaming. I want to wake up from this and for it to have been a nightmare. I've emailed SOBs and had a reply but I don't know what else to type to them because it would most likely be the same thing over and over again. I can't accept it.

I went back to work yesterday - thankfully I only normally work Monday to Thursday so I've been off today. I found it hard. Spoke to one of my managers and had to kind of pretend I was ok to be back. I don't feel ready to be back, I want to curl up in a ball and hibernate.

Nothing's ever going to be the same again. Having a real low moment today. Doesn't help that I'm a bit congested and it's sent my tinnitus a bit hyper.

How do you start to feel something close to normal again after this? My poor mum is still in a shock I think, she's not let herself process it fully. DH has been good with my and the kids but I'm already panicking at Father's Day coming up, it's going to be awful sad

hellokittymania Fri 19-May-17 20:50:58

No advice but flowers

I'm so sorry

fiftyplustwo Fri 19-May-17 20:51:50

I'm so sorry. My mum died at 51 also. She was younger than I am now. It won't go away, you will be carrying it with you always.

MadisonAvenue Fri 19-May-17 20:52:50

I'm so sorry flowers

KosmoKramer Fri 19-May-17 20:53:53

Oh Getorf.

My children's father and grandfather both died by suicide last year. They both hung themselves in separate incidents.

I know exactly how you feel. So much I want to ask them and wish I had known more about their intentions.

I just don't know what to say but you are not alone flowers

ChardonnaysPrettySister Fri 19-May-17 20:57:20

Sorry about your dad.

You are right, it's not fair. You won't have the answers, because there are no clear answers. What made sense to him won't make sense to you. And that's OK, because as the time passes it won't matter. You will still love him.

You will go over the same thing, again and again, but one morning you will wake up and a few hours later you will realise you haven't thought about it first thing in the morning.

You will get there,

Take care.

SirVixofVixHall Fri 19-May-17 21:00:02

I'm so sorry. I've lost friends to suicide, and while this had nothing like the enormity of losing a father, it was very painful. My DH's father had several suicide attempts, and even this, not succeeding, has been really tough to deal with for DH, who was a child at the time of the first one.
Suicide is a very hard death to deal with. Please do think about getting some help with the aftermath, talking through it with a professional. I did this when one of the friends died and it did help. I felt so guilty. Murder leaves anger, but suicide leaves guilt.
I've lost my Dad, I know how that feels, so with the added trauma of how your Dad died, you are doing amazingly well. Do you have support around you? I am so terribly sorry that this has happened. flowers flowers flowers

bassetmum Fri 19-May-17 21:10:18

I am so sorry. I lost my dad last july from cancer so not in quite the same circumstances. It does get better some things still make m upset. My dad would have been 60 this year. He was taken way way to soon!! I am not looking forward to this fathers day. I would speak to your gp about maybe getting some counselling.

You and your mum will deal with it differently but as long as you can both help each other thats the main thing at this point on time.

GetOrfMyBin Fri 19-May-17 21:21:21

Thank you for the replies, I needed to vent a little bit. I keep thinking I'm coping a bit and then I hear a song or my mind starts thinking about things and I'm a mess. flowers to all of you and I'm really sorry to those of you who've lost someone too.

I have my DH for support though he has long term depression himself. It's part of the reason I'm so angry/guilty..because I should have realised..I really should have. Retrospectively there were little signs there, but I just never would have thought it if my dad to do that. DH stopped taking his antidepressants the day my dad died. I asked him to reconsider but he is adamant he doesn't want to be ok them. He seems to be doing ok so far, but I would have preferred him to come off them slowly with the help of our GP.

My DC have been questioning. We told them he was poorly but nothing else. They saw him the weekend before he died. My two eldest had had a lovely day out to a theme park with him and my mum and youngest DC had seen him the Thursday before. To them I suppose he didn't seem at all ill and so they can't quite align that in their heads. It's mainly DD1 asking the questions. I don't want to tell them the truth yet...maybe in time, when they are old enough to have a better grasp on it all, but if DD1 keeps asking I don't know what to tell her. I don't want to lie either.

My mum got his ashes back today. I think she's going to hold on to them for a bit. She's bought a plot but said she wasn't ready to think about burying his ashes there. I worry about her. I don't know how she's managing to function after what she's been through. She seems to be eating better now though so that is something. I try to draw my strength from the fact that she is functioning. She's with family this weekend, so I know she will be well looked after and I will pop by and see her tomorrow.

One thing that's bothering me is that I didn't say I love you enough. The only people I say it a lot to are my DC. I know he would have known I loved him but I can't remember when I said it last. I didn't go round as much as I should have - we don't live especially close to my parents, about a 3 hour round trip, and after a week at work the last thing I wanted to do was travel. My parents were busy too as they had/have foster kids. My dad was main carer as my mum works full time but now she will do both. I wish I would have gone more. We were planning on doing Christmas at their house this year...I'd not checked whether this was ok yet...I should have asked earlier. I know none of this would have made a difference. I just want him back.

bassetmum Fri 19-May-17 21:35:15

I can totally understand the not feeling like you told him you loved him enough. I had and still have the thoughts that I didn't spend enough time with or spoke to him more. I just have remember I was lucky enough to have had him for nearly 30 years. Some people dont get anywhere near that.

The memory jogging will ease. 90% of the time now memories of my dad make me smile rather than cry. It will get better flowersflowers

SirVixofVixHall Fri 19-May-17 21:43:44

Oh getorf, how heartbreaking. I missed my Dad with a visceral longing when he died. I somehow dealt with the funeral really well, but then sobbed all the way home (over two hours). It is really hard for children too. I don't know how old yours are, but one of mine was ok really, and the other was really not fine at all. She started having night terrors. (She was five) which took a while to resolve, she was processing it all I think. I look back now and the first year after he died I was just floating about in a different world to everyone else. I lost my Mum a year ago and this year has been similar, but also different in that now I have no parents. Grief takes time, and it has its own momentum. I am fine now most of the time, but then I'll see something small that reminds me of my Mum , and start to cry. Be nice to yourself. Eat properly. Spend time with friends who are strong and can nurture you a bit. People move on very quickly, and stop asking how you are just when the grief is really hitting you, so it is important to have some people who do understand what you are going through.
Please don't feel guilty. It is not your fault, it is just a tragic situation.

fiftyplustwo Sat 20-May-17 05:31:22

Whatever you do, don't blame yourself! There was probably nothing more you could do at the time, given what you knew at the time.

I had a colleague hang himself in the very office, in 1992, and there were really no particular clues in advance. He was 26 at the time. In hindsight we realised he had handed over all his work and to-do lists to different colleagues, everyone given a small slice each so there was nothing left, no open threads. He had secretly planned it, meticulously, everything. But there were hardly any clues at all, and the few clues there were, they were invisible at the time - they only became visible in hindsight when we talked about it. Yes, he had said this to X, and spoken to Y about that, and suddenly the pattern became very obvious. But only in hindsight. I sometimes think about my colleague still (we were approximately the same).

rizlett Sat 20-May-17 06:19:01

It's completely natural and normal to keep going over all the 'what if's' and wondering if there was anything you could have done that might have changed what happened.

But - it wasn't your responsibility and everyone has the right to make decisions about their own life - even if that means ending it. We might not understand or agree but if we truly love someone we do have to learn to accept their choices - especially when they are not what we would choose.

It doesn't mean we didn't love them enough or do enough. It doesn't mean they didn't love or want us. It's just the only way they could deal with things.

When my dad took his own life (in the same way your dad did) he was 38. I was deeply ashamed and couldn't talk about it for years. Now I understand much more and am not full of hate for what he did - even though, like you, there we no answers to be found.

You will have times when it's easier and times when it's harder - that's just the way of it. Please think of talking to Samaritans - they are very skilled and completely understand.

Whatever question my dc's asked I just answered as honestly as possible. (though of course with me it happened before they were born)

I wrote my dad a letter about the negative and positive impact of what he did - please pm if you would like to read it or you have any specific questions.

Every time your mind comes up with a negative and hurtful thought - and I know this is constant in the beginning - try and change that thought (it is only a thought, remember) for a loving thought instead - just keep on doing that every single time.

Be really kind and loving to yourself - as often as you can. flowers

Hemlock2013 Sat 20-May-17 06:30:39

I was in an almost identical situation, now 6 years ago.

My dad killed himself, seemingly out of the blue. It was crazy.

You'll most likely be on a rollercoaster (excuse the cheesiness of the phrase) of emotions for years to come.

When it's out of the blue, all you can do is speculate as to what happened. At some point you will realise that you will never know.

The feelings of rejection from a loss from suicide are intense, also people's reaction to suicide death bolsters this. People are generally happier to discuss a loss through cancer or something less taboo.

I recommend getting yourself councelling. I didn't and I regret it.

Going back to work after any loss is very hard. You have my sympathies. Come on here to rant when you need to. It's bloody horrid. X x

GetOrfMyBin Sat 20-May-17 08:59:38

Thank you. It's comforting to hear from others who have been in this situation, as shit as it is.

I've not really been open about how he died to people I know in real life yet. I'm usually very open about stuff like mental health, especially with my husband having had depression for such a long time, but I don't want people to think negative things about my dad. I had to tell my boss/his boss/HR lady at work, as I needed them to understand why I needed the time but for anyone else who's asked I've just said I don't want to talk about it right now.

I think counselling will be a good idea in the might help me to work through some things and I don't really have anyone else to talk to face to face about this.


Stilllivinginazoo Sat 20-May-17 09:06:43

So sorry for your lossflowers
I echo everything rizlet said,although I never lost my dad this way
Losing a parent is very hard in any circumstance.there us a thread for that run by mummylin if you want somewhere to post.xx

Dlpdep Sat 20-May-17 09:13:05

My dad died around the same age. It wasn't suicide but it was sudden and unexpected and the end result was the same. This was nearly 20 years ago now and there are still times that I get watery eyed, missing him and thinking about all the things that he has missed. Things that he would love. One person, who had been through something similar, told me that it changes over time. At first, you get very upset every time you think of them. At some point in the future, something will remind you of him and instead of crying, you will smile at the memory of him. That will catch you by surprise and may upset you in itself, but it does change. Holding on to that thought is what got me through it. It did happen. It took a long time. I'm so sorry for your loss!

ElizaDontlittle Sat 20-May-17 09:56:47

GetOrf I'm so sorry. What a terrible shock, and a very hard time. We are cap at supporting people who have lost loved ones to suicide, I expect you will hear far more clichés than are helpful, and encounter far more people who are embarrassed than any other death. I guess that's what the specific grief charities like SOBS can offer, when you want to scream at someone's insensitivity. I think you're remarkable for getting back to work so soon - I think anone losing someone would be doing well but your grief is more complicated, if you like, than most. That said sometimes normality can be therapeutic I guess. I think if you're teetering on telling the DC the 'truth' maybe talking that through with one of the children's bereavement charities might help? Not that you aren't the expert in your DC but might give you confidence and clarity - Winston wish are good nationally but there are lots of small, regional charities too.
Sending love and keep talking here if it helps at all. flowers

GetOrfMyBin Sun 21-May-17 23:53:51

I'm so so sad. I thought I was doing ok and handling it but this evening I've been a wreck. I made the mistake of checking my work email earlier today and think I'm going into some potential stress tomorrow so that's had me on edge all day and possibly hasn't helped.

Lately anything I've been watching seems to have a lot of dad relationships in or has a reference to suicide. Not on purpose mind you, it just seems to pop up. I'd already had a bit of a cry as settling DS (4) at bedtime he was talking about my dad and about how he didn't get to say bye when he was alive. So I talked to him about that and after I went downstairs I cried a little.

DH asked if I wanted to watch anything so we decided to carry on watching sense8 and at the end of episode 9 of season 2 (don't want to say what happened in case of spoilers but it was dad related) the floodgates just opened and I keep bursting into tears.

It's not fair. I just want to go back to knowing he was having a long phone call. I don't want to go into work tomorrow and have to deal with shit I don't have the energy to deal with. I just want to stay in bed and sleep, to not have to feel.

Dlpdep Mon 22-May-17 00:36:58

Can you take some time off? I'm sorry. It's so difficult.

bassetmum Mon 22-May-17 06:37:17

Getorf can you not talk to someone at work and get some of your more stressful stuff given to someone else for the short term? I went back to work 3 days after dad died because I couldn't stand being at home anymore. You must just do what feels right for you.

I also found that after my dad died I would hear stories about cancer everywhere- on telly, on the radio, in magazines. I now don't think it was anything more than is normally around I was just more sensitive to it.

Iris65 Mon 22-May-17 06:46:59

I am so sorry. The other posters have said a lot of what I would have already so I won't rehash it.
I just want to repeat that it will get better. The following organisation might help too:
They specifically support people who have been bereaved by suicide.

Hemlock2013 Mon 22-May-17 06:53:52

It's good to feel the emotion though isn't it. There are references and triggers everywhere, your dad is a huge part of your life, your world. You can't and won't avoid thinking about it.

I read "safe" books when I was really in the grip of grief. A safe place to escape to. A lot of telly was not good, there are suicide references eveywhere, and again the way people reacted to me, either imagined or real, were all triggers.

It's shit, appalling. But you need to get through it. If crying is it then just cry when you need to. It's ok...

You sound like you're doing amazingly. X

Hemlock2013 Mon 22-May-17 06:54:51

I also wrote letters to him, angry and sad, whatever stage I was in. It helped. X

rizlett Mon 22-May-17 06:57:12

You are right op - it isn't fair. It's very early days since your dd died and it will take time for you to get through this.

It's ok to cry - even in front of other people. Life and death is sad. It's ok to be sad. Quite often the sad is mixed up with anger too. When my dad took his own life I was so angry. I hated every man in the world and every daughter who still had their dad. (and then hated myself for feeling like that.) I still have some difficulties with dad/daughter relationships but now I know how to manage that.

I no longer cry if I see anyone taking their own life on tv - we don't really say 'committed' or 'suicide' anymore because those words are related to the past when it was ridiculously considered a criminal act.

Like you I thought it was everywhere but actually it was only that I was more aware. (like when you get a new car - you start to notice all the cars the same.) I did find it helped me to keep at work - even though I wanted to give up and stay in bed - work helped keep part of my life 'normal.'

It's ok to cry - a lot. It's ok to be angry - a lot. Despite what my dad did I still am who I am and I still love him and if he was still here I might be happier or I might not. That's not really down to what he did or didn't do - that's down to me - how I look after myself. After a long time I now totally accept what he did - I might not like it but I understand enough and love him enough to accept his choice. It wouldn't be mine - but I'm not him and he's not me. We are all different.

When things get hard please think of calling samaritans. Or maybe look for a support group where you will find other people who truly understand where you are.

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