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What can I send my friend whose mum died today?

(9 Posts)
colourdilemma Wed 17-May-17 22:49:32

My dear friend's mum died today from very recently diagnosed cancer. I have spoken to her and she doesn't need company or immediate help because family are there. What can I send or do? I've offered specifically that one of us will go to her any time to just be there, that she can come here any time. I am usually a giver of food. Would that be wrong? I guess I'm looking for things I can send/give without fear of it being the wrong thing and I'm conscious of not giving a bland, non specific "if there's anything we can do" type of response.

user1491572121 Thu 18-May-17 12:43:42

We had a lot of flowers when my Dad died and we appreciated them all.Cards which had a nice little thought in them were good....some we had included things like "I remember when your Dad did X...." and they'd written a nice memory they had.

That really helps OP because it feels like the loved one isn't forgotten. You know they're dead but they're not forgotten.

Dodie66 Thu 18-May-17 12:45:16

Flowers and a card. I had loads of cards when my dad died and really appreciated them

paap1975 Thu 18-May-17 12:47:17

I have found that people tend to appreciate when you share a memory or an anecdote. It makes it so much more personal. So now, I try to include one in every such card I write

CakeUpWall Thu 18-May-17 12:49:36

Like you, I'm a giver of food. In your situation I would take them a lovely cake. I have done this for bereaved friends, and it is genuinely appreciated. Shows you care, and they have something to offer the many people who are inevitably at their house drinking tea.

MountainDweller Fri 19-May-17 03:04:27

Yes I agree - I card with a personal note recalling something about the parent. There were really appreciate by my mum and me when my Dad died recently. And yes offer to do anything she needs - it's good to know you have people you can call on.

I would go with a one pot meal to save cooking one night as even thinking of what to eat eat was a challenge. Or a lovely cake or homemade biscuits as a pp suggested. For flowers I would go with a little plant or an arrangement - we loved getting flowers but having to sort big bouquets into vases was a pain after the first few as we ran out of vases and space!

AstrantiaMajor Fri 19-May-17 08:19:50

I think a letter or a card with how you truly feel. I agreed shared memories of mum. She may not read it now, but in the future she will really treasure those words and the friends who wrote more than a trite phrase.

I don't think food or gifts is appropriate. I could not be bothered with things like that, it put me under an obligation to be grateful. The food was thrown away, the dish had to be returned. Also flowers already arranged are better than ones wher you need to faff around finding vases.

Fadingmemory Fri 19-May-17 23:03:16

Something to plant in the garden - a fruit bush or tree?

TheDuchessofDukeStreet Fri 19-May-17 23:26:00

If it was one of my friends I would go to Marks and get a whole cooked chicken, nice bread, cheese, grapes and a bottle of wine. That might sound more appropriate for a picnic or happy occasion, but it's the sort of thing that can be shoved in the fridge or freezer and brought out for an impromptu meal say, the evening after the funeral. But really, whatever you do, it's the act of kindness your friend will appreciate, not what you take. Support in the months to come will be so much appreciated too. You sound a very nice friend.

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