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May I tell you about my amazing grandmother

(10 Posts)
DevilsInTheDetail Sun 07-May-17 21:31:00

Hi everyone

I am a long time lurker here on MN but this is my first real post and I would like some advice please as i dont know where else to turn

I lost my wonderful Nan early this year, she was in her late 60s I was pregnant with my 2nd child who is now a happy healthy baby

I guess i am posting as I am really struggling inside with her loss.
I cannot face it or think about it without feeling like I am about to collapse and shut down inside. I figure its easier, in a way, to ignore it and not deal with it, than face the reality of her not being here and at least be able to try and keep it together for my children.

I have no one really to speak to in RL as the consensus seems to be that everyone should expect to lose their grandparent, and while there is alot of truth in that, I feel the relationship I had was different, she raised me since I was a baby, I lived with her and my grandad til i moved out of home after i finished university.

She was my mum in alot of respects, she always fought in my corner whether i was right or wrong, she gave me a warm and loving home, encouraged me to do my best and without her care and love I can honestly say my life would be very different to what it is. I would have more than likely have been placed in care.

Even after I left home, (I moved to another part of the country) I spoke to her everyday on the phone and visited twice a month, she kept my room the same and it was always a very warm welcome when I came home, even more so after I had my first child.
She adored my DC1 and spoilt her rotten and even though she is just
2.5 she talks about her nan and asks me where she is, I haven't the heart to tell her anything other than she has gone to live on the moon ( i had no idea what to say other than that)

She became quite ill the middle of last year and deteriorated quite rapidly, after her last hospital admission I would travel home nearly every weekend and use all holiday from work to help my grandad care for her, he cared for her up until her passing.

Strangely it never entered my head once that I would lose her, I always maintained hope that she would get better and back to the fierce loving woman she was.

I still make the journey home with my children just not as often and they get to spend time with their grandad who equally adores them, but for me i struggle, her absence is felt in the very bricks of the house.

I apologise for the essay but I guess what I am asking is if there is any advice on how to maybe face or deal with the grief that losing someone so close to you brings

Thank you

LittleHo Sun 07-May-17 22:15:50

I'm dealing with the recent loss of my lovely Mum and my children (who are all teenagers or above) viewed her as another mother. My Dad is struggling on alone and I know what you mean about feeling the absence in the family home. Their house seems to echo and you walk into a memory wherever you go.

These are the things that are helping me -
- Looking after my Dad - he is visiting once a week & I visit him.
- Talking about my Mum to as many people as possible.
- Planning lovely things to do for the children as this is what my Mum wanted. Your Nan would want you to do this too. She would want you to laugh and be happy. She is immortal through your children.
- Pour all your love into your children and pass on the fantastic way your Nan raised you. Keep her memory alive.
- I try to do one nice thing a day for a friend or stranger which Mum would have liked and it really helps lift my spirits.
- A photo of your Nan might help. I have a lovely one of my Mum and she is always smiling.
- Get a happy box set (nothing too taxing) and watch one episode a day.
- Go for one walk a day if you can find the time.

I hope one of these ideas helps you. flowers

user1490395938 Sun 07-May-17 23:11:32

Hello, I had to stop by and say how sorry I am about your nan and Littleho how sorry I am too about your mum. I can relate regarding losing a nan totally even though it's been many years since mine passed away (back in 1987, I was 6) and I miss her dearly even now and just wish we had her here now. She passed young and it breaks me to think that she could have had years left to enjoy. Your nan sounded truly lovely and Littleho is totally right, she'll live on through you and your Dc. Massive hugs to both of you xxxx

Chickenagain Sun 07-May-17 23:46:24

I'm sorry, I have no advice for you. I just wanted to say that your nan sounds like she was a truly lovely person and she was loved very much.
It is so sad that you have lost her, but you have such happy memories of her, it is her gift to you.
My condolences. 💐

UnicornsandRainbows1 Mon 08-May-17 00:02:45

Couldn't really read and run. I guess I have no real advise on how to carry on because everyone's different. Your nan sounds wonderful though and you must feel so fortunate to have someone in your corner and help raise you. No-one can take that relationship away from you!

I lost my grandad 2 years ago next month. It was pretty touch watching him go from bad to worse cuz he was such a character. It was terminal; I expected it and in a way wanted him to go so he wouldn't have to suffer, but when the time came, everything I built up meant nothing. I felt a lot like you, I still do sometimes, but honestly you do eventually move on bit by bit. It sounds weird and a bit unattainable atm but it will slowly get better.

If you do need a chat or rant myself (I'm sure others too) will only be a message away. It's not the same as people in RL but the offer is there all the same flowers

Notmyrealname85 Mon 08-May-17 00:18:58

I am so sorry you had such a shock in losing her, people who are so loving seem indestructible because their love is so strong. It shows how much you meant to one another - you will have brought her so much joy over the years, just as your children are doing for you now.

A great way you can keep going is carrying on her legacy of kindness flowers She sounds like such a sweet and caring person - SO many of her values and so much of her character will be a part of you already, so loved ones never really leave us in that respect.

Ps as a child I was told my granny had gone to live in the moon! And now every time the moon is out, I think of her. It s a nice way of remembering her

Bostin Mon 08-May-17 00:23:32

She sounds wonderful and I'm sorry for your loss. There is no rule book for these things and no hierarchy in grief. It sounds like you meant the world to each other and I am sorry that people around you have made you feel as though this is something you should get over quickly.
Is there anyone in your life you could open up to about what she meant to you and how badly you miss her?
Could you try and get some counselling?
I find it helpful to remember the good times and to be grateful for the time I had. I also am glad that my loved one is at peace. But time has been a great healer, I certainly struggled more in the first 12 months. I would have found it hard to be grateful for anything then.
Sorry if I don't have much practical advice but I think it might make things easier for you if you were able to speak to someone who acknowledged that your grief was valid.

Poudrenez Tue 09-May-17 15:07:35

Your grandmother sounds lovely Devils smile. I'm sorry that you've lost her.

DevilsInTheDetail Thu 18-May-17 10:50:51

Thank you everyone for your replies I really appreciate them.
My nan was a truly amazing woman, I worshiped the ground she walked on.
It has been very helpful being able to talk about it, I do have support IRL in the form of my family and my DH who has been my rock.

I just find it near impossible to talk about it out loud
I think i am at 'the angry stage' as my DH called it, angry at the injustice of it and the anger at why she was taken.
Angry when i see others with their Nan's and
I as a matter of course will be seeking grief counselling

LittleHo thank you so much for your advice I am so sorry to hear about you mum, I will defiantly be taking your advice on board and you are completely right about walking into a room and walking into a memory.

Thank you everyone again for your advice.

Tomorrowisanewday Thu 18-May-17 10:57:16

Op, it's such a short time since your grandmother died, your feelings aren't unusual when you were so close.

I was very close to mine, and still find myself talking to her, or asking myself what her advice would be - and she died 26 years ago!!

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