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Grief, stillborn & ttc

(16 Posts)
Hopeandpaige Thu 04-May-17 20:11:18

Just thought I'd share whats going on at the moment and I'd love to know if anyone has any advice!

1St October 2016 was my due date, the day me and my partner had eagerly been waiting for, 9 months of tears, fear and overwhelming joy had built up to this day.
It was around 7am on that Saturday morning and I woke to notice my belly had tilted a little to the left... Not very concerned me and my partner lay in bed waiting to feel her little kicks. After an hour of nothing we took ourselves to the hospital at George elliot in Nuneaton to have a little check and see if we had a chance of having baby induced soon. I layed on the bed in triage and their was a lovely young midwife asking loads of questions about our nursery and so on.. She attaches the monitor and nothing... Silence.. Just pure silence. My heart was in my mouth and I went completely cold and numb. I remember I couldn't look at her anymore her face was alarming me so I just stared into my partners eyes, before we knew it there were 5 doctors around us and the senior doctor with all different types of equipment and scan machines swarming the little cubicle. And then everyone left and it was just the senior doctor left and he went down on his knees and held our hands and said "I am so sorry, theirs no heartbeat". And it's that line right there that haunts me and I will never forget that moment our world came crashing down all around us. My boyfriend broke.. He collapsed into me and cried his heart out, I just lay there numb and empty not a single tear came out. I remember they started talking about inducing me and what happens next and I just got up and walked out. It felt like I floated out of the hospital I wasn't in my body anymore I was in a severe state of shock. We went home but I couldnt go in.. I couldn't see the nursery or the pram or even our "mummy & daddy 2016 mugs" everything in the house reminded me of how much we've just lost. The rest of the day was a blurr. I woke Sunday morning and we took ourselves back to the hospital to listen what happens next they took me straight to labor ward where it was full of joy and little tiny baby cries and I sat on the bed in room 1 thinking how and why! Angry scared and empty all at the same time
They started the induction process that afternoon and I begged with them to let me take it slow, my baby girl was still in there and to me she was safe and I wanted to keep it that way for as long as I could. After alot of tears and complete heartbreak my baby girl paige was born on the 4th October 2016 weighing 8lbs 2 and a half Oz. Theirs no words I can write down in this box that will describe the feeling in that room once she was born. It was just silent, and no other word than pain and also a little proud of myself that I made such a beautiful baby girl it was such a mixture of feelings and words just can't explain.
We opted for a post mortem and once we got her back we had her funeral. On the 16th December we got told at the post mortem reading that she had died due to asphyxiation caused by delayed villious maturation, basically my placenta had grown old before its time and stopped supplying oxygen. We have been told it's extremely rare but we have a 1 in 20 chance of it happening again.
Christmas day I was ovulating and we took the decision to try again for another baby in hoping that we can somehow find some happiness in our lives and help rebuild some of our emptiness but in no way replace our beautiful girl paige. Unfortunately it hasn't happened as quickly as we had hoped and it's now may and I got my period today I feel very deflated and every month you build up such a hope that it's your month and then it starts all over again, I got sent for a cycle 21 blood test this month and came back fine so I am ovulating but I can't help the stress. People say relax and it will happen but when you are grieving and your need for a baby is borderline an obsession it's very hard to lay back and think oh well maybe next month... Months just seem so long apart these days and every month my obsession gets bigger and all the more consuming I've got his and hers conception tablets, fertility lubricant, digital and non digital ovoulation tests and about 25 pregnancy tests at 1 time. I feel like my need for a baby to love and care for has taken over my life and possibly in some ways it feels like I'm doing it to take my focus off from my grief, I just feel very angry and let down by myself and it's a hard situation to get out from if anyone has any advice I would love to hear from another perspective

TheoriginalLEM Thu 04-May-17 20:17:56

her perfect little face flowers

prettywhiteguitar Thu 04-May-17 20:24:15

You poor things, she is perfect. You are grieving and ttc is also obsessive in any circumstances.

I would ring sands so you can talk to somebody, but accept the grief and love each other through it. My heart really hurts for you both flowers

Bertiebear1 Thu 04-May-17 20:27:49

Such a beautiful picture.

I can't even start to Imagine your grief. You are a very brave and clearly wonderful mama.

One of my closest friends lost her beautiful little boy 2 years ago. I can even image their grief.
They decided to put off ttc for a year while and went travelling and for a little while. Think it was their way of processing what had happened.
When they returned they conceived their baby who was born a few weeks ago.
It seems time was the healer that helped them.

Have you thought of trying acupuncture. I had trouble conceiving and used it. I found it amazingly calming.

Did the hospital put you in contact with SANDS? My friend found them amazing.

Itscurtainsforyou Thu 04-May-17 20:28:50

I'm so sorry op.

Fwiw I felt the same after losing our babies (they were born too early). I felt desperate, even obsessed with getting pregnant again. I think it's partly hormonal, your body is telling you you've had a baby but you have nothing to show for it. I felt that I needed to have another baby asap to put right what had happened. I think it's normal to feel like this - I think the stats show that women who've had a stillbirth are often pregnant again within a year.

Saying this, my gp told me that I should be careful not to have a "sticking plaster baby", that is, have a baby before dealing with my grief. What you've been through is horrendous and you do need to be able to process it. I can recommend SANDS groups, they helped me and I felt like I wasn't alone in my experience and feelings.

In my case it took me a year to get pregnant again, but I ended up have two successive miscarriages. The following year I had another very premature baby, but happily this one survived.

Sending you much love and flowers - you are not alone.

mistermagpie Thu 04-May-17 20:31:03

Oh she was perfect. I'm so sorry Paige was taken from you. I can't imagine what you are going through but a close friend of mine has been where you are and not has two healthy sons. She also was desperate to conceive again, understandably, and they struggled but it did happen eventually. I know this doesn't help you but don't lose hope.

On the ttc stuff, we tried for six months to conceive DS2 and the month we succeeded I sacked off the ovulation kits etc and we just dtd every other day from when my period ended. Could you try that?

Good luck and flowers

Ratatatouille Thu 04-May-17 20:43:49

What a beautiful picture of Paige. She is perfect flowers

Do you think you would be able to consider doing the same as Bertie's friend? Just saying to yourselves that you will take 3 months or 6 or 12 and put the TTC to one side. Maybe travel or work through a list of things you've always wanted to see in the UK. Just refocus and take some time as a couple to grieve, speak to SANDS, find some headspace outside of TTC for a while? It's completely understandable if that doesn't sound like a possibility though, the need to have a baby can be all consuming.

MadeForThis Thu 04-May-17 20:50:06

What a beautiful photo. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain.

Ellieboolou27 Thu 04-May-17 20:55:33

7 years ago today I gave birth to my beautiful perfect son who was born sleeping.
I now have my almost 5yo and 20 month old girls asleep upstairs.
After losing my son I had 2 mmc and it took 18 months ttc before I had my daughter.
I hated all pregnant women, I became twisted and obsessed, bitter, jealous and angry. I had counselling, anti depressants, but nothing actually cured me until I brought my daughter home.
Having been in your shoes, I know how you feel, people expect you to move on, but until I became pregnant again I just couldn't.

SANDS and ARC helped a lot.

op you will get there, it was the darkest moments of my life and I never in a million years imagined I would be a mum, but I am, and in time you will be too flowers

socialanxietysrus Thu 04-May-17 20:56:57

What a beautiful little girl xx

3littlebadgers Thu 04-May-17 21:12:29

Oh my darling, your pain is unimaginable. Your little Paige was beautiful, you did make a really lovely little angel, and such a good weight too.

I lost my little girl at 40 + 5 in March 2015. The same as you pretty much, I didn't notice any movement as went in to be checked (just on the safe side) and nothing. That scan to confirm and the millions of questions about what you'd like to do etc. even now it makes me shake to think about. Please, please talk as much as you can about it. To whoever you feel comfortable talking to. I am two years down the line. I can get through more better days now than at first, but those periods of real low still hit and start to get lonelier as time goes on and everyone thinks you should be over it sad

I completely inderstand the need to fill those empty arms. When we left the hospital the midwife said she'd see is again next year. At the time I thought she was mad and cruel. But I wasn't prepared for that desperation to fill those empty arms. I think looking back I wanted to fix everything and get it back on track.

I did fall pregnant and I now have a beautiful, healthy baby boy. The pregnancy was hell, so please prepare yourself and enquire about what mental health support the hospital will offer. You will deal with your loss but also the fear of that pain all at the same time. It is like standing on top of a cliff you have already fallen off one. You can't quite believe you are there again and you remember the pain of every rock you hit against on the way down.

I struggled when I found out my baby was going to be a different sex for the little one I lost. I was convinced I'd have another girl, I just wanted my baby back. The realisation that actually that baby was not going to be the baby I lost was like grieving all over again. It sounds daft but I guess only those who have lost will understand the desperation to get your baby back.

As soon as my little boy was placed into arms, alive and well I was so relived. The most important thing was he didn't change how I felt for her, which was one of my worries. I loved and missed her just the same. But I also loved the little boy on my arms. He brought with him a whole new reason to be happy again, I guess a beautiful balance to the sadness I am honorific to feel fory angel girl.

Please please please take good care of yourself. flowers for you and starbear for Paige.

PM me if you need an ear or if you want to ask anything about my experiences. I am more than happy to answer anything and help to make this journey a little less lonely.

deckoff Thu 04-May-17 21:14:07

I am so sorry for your loss. Such a beautiful girl, and a lovely picture of you all flowers

Although I can't possibly imagine what you're going through, I know the craziness of TTCing and have done everything you're doing and lived two-weeks to two-weeks for years. After 6 early losses, it eventually took me going on anti-depressants and having to stop for us to to take a break. The last few months have been unexpectedly helpful and helped us both process things, and although I'm glad to be coming off the pills now, it might be another idea for you too if you need a little extra help?

But mainly, when you're grieving there is no right or wrong way to feel or be. All you can ever do is keep getting through day by day.

Thinking of you both and little Paige. flowers

3littlebadgers Thu 04-May-17 21:15:27

Please excuse the typos I was rushing to get something out to you

NavyandWhite Tue 09-May-17 05:26:17

I am so so sorry. Paige is beautiful. flowers

JennyRMorris Wed 31-May-17 12:03:19

Hi,

I'm fairly new here so I hope posting is ok even though the last post was a while ago.

I didn't want to read this and not pass on my deepest condolences.

My partner and I have just gone through the exact same heartbreaking experience. Our little boy, Edward William, was born sleeping on the 18th of May, after 38 weeks and 2 days of seemingly normal pregnancy.
We had a service for him yesterday and we are due to collect his ashes later today.

There aren't any words that can be said that will bring you any comfort, I know that from experience, I just wanted you to know that if you would like someone to speak to who knows your pain, I am here.

I too am currently thinking a lot about being pregnant again, in between going over and over what happened to us and our little boy. My partner has agreed that he would like to start trying again soon, although we have agreed to give ourselves a little bit of time to process everything and let things settle somewhat. I think we will wait until after the 6 week consultant appointment before trying again.

It's such a hard, difficult, horrible path to be on. I find it hard knowing my life will never be the same again and that I have a long road of pain to endure before I feel remotely like a normal person again.
I'm taking each day at a time, every hour that goes by is an achievement. Life is very odd now and I think I will forever feel like a part of me is missing.

Once again, I am so very sorry for your loss of your beautiful daughter.
I'm only an e-mail away should you want someone to speak to.

Jenny x

April1984 Wed 31-May-17 19:18:20

I just happened across this post. I'm so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful girl Paige is. So sorry to for the others who have lost a baby.

I would echo a lot of what other a have said here, especially those who have lost babies. I lost my son when he was 2 weeks old after he was born early. The desire to get pregnant again was completely consuming. I too hated pregnant people and everyone else who everything seemed so simple for. It changed me forever.

As others have said, please contact SANDS and also keep in touch on mumsnet etc. I recognize the names of a few people on this thread and a couple of threads on mumsnet helped me so much. I realized I wasn't alone which didn't make it ok but having the support of others who 'got it' made a big difference.

Be kind to yourselves. Everything you feel is normal. X

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