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What can I do for my friend

(6 Posts)
fatowl Wed 26-Apr-17 10:26:12

My best friend's dh passed away this morning. He was only 50 and they have a DD14.
I live a long way away (overseas) , and I wouldn't get compassionate leave to go to the funeral (have already had funerals for my DF and MIL in last two months.
What on earth can i do? I know there is nothing I can possibly say.

I have the urge to send something, not flowers, my mum got sick of flowers. The thing my mum appreciated most was her friend who said she wasn't bringing flowers but would take her out after the funeral to buy a tree for her garden. Now that won't work I don't thin, because she might not stay in that house but that's the sort of thing.
Her brother is staying with her for now, but she doesn't have a huge amount of local support.

Screamifuwant2gofaster Wed 26-Apr-17 10:34:00

Personally I would send flowers. I have suffered a bereavement (child). We received many bouquets of flowers-meant so much to me. Also write a proper letter. Cards/letters people wrote meant such a lot.
Could you visit in a few months...maybe offer to take her away/ go along on family summer holiday.
Remember his anniversary/ birthday. Send emails/ letters regularly. After 4-5 months no one mentioned our child or sent anything. An odd card or note could mean a lot.
If she and you have a faith/ go to church. You could ask for service/ mass to be offered at your local church at time of dhs funeral or in next month. Way of showing you are thinking about him.
You sound like a great friend

Tootsiepops Wed 26-Apr-17 10:37:17

When my mum died, I had her handprint taken and turned in to a charm for my bracelet. Might you be able to enquire with the funeral parlour if that's a service they offer? The other thing I treasure immensely is a memory bear my mum's work colleagues had made - they asked for a few pieces of my mum's clothing, and I got back an amazing teddy bear. I loved the idea so much, I had a memory quilt made too.

oklumberjack Thu 27-Apr-17 09:23:42

How about something like this dandelion tea light holder? Dandelions always remind me of watching beautiful things gently fly away....

bigbluebus Thu 27-Apr-17 14:00:36

If you send flowers, please considering ordering those that come in a bag of water and don't need arranging. When my DD died, we had so many flowers sent I had to ring around friends to borrow vases - not a job I really wanted to be doing!

Send your friend a card. Did you know her DH well? Can you write about happy memories you have shared together. Explain that you will not be able to make the funeral but offer to come and visit when you can (specify realistic timeframe) and promise a treat so she has something to look forward to - and then stick to it. So many people promised to pop in/go for coffee/meet for lunch after DD died and I'm still waiting nearly 5 months on.

bimbobaggins Thu 27-Apr-17 21:51:05

I would keep in regular contact with your friend and see if she wants you to do anything for her, even just being at the end of a the phone. My ds lost his dad recently (my ex) . getting through the initial days/ funeral isn't too bad because you are almost in a daze but it's the days and weeks afterwards that you could be doing with a friendly visit, chat etc and it seems as though everyone else has forgotten and moved on

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