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My father is dying

(7 Posts)
celticecho Thu 20-Apr-17 09:02:50

I'm not really sure why I'm posting. I think I just need to write this down to get things out of my head. St this point I know very little about what is happening, just that my wonderful dad is dying.

Back in February, a Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm was found in my dad. It was a very large one and he was immediately rushed to hospital for treatment. I live 200 miles away from him and have 2 children. My brilliant friend looked after the kids for me while my dp and I dashed up to be with dad. The surgery seemed to go well and we came home about a week later as he was recovering well.

A few days after we got home, dad developed some sinister symptoms and was found to have a pulmonary embolism and an infection in the site of the stent that was fitted. Again I dashed up to the hospital leaving kids with my dp as I didn't want to inconvenience my friend again! Once again, dad started to rally and it was deemed to be safe for me to come home again. While he still had the infection, he was responding slowly to the antibiotics and was likely to be ok.

He has been in a rehabilitation ward since the embolism and last night I was told by him that he's been told that the infection has got worse and is no longer responding to the antibiotics he has been on. I'm waiting for a call from his doctor later today to explain things in more detail, but from what I've been told from dad and the staff nurse on duty, he is now considered to be terminal and all they can do now is make him comfortable in what time he has left.

I'm going back up to be with his as soon as I can. I would love to bring him to my home, but I'm acutely aware that he has friends in his home town that he wants to spend time with too. I don't want to be selfish, but at the same time, I feel torn between being his daughter (and only child) and being mum to my children. His home is so far away from mine and I don't know how to be both parts of my life at the same time!!

There aren't many people I can call on here to help me with the kids. My mum lives 150 miles away and my children's dad live 50 miles away and has a job that means he can't take time off easily. My dp is self employed and works away a lot too. He is going to try and organise cancelling a job so he can either be with me and dad or at home with the kids, but there's no guarantee that he will be able to.

Is there anyone out there who can offer any guidance or advice? Anything at all? I feel so lost! My dad is my hero and I don't know what I am supposed to do!

Ebayaholic Thu 20-Apr-17 09:14:28

I'm so so sorry to hear this. To my mind, being able to support a dying parent trumps everything and you can absolutely call in favours and expect people to drop and cancel things - particularly your partner should cancel the job.

Worrying about putting on people should not be a concern right now.

Ebayaholic Thu 20-Apr-17 09:31:25

Actually, change my last reply- your kid's dad needs to step up now.

bluediamonds Sat 22-Apr-17 02:25:06

flowers

Babyroobs Sun 23-Apr-17 17:55:49

I think you should try to find out if your Dad would even tolerate the journey to your home, and whether that move would be realistic ? He may well be. too ill to travel.
Sorry you are in such a difficult situation.

Babyroobs Sun 23-Apr-17 17:57:10

And if your dad is well enough to make choices then ask him where e would like to spend his last days. He may prefer his own home with carers or a hospice or Nursing home.

celticecho Sun 30-Apr-17 18:19:04

Thank you so much for the replies.

I've just returned from my dad. He's been given around 6 months to live, but likely to be less. There's also a chance that the graft to strengthen the swelling may fail and he'll have an aneurism.

He is ok in himself. Life for both of us seems to feel like a rollercoaster! One minute weeping and the next laughing about a silly memory. He is hoping to be back in his own home in a few weeks. He says that while he isn't frightened of dying, he isn't ready to go yet. That statement really upset me as I'm not ready to lose him!!!

We are going to spend as much time with dad as
possible. Also hoping that he may be well enough to spend a week or so with us at our home.

Being 300 miles away is really hard. While I was with him, I felt guilt at not being with my children. When I got home, I felt guilty at not being with my dad! I guess I'll just have to deal with that over the coming months.

My exh has so far been incredibly unhelpful! He says he can't have the kids there as he lives in a shared house (it doesn't seem to be an issue when his dp stays over though!). He also says he cannot get time off from work easily so isn't able to even help out by taking the children out for the day!!

Since my original post, I've discovered there is a life limiting illness board so I may post on that in the future. It's going to be hell, but I'm grateful for the support team I have. My friend, my dp and my mum have really stepped up to support me. I know I'm not going to get through this without them!

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