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Suicide of brother, can't hold it together

(9 Posts)
MyPatronusIsABadger Tue 18-Apr-17 10:27:25

My brother has taken his own life. It happened about a month ago and I still feel numb. When people hug me (or I hug my mum) I feel no emotions. Some days I think I'm doing too well and I get sad because I do love him and miss him so how can I go on?

I had physical pain in my stomach and couldn't sleep the first week, but that's gone now. Sometimes I just cry but I dont 'feel' anything. I'm signed off work for another 2 weeks.

My Mum had an argument with my brother 24 hours before it happened. She told me at the time, but hasn't spoken about it since. He went missing after the argument (severe mental health issues so it really was missing even though he was a grown man) and then died.
I'm sorry for my Mum but I'm so angry at her. She's all I have left (of my family, I do have a wonderful DH although he has depression and I'm worried for him) and I feel exhausted by her.

Mum keeps making suicide threats and telling me bad things about my brothers life e.g. Her ex husband bullied him. I don't want to hear it, she lies all the time and I can't work out what's the truth.

I'm so angry but I can't think straight. I want to say 'he bullied both of us but you stood by him' she knows this, she wasn't great at looking after herself or us (very poor, always hungry, didn't organise herself to claim benefits to feed us, emotionally and physically abusive). But I can't think, I feel numb and cant make any decisions.

My mums doctor has been phoning me to make her go to appointments with mental health professionals, but I can't handle it. I want to make her go but I can't kidnap her, I wish mum didn't give her my number. I live on the other side of the country.

I'm jealous that everyone asks after my mum or that people are visiting her and bringing her flowers. I don't know what I want but I just can't face anything. I'm so numb but I keep crying.

I feel like I failed my brother, I didn't protect him from my mum. The police have made me aware of the note my brother left, it says that mum never loved him, but she doesn't know about its existence. I'm so sick of keeping a front. I wish I took him away, but he had so many friends and did love his hometown,so that comforts me because you can't just make a grown man move from everything just because one nasty person is there.

I'm so sorry for posting this, I'm not really asking anything. I don't want to make others sad.

GeraltsSilverSword Tue 18-Apr-17 18:29:42

Im so sorry this is happening to you. I am not very good at giving advice at the best of times, even less so since I'm also grieving for someone. But I just wanted you to know that someone is listening. Huge hugs to you x

DoItTooJulia Tue 18-Apr-17 18:43:34

Oh Badger that all sounds very difficult. Please be gentle with yourself.

It sounds like you could do with some real life support. When you got signed off did your GP mention bereavement counselling?

Aside from your DH, do you have any one you can talk to? Posting here is great too, but I'd really recommend you get some RL support as well.

flowers for you.

Notsandwiches Tue 18-Apr-17 18:51:11

So sorry for your loss Patron. I understand. I lost my brother last year. I don't know what to say to you because nothing will make it hurt any less. It is just tragic. Sad and tragic. If you want to talk or anything pm me. So, so sorry.

user1492526833 Tue 18-Apr-17 18:53:59

Hi OP.

So sorry about your brother. My brother took his own life in October and it's the most surreal thing to have happened. Please get support. You're not alone in this and it is completely shocking and life changing.
flowers for you and your family.

Poudrenez Wed 19-Apr-17 10:09:26

OP what jumps out at me is that you seem to have no support but are surrounded by dependant people. That must be really hard flowers.

You are not responsible for your mother. Whatever she chooses to do, she chooses to do. You need to look after yourself.

I'm so sorry about you losing your brother. I lost mine too three years ago in different circumstances, but I can relate to everyone asking how your mum is. My work gave me flowers, and my mother (who is otherwise lovely) actually said "why didn't they send them to me"? I'll put that down to grief talking..... Sibling grief really is ignored. On this thread, we are here for you, and are sorry for your loss.

The emotional reaction to your brother's death that you describe is totally normal, by the way. You just have to ride it out sadly. Keep posting here if it helps.

MyPatronusIsABadger Wed 26-Apr-17 20:55:37

Thank you so much for your kind words. I've found a book which is helpful as the family are all religious and I just want my brother to be ok.

I still feel numb and worry about breaking down later, but I'm going back to work shortly.

I do keep worrying other people are going to take their lives, but I guess it's just because something unthinkable has happened so it's not a far away idea anymore.

Thank you again for being so kind, it's so lovely of you all.x

look4833 Thu 27-Apr-17 21:46:17

Dear OP. I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died by suicide last year so I can fully understand what you are going through. I wish I could tell you some words of magic but sadly they just don't exist for this situation. Please look in to getting some support, I have been going to counselling once a week since and it has been a huge help to me. Time has helped too, the emotional pain isn't as intense as it was and not every day is all doom and gloom.
I know now that my DH was going to resort to suicide eventually. He just didn't have the tools to cope with any type of emotional crises and suicide was always going to be an answer. I try to imagine that he is now at peace and won't suffer no more. I still worry about others LO ending their pain by suicide also. I do try reminding myself that I can't control other people's actions and we must live and let live

TruckThisShit Thu 27-Apr-17 22:02:19

So sorry for your loss OP. flowers
I do agree that sibling bereavement can be very complex to deal with within the family dynamic and that bereaved siblings are often not well supported. Wishing you the best at this dreadful time. Hugs.

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