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Please stop me being so angry

(54 Posts)
NotReallyMeToday Thu 13-Apr-17 14:37:44

I found out today that my sister and best friend has days to live.

I’m devastated. I’m also stupidly angry, which I know is unreasonable, but I just want to rage at the world. I’ve been reading Facebook and MN and I keep wanting to post stupid angry posts screaming at people for caring about parking, or bad traffic, or the quality of their sandwiches today when they are alive, and their loved one are alive and how the hell does that stuff even matter?

I know if course it matters. I care about little things too and I know as well I’m being unsympathetic (silently, inside) about big painful things too – I wanted to yell at a friend of mine for bitching about ex, even though I know her heartbreak matters too. But I’m just so angry.

Please help me calm down. I have to be on good form for the hospital tonight and then I’ve got to be nice for the next few weeks. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way – god knows, my sister wouldn’t ask this of me. She’s one of the loveliest, gentlest people I’ve ever known. I’m being horrible and I don’t know why.

MovingtoParadise Thu 13-Apr-17 14:42:40

You do know why confused Your sister is FUCKING DYING and you DONT HAVE TO be understanding of anyone else's problems today. And you owe NO ONE niceness right now!!! At some point in the future I promise you that will feel less angry but that may be months away.

Reply to me and call me a raging cunt fuck arsehole - it will make you feel better.

Rage and rage and rage away flowersflowersflowersflowersflowers

TheQueenSnortsAvocados Thu 13-Apr-17 14:44:34

I don't have much in the way of advice, but my dad passed on in December, and I was furious. With everyone. All the time.

The only thing I told myself was that those who matter, don't mind; and those who mind, don't matter.

xx

iamreginaphalange Thu 13-Apr-17 14:44:49

So sorry to hear about your sister xx.

Scream and shout - you have every right to flowers

Penfold007 Thu 13-Apr-17 14:47:18

It's perfectly okay to be angry. Vent on here as much as you need.

NotReallyMeToday Thu 13-Apr-17 14:55:17

It’s just so unfair. So stupidly unfair. She’s only 40. She’s not that old. And she’s so smart, so sweet, such a bloody lovely person. Christ, if one of us had to go I wish it could be me, not her. She’s so much nicer, so much better than me and I’m as strong as a bloody horse and instead she’s barely even there.

And I’m furious. I’m furious as well that everyone is just wasting their time. I see these posts from people grumbling about their husbands, or friends, or loved ones and I want to scream DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE? YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE THIS LUCKY!

I want every single moment to be dragged out for every single second and I nearly bit the head off someone at work for saying ‘weekend soon’. I feel like I’m swinging constantly between wanting to cry and wanting to rip someone’s head off with my bare hands. But mostly the latter. I think if I start to cry I’ll never stop.

It’s not unexpected. We’ve known this was coming for ages – frankly – she’s lasted a year longer than anyone expected. But for some stupid reason I think I thought that meant it wouldn’t happen – there would be some kind of miracle. But now she’s got a DNR order on, and her organs are failing and I don’t think anything is going to get better at all.

NotReallyMeToday Thu 13-Apr-17 14:58:09

Shit.

I feel like a troll too. Like posting it here is me looking for attention.

I’m sorry. I’m not very coherent. I don’t have anyone I can talk to in real life right now. I’m stuck in work, waiting to get the train to go and see her. And I’m just splurging at total strangers because I don’t know what else to do.

Pawsbutton Thu 13-Apr-17 14:59:49

So sorry about yourflowers

My sister died some years ago and the anger was massive.

I was particularly livid with my SIL who, two days after dsis died, sent me a very bossy email demanding I drop everything and help her organise her kid's birthday. How I didn't slap her I don't know.

incogKNEEto Thu 13-Apr-17 15:07:39

You don't have to apologise. This is a shit situation for you and your family to be in, rage all you like, it is not looking for attention it's releasing some of your righteous fury. If l was in your situation l would be raging too. One of my dd's friends died last week in a car accident and l feel furious about that. Such a waste, he was too young, too good and kind, it's unfair. Unfortunately everyone else's life goes on as normal, which makes it especially hard when you want to stop the world and get off for a bit! flowers

HurricaneHalle Thu 13-Apr-17 15:08:03

Splurge away.

You have every right to ALL those feelings. Every one of them is RIGHT.

Youdontwanttodothat Thu 13-Apr-17 15:16:02

Totally get it. Even being told it's normal and OK is rage provoking.
Swear as much as you fucking want. Rage as much as you want. It is unfair and shit.

MovingtoParadise Thu 13-Apr-17 15:20:45

So terribly sorry for what you're going through. She sounds amazing sad

NotReallyMeToday Thu 13-Apr-17 15:24:56

Smart, good, funny. I've literally never heard her say a mean thing. She completed her Masters after she was told she was terminal, just because. Won a prize for it too.

She should have been an academic, done her PhD, had kids. Instead this fucking illness stole her thirties, then the rest of her life. Cunting stupid bastard thing.

I want to rampage over MN and throw abuse at every parking thread I see too. THEY ARE JUST FUCKING CARS.

Youdontwanttodothat Thu 13-Apr-17 15:28:03

She sounds brilliant. Obviously I have never met her but it's great to know such brilliant women are in our lives.

0nline Thu 13-Apr-17 15:29:34

I feel like a troll too. Like posting it here is me looking for attention

No love. It's none of that.

You are in agony, which is a lonely, lonely place.

<huge massive hug>

I wish I could take away the pain for you, every bit much as I wanted somebody, anybody, anything to take it away for me.

bsmirched Thu 13-Apr-17 15:35:56

Oh NotReally you're so totally entitled to feel the way you do. I'm in a horribly similar position. My sister is also terminally ill. I too get the rage on Facebook, especially those me memes about getting old. How dare they? Everyone else's troubles seem so trivial and I just want to scream at them. Sending you lots of love x

SaorAlbaGuBrath Thu 13-Apr-17 15:39:16

OP I'm sorry, it's just awful. My mum is dying and I'm desperately trying to hold it together without raging at people for wittering on about meaningless shite because it feels like the world is ending.
I wish I had advice, but I don't, so I'm sending a very un-MNetty hug and some flowers and an acknowledgment of how shit it is for you and for your family.

ineedwine99 Thu 13-Apr-17 15:44:15

Big hugs OP flowers
Rant away, rage as much as you need. I'm so sorry your going through this, your sister sounds an amazing person and so strong, as are you.

MrsMozart Thu 13-Apr-17 15:50:59

Anger needs an outlet. Here is a good place.

I still get angry that my Mum didn't get some peace before she went. I got angry at all the stupidity around me. I just wanted a nice trip to the garden centre coffee shop for her. Was it too much to ask? It still pisses me off eight years later.

What I'm trying to say, and doing a crap job of it, is that anger is part of this whole shitty thing.

MamaHanji Thu 13-Apr-17 16:00:54

I'm so so sorry.

You don't owe it to anyone to pretend to not be angry. Rage away. It's fucking unfair and just so sickening that this is happening. And you are allowed to be angry.

You have every right to be angry. You are allowed to be angry. Scream shout and swear. I'm so sorry this is happening:

I know you know that no one is deliberately being insensitive, but you are still entitled to be fucked off with their trivial problems.

She sounds amazing your sister.

And sometimes strangers make the best listeners. In my experience, it's easier to talk to a stranger about your darkest emotions than it is someone you know.

0nline Thu 13-Apr-17 16:10:10

In my experience, it's easier to talk to a stranger about your darkest emotions than it is someone you know

^^That.

NotReallyMeToday Thu 13-Apr-17 21:13:02

Just leaving hospital now.

This is awful. She's barely able to speak.

I just want to curl up in a ball right now. I am meant to be in work tomorrow and I've no idea how I will cope. This is the worst day of my life. I'd give anything - parking problems, cheating husband, money, fat, job troubles - for this not to be my life.

I want to cry but I can't. I just have to keep being happy and perky. And inside I'm howling. Fucking bastard cunting bloody fuck.

I want the world to stop. I want this to be over. But I want it to stop more. Every single minute to stretch out. I have no idea how my brother in law is being so strong.

Fuck.

909090Gertrude Thu 13-Apr-17 21:33:14

I'm so so sorry about your sister. I was in this situation a few months ago. It is shit beyond belief.

Can you can call in sick tomorrow?

Take care, keep posting, it does help to not suppress the emotions. X

Frazzle76 Thu 13-Apr-17 21:40:00

Call in sick tomorrow, and the rest of the week. (I take it you're not going to get the bank holiday weekend off) you'll never get this time back so be gentle on yourself and go back and see your sister if you need to. And, like everyone else has already said.
Rage. It's so bloody unfair.
All those idiots who don't appreciate who they have. They have no idea what a bastard grief is.
Xx

NotReallyMeToday Thu 13-Apr-17 23:01:35

I could call in sick tomorrow. I'm tempted to, but then I think maybe I will need the time later and I'm only due to be working a half day. I don't know.

I'll see how I feel in the morning.

DH is being lovely. He's cooked for me and hugged me and I'm a little bit calmer, but it feels just so fucking overwhelming. A bit of me still doesn't want to believe this. How can it be happening? This is so shit.

Now sitting on the sofa sorting out DVDs to take back to the hospital so she has some more stuff to watch. At least that gives me something to do.

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