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Young DC have lost DF.....What to expect.

(7 Posts)
SameOldNewName Thu 06-Apr-17 22:38:29

My DC (5&6) sadly lost their dad (my XP) last week. They'd had intermittent contact for the last year due to his state of health, but his death was not really expected.
I have explained things as simply & honestly as I can, and they've asked loads of related questions. They seem to be coping ok at the moment tho i understand it takes a while for it to really sink in. I would really appreciate any insight from anyone else who's been through a similar situation so i can prepare a bit for how they might react to funeral (do i give them the choice to go?) & in the longer term. Mtia.

notactuallyamum1 Thu 06-Apr-17 22:50:44

I lost my dad when I was 4 1/2. I had great support from a charity called Winstons Wish. Definitely get in contact with them. It really helps to know as a child that you're alone or weird and other kids have lost their parents as well.

Keep photos up (I know you said he was your ex but) as it was really comforting to see them and be able to talk about happy memories.

The first few years were hard but I've grown up and survived it! I also haven't let it shape me as an adult the way it understandably did as a child.

I'm sorry for your loss x

mouse12 Thu 06-Apr-17 23:21:18

Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss. My children are 3 and 5 and suddenly lost their DF 2 months ago. I was very open and honest and they both saw him in hospital after he died (but was still on life support for organ donation), again at the Funeral Directors (my eldest requested this) and then they attended the entire funeral, including the burial. I think it helped them as they asked lots of questions, but are very clear that "Daddy is dead" but they keep his memory alive by talking about him, having a memory jar and lots of photos up. Winstons Wish was recommended to us too, as well as some good books- I'll find the titles if that will help. I hope this helps - it's an awful time, but children seem to be amazingly resilient if you're honest with them. Of course that's only my experience and all are different. Thinking of you as this must be very hard on you too.

mamabluestar Sat 08-Apr-17 16:12:59

My sister died 4 weeks ago unexpectedly, leaving behind her 9 year old daughter. My niece and my daughter (also 9) both went to the funeral, which was their choice to do. My 5 year old son didnt go. I spoke to the school therapist who advised us to be factual when explaining what had happened. I think children can see through things that are sugar coated, which usntvhealrhy for them. We were also given the advice that children can sometimes be made to feel like they have been excluded if they are not given the option to attend a funeral.
The girls are being surprisingly resilient at the moment, but it really is still taking it a day at a time.

SameOldNewName Sat 08-Apr-17 20:34:04

Thanks for all your replies. They seem to be understanding things ok, be it facts or holding answers (we won't be sure of the cause for a while). We've started some memory based projects which they seem to be enjoying (for want of a better word). I'm going to give them the choice with the funeral, I think the elder will go but not sure of younger. I'm feeling apprehensive about explaining cremation tho. Names of books would be great if you get chance to check mouse12. Thanks again.

3catsandcounting Sat 08-Apr-17 21:00:03

I can recommend a book called 'Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine' - it's on Amazon.

I'm a primary school TA, and we've used (and photocopied!) this book many times. It's an activity book, working through their thoughts and feelings and gaining an age-appropriate understanding.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Tue 11-Apr-17 23:06:41

Sorry OP this must be so hard for you too .
You are doing everything right - and some great advice here too . They are lucky to have you

I really liked goodbye mog - it's a very beautiful way to describe death (albeit probably more
Pleasant and peaceful that it is...)

But focus on yourself too OP flowers

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