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My son has lost his friend

(15 Posts)
Springlambs Sat 01-Apr-17 09:55:57

DS, 13, lost one of his close friends tragically on Thursday. He was stabbed along with his mother..So so brutal.
I pretty much can't pull myself together but I really need to help DS but I'm unsure how.
The other kids in their friendship group seem to be crying/angry, but my son seems to be going through his every day motions as normal but in a kind of daze.
I myself can't eat, sleep or stop crying but I know I need to today, which is why I am asking for advice.
I check on DS regularly, tell him to come to me if he needs me, that he doesn't need to be brave etc etc. This is really all I can do isn't it?
School have counsellors in.
I'm just aware of the lasting impact this is going to have on him and want to handle it correctly.

RJnomore1 Sat 01-Apr-17 10:02:11

I may have seen this story in the news, it's quite high profile.

I think you're handling it wonderfully. It sounds like he hasn't even processed it yet. Keep talking to him and keep talking about his friend. Encourage him to see the counsellor. Talk to the school if you are worried.

And although he's 13 and probably all "gerrof mum" hug him. Sometimes touch is really powerful in unlocking emotions.

I'm so sorry for everyone touched by this 💐 A child my older daughter went to schoool with was killed playing on their bike, she was younger but it was so hard to deal with (from our point of view). We don't always know what say about death, especially tragic death, to our children. I think just keeping talking is the only thing to do.

Springlambs Sat 01-Apr-17 10:42:25

Yes it's all over the news, which makes it harder as DS keeps reading about it.
He's been out with his friends and I think it did him good.
He definitely isn't keen on mum hugs lately but has actually let me last couple of days.
Sorry to hear your daughter went through something similar.
I just feel so angry that someone could do this to such an innocent child.

smartiecake Sat 01-Apr-17 20:44:29

I live local to you springlambs although my son goes to a different school. I have found this event so upsetting and i didn't know the family. Sending hugs to you and your son. Just hold him close so he knows you are there. He is probably too young to make sense of something so awful, I know that I'm finding it hard to make sense of.
Just take it one day at a time, I am sure he will talk to you he is probably in shock.

Springlambs Sat 01-Apr-17 21:02:46

Thank you Smartie, it's affected the whole community hasn't it.
He keeps saying he's sad but ok but I don't think it's really sunk in yet.
Least I've had a few hugs from him today.

smartiecake Sat 01-Apr-17 21:59:58

Both my kids have been asking loads of questions about it and one is primary and one a different secondary. The primary is very close by and the staff spoke to the kids Friday morning. It's absolutely heartbreaking and I can't believe anyone would do something so awful. Such a sad sad story, my heart breaks for all their family and friends. Everyone is in total shock.
Hugs for you you sound like a lovely mum flowers

Springlambs Mon 03-Apr-17 00:12:17

Thank you @smartiecake smile
It's truly horrific, just shocking and bitterly tragic.
DS, well I don't know what to think about him. He looks a lot less dazed now but isn't crying or anything still. He gets the odd teary eye but quickly composes himself. I don't want him to be bottling it all in.
Really don't know what to think.

noitsnotme Mon 03-Apr-17 00:19:43

I read about this incident earlier tonight. It was sad enough to read, thinking of immediate family, like the dad and daughter. I kind of didn't really realise the wider impact. I'm so sorry you're son is going through this. My son is 12, and the thought of having to get him through the loss of a friend is unimaginable. flowers

Springlambs Mon 03-Apr-17 00:30:40

It's heartbreaking. even little things not hearing him calling his name over the Xbox constantly, in fact he hasn't even turned the Xbox on since I don't think. We took flowers but all I could think about was the last time I'd gone there with DS, happy times, never could have imagined our next visit would be taking flowers.
So worried, he's never just anyone close before, and such a young lad who was an amazing friend and in such tragic circumstances just feels like too much for him to cope with. I almost want him to get angry and cry or something so I know he is processing it! Just hope he's not doing all that while he's on his own. Maybe he is I suppose.

Springlambs Mon 03-Apr-17 00:31:18

*never lost anyone close

smartiecake Mon 03-Apr-17 09:19:36

He may be in shock and it hasn't hit him yet. Has your DS gone to school today? I am sure the school will be offering support although who knows how and where they start with such a tragic event. It may be over the coming weeks and months your DS will get upset. We all grieve in different ways and he probably doesn't know where to start in processing his feelings.
It's such a tragic event I was upset just watching it in the news. How does anyone come to terms with what has happened? There is no right and wrong way to grieve. You sounds like you are doing everything right by your DS, keep being there for him and keep hugging him and supporting him

Springlambs Mon 03-Apr-17 17:14:20

Yes he went to school and he's out with his friends now.
That's what I'm worried about, that it hasn't hit him yet. He said lots of people went for counselling today but he didn't. He said none of the lads close friends did, which makes me wonder if they're just not ready to talk about it yet?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Mon 03-Apr-17 17:23:50

My ds friend walked in front of a train last year. . Going to the funeral was helpful - if this would be an option open to him.

Springlambs Mon 03-Apr-17 23:48:07

That's awful moira. How did your DS cope?
Not sure about the funeral yet, that will be totally up to him, but if he goes then both DH and I will go with him.
He looked a bit teary after school but 17 of them met in the local park after school and he came back a little perkier.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall Sat 08-Apr-17 21:47:56

How is he now - with it being a good week or so after it happened?

I lost a schoolfriend aged 15 over twenty years ago. She was shot by her step father (who then committed suicide). She fought for her life for five days but sadly succumbed to her head injuries.

I was in Y10 at the time and we went to an extra curricular activity together as well as her sister and my brother being 'an item' shortly before her passing.

It was a huge shock at the time. Nobody could process it. It was something you heard about happening to others therefore it didn't seem real, a bit like reading the news about it happening to someone else. It was a good 3 weeks after her death at her memorial when I eventually broke down in tears. I couldn't bring myself to go to her funeral (cremations freak me out) and at her memorial it became real; dawned on me that she was never, ever coming back and also I knew that my childhood was over. For me and everyone else, shootings and murders were confined to movies and news and now we felt like victims and that evil had been forced upon us. It wasn't like a rite of passage but it changed us all so much.

My tears were for her brutal death and the fear and pain she would have felt. But also for her generous gift in that she saved some lives through organ donation.

There is no magic wand or glasses in which we can see or know what to do, what to feel or how we will react from one day to the next.

Time does heal; but it leaves scars. Though I was never close to my friend, her death scarred me emotionally and mentally. It made me realise that my bubble was no more and that the world is a scary place.

I have no words other than allow time to help him go through the emotions that WILL come and be a listening ear.

For me, it has been a long time to 'get over it' but you never really do otherwise I wouldn't be here talking about it. 23 years later and I still think about what she would look like, whonshe would have married, her kids, her job etc.

Those we loose live their lives through our thoughts and dreams. We can imagine them into anyone we like - it keeps them alive I suppose.

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