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My Dad is dying

(37 Posts)
AlrightBabby Sun 26-Mar-17 15:59:56

Just that really, he's got cancer in more places than I thought possible and is so weak and helpless. I am finding it so hard as it's all been so sudden, and Mom is being all stoic and at times ridiculously optimistic (he has the hospice nurses in every day)

I don't have many mates to offload on, and DH is good but works long hours so I have so much time on my own to mull it over, can I talk to you lot on here about all sorts of shitty things I'm feeling sad

AstrantiaMajor Sun 26-Mar-17 16:26:18

Please talk away, I am listening. I lost my Wonderful Dad to Cancer too. It is shit, you are right. Do you want to tell about him?

plutohasfeelingstoo Sun 26-Mar-17 16:28:55

Sorry about your dad op that's truly rubbish. I'm listening too if you want to talk flowers

flumpybear Sun 26-Mar-17 16:31:24

Big hugs my dad died in 2010 of pancreatic cancer but it had spread to his liver - he was
Comfortable - is the GP coming to your /his home
To help with the pain management or is he in hospital? Big hugs and make him calm and comfy xxx

Wannabehermit Sun 26-Mar-17 16:41:05

My dad died just 8 weeks after being diagnosed with bowel cancer 2 years ago. It had already spread to his lungs and liver and he went downhill very quickly. Just awful for him and very hard for us to watch. Please offload all you want, it's a hard thing to go through xxx

picklemepopcorn Sun 26-Mar-17 16:48:19

My dad was diagnosed in November, having been fit and well. I don't know how long he has. Less than a year, though. It's tough.

moreslackthanslick Sun 26-Mar-17 17:10:35

Feel free to tell us lots about your dad - my mum's passing was very similar to this 💐💐💐

AlrightBabby Sun 26-Mar-17 18:28:18

Thanks for your messages, I've been over today and he was telling me he keeps trying to hold his breath (confused) but he can't die that way. I called him a plonker, I said you'll pass out and then start breathing again. I have to be lighthearted else he gets really down. He also tells me all about wanting to die when Mom is not around, he sees me as stronger than her, she cries a lot, I don't.

I've never really been a Daddy's girl, this is probably the closest I've ever been to him and that is strange as well, mind you, what's one more strange thing in a whole heap of fucked up.

He was OK until the start of December, 3 rounds of golf a week and so on, then he thought he had an infection due to some dental work he had and was ill all over Christmas and New Year. He was sent for various tests, and eventually, early this month we had a diagnosis.

He has been given about 2 months.

AlrightBabby Sun 26-Mar-17 18:30:04

Some of your stories are so like my Dad's, it's all going so fucking quickly.

KittyOShea Sun 26-Mar-17 18:36:39

OP my heart goes out to you. It is so difficult. My dad was the same and died within 8 weeks 18 months ago.

It is good that you are getting to spend time with him and a closeness to him.

Do talk away here. Sometimes it is hard to get the words out in real life.

Universitychallenging Sun 26-Mar-17 18:39:56

Oh hugs sweetheart xxx listening if you want to talk xx

NapoleonsNose Sun 26-Mar-17 18:44:13

Bless you OP. My dad didn't have cancer, he was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease and sadly died within a few months. It's really hard but I hope you get to spend some special time with your dad. Sending hugs and flowers. Stay strong and feel free to talk about your dad here.

AlrightBabby Sun 26-Mar-17 18:46:12

I have to be lighthearted else he gets really down. He also tells me all about wanting to die when Mom is not around Part of me is keeping it light because I'm scared what he might ask me to do, he's so adamant he wants it all over now

Chasingsquirrels Sun 26-Mar-17 18:46:34

So sorry to hear this flowers

AlrightBabby Sun 26-Mar-17 18:47:51

Thank you all for listening to me, it really means so much star

AcrossthePond55 Sun 26-Mar-17 20:09:19

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I lost my dad to a neurological condition 17 years ago and the last 4 months was not easy on any of us (including him) as he started to lose function rapidly. It's a bitch, all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep up a good face around him and your mum as much as you can. My dad wasn't an overly emotional person, he showed his love in deeds rather than words. But I did sit down with him and I told him how I loved him and spoke to him of some of the precious memories I had of him and of times we shared. I think it embarrassed him a bit, but I think he was also pleased.

I still miss my dad, but time blunts the pain and brings forward the happy memories.

Wannabehermit Sun 26-Mar-17 21:41:01

I'm so sorry OP. Like your dad, mine was active right upto diagnosis, trying to be strong and keep going etc.

Since my dad's death i have time to reflect, whilst obviously i would have wanted him around and miss him terribly, if he had to die of cancer I'm glad it was relatively quick in the end. He wasn't well enough to start chemotherapy, but even if he was it would only have prolonged a poor quality of life, it wouldn't have cured him. In the last week of life his Macmillan nurse was an absolute gem, she led us all through the darkest days and kept us going. She was very proactive in helping my dad pass with as little pain as possible. My dad wasn't really one for sentimental words, but we did have a chance to tell each other we loved each other before he died, and that comforts me greatly.

My mum found my dad's death a great shock, she had clung onto every positive thing the Dr had said but had failed to see the writing on the wall till the very end. I guess she couldn't bear to hear it.

I'll be thinking of you xx

thereisnocheese Sun 26-Mar-17 21:50:46

I'm sorry to hear what is happening to you. My mum was diagnosed early February and I think (hope really) that she will go in the next few days. She has deteriorated very quickly and I've come to be with her for the last month. It's so quick and so sad. I'm taking it one day at a time but it's hard. She's barely conscious now, feet have turned black and purple and I can only hope that she knows when we are there. Hang in there. And yes gallows humour is the only way I've got through it. Xx

Scrumptiousbears Sun 26-Mar-17 21:54:14

Sorry to hear this. My dad died of cancer in some years ago. He was ill and went into hospital for tests then we got a call saying he is 4 hours. Yes hours to live. He lasted 48 hours. It's utterly shit for you. wine

picklemepopcorn Sun 26-Mar-17 22:00:38

How lovely though, to have supported him in this way. Tough, but a privilege and reassurance and very very special sign of your relationship.

thesandwich Sun 26-Mar-17 22:03:59

Thinking of you. Rant away here.

AlrightBabby Tue 28-Mar-17 02:03:13

He's had a couple of rough nights now, and has become doubly incontinent, this is such a huge thing for a big, proud man who has always had impeccable manners and dignity. I bought him some new sheets in all his favourite colours (various shades of blue grin) as I felt at a loss as to what else I could do - I can do practical and I can do shopping, but I don't know how to give him his dignity back!

Fucking bastard disease!!

picklemepopcorn Tue 28-Mar-17 07:04:05

That's about all you can do, I guess.

AstrantiaMajor Tue 28-Mar-17 09:22:46

I agree that the robbing of dignity is so hard . I think they bear the pain so much better than the loss of being in control. I am thinking of you and hope there will be a little comfort for you knowing you did what you could for him.

Notmystory Tue 28-Mar-17 09:28:35

Incontinence was one of the things my DH was so worried about, he had a few days in the hospice a couple of weeks before he died and had an episode of not having quite made it to the toilet in time.
The shame on his face when he had to open the toilet door and get me to help him was just heartbreaking and is making cry typing this - and, despite the fact he is no longer alive and won't know, I've had to change my username to post it as there is no way on earth he'd want anyone to have known about it.
I can remember telling him it didn't matter and him crying, I think that's the only time I've ever seen him cry about his cancer.

Wishing you strength to get through these very very dark days.


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