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how long does it take

(15 Posts)
sippysoppy Sat 11-Mar-17 15:34:42

before things feel a bit easier after a bereavement? I lost my dear brother unexpectedly before xmas and its been so hard, especially for my parents.
I had one day this week which actually was slightly easier, I think I'm so worn out from the grief and crying that I almost don't have the energy for it to carry on-does this sound right?
some people seem to pick their lives up quickly and others seem to have loads of time off sick/counselling etc, I know people posting on this thread will be probably the ones who do feel it more, but I'm trying to get a feel for the "average" grieving process if that makes sense? just desperate for the pain to ease a bit

hickorydickorynurseryrhyme Sat 11-Mar-17 15:48:37

I'm really sorry for the loss of your brother. I lost my dad just over 2 years ago. Every bereavement is different. There's no right or wrong. What happened if you are ok sharing?

Mermaidinthesea Sat 11-Mar-17 15:56:58

So sorry to hear about the death of your brother. There is no limit on bereavement.
It takes you completely by surprise and some of us are worse than others, it took me 10 years to get over the death of my cat. I'm not being flippant here he was my best friend when I was housebound suffering from acute depression and couldn't speak to people.
It was the same with my grandparents, they left a gaping hole that could never be filled but it's easier now.
The grief can go away completely for a while then rush back when you hear a song or see something you both loved.
I have no time off work when I'm grieving becasue I find being isolated at home makes me crazy, I'd rather be with people all day and then go to bed when I get back. Everyone deals with it differently.

ACloudCoosHi Sat 11-Mar-17 15:58:01

I'm sorry for your loss... I agree - there is no set time for grieving - or indeed how you grieve. Everyone is different.

Do you have someone to talk to? I lost my DF at the end of November, and am finding bereavement counselling very beneficial.

Also Rescue Remedy for the bad days...

Time will will ease the pain eventually, but you'll never forget your DBro.

juneau Sat 11-Mar-17 15:58:09

It takes as long as it takes - I think that's the fairest way to put it. Every person and every bereavement is different, although I'm sure it is harder to accept when someone is young and has their whole life ahead of them, rather than being older and more in the natural flow of things. Certain circumstances around the death are harder to accept too - sudden deaths are harder than ones that are anticipated, etc.

The passing of time makes the burden a little easier, in most cases, although the pain (IME) never really goes away - it just becomes something that you accommodate into your life and get used to living with.

flowers for you. Whatever you feel is okay. However long it takes to feel 'normal' again is okay too. You might start to feel better after three months or six or a year - there isn't a particular time frame that is considered the norm. The only thing I would say is that grief over someone's passing is healthy, but if you feel yourself tipping into depression and despair do reach out for help to your GP and/or a bereavement charity.

PollytheDolly Sat 11-Mar-17 15:59:49

Grief is a personal thing. Sorry for your loss x

sippysoppy Sat 11-Mar-17 16:15:05

thanks so much for the replies, he had been ill but died of an acute bowel obstruction which was completely unexpected. I haven't stopped working and glad I didn't now even though it was horrific at first, I need the money but see people stopping when they don't. I wouldnt know what to say to a grief counsellor, other than that the pain is unbearable and I miss him so much, I would struggle to find words otherwise .
what I want to know is things like-I'm single-when would I even want to think about meeting someone? I feel I would have nothing to give but I know my bro wanted me to find someone decent and wouldn't want me sitting crying

BigFatBollocks Sat 11-Mar-17 17:42:37

Jun, have u experienced both then? Like for like? I've only watched my father deteriorate, day by day, little by little. I personally think they must both be as bad as each other.

BigFatBollocks Sat 11-Mar-17 17:48:42

Sorry for your loss sippy. flowers

Ninjacat Sat 11-Mar-17 18:21:51

I think the journey of grief is so overwhelming and yet subtle. There was no day when I felt "that's over now, lets move on" but like an oyster with a piece of grit I must have turned my grief over and over inside until it became smoother, more bearable, containable, but always within me.
No one can answer "how long?" but you will learn to live with the grief in time x

juneau Sun 12-Mar-17 08:09:56

bigfatbollocks that was my experience, but as I also said 'every person and every bereavement is different'. Watching someone deteriorate is very grim indeed. But is sudden more painful? For the people left behind - maybe - but I suppose you can draw comfort from the fact that at least it was mercifully quick. We'd all wish for a quick or sudden death, I think.

Poudrenez Mon 13-Mar-17 16:59:52

Hi OP - I lost my brother somewhat unexpectedly three years ago this week. It does get easier, but you can't rush it, as much as we might like to... I think psychologically speaking, after about 6 months you're supposed to be starting to 'integrate the bereavement', i.e. start coming to terms with it. All the cliches are true, you don't get over it, you learn to live with it etc... Now I sort of see myself as a large house, and my grief is one room. I know it's there, but unless I open the door it doesn't hurt me. Have you seen the film The Babadook? It's a bit like that. And yes, I felt completely mad for the first year (in waves), but now I've placed it. What you're going through is totally normal, extraordinary as it is at the same time.

xxx

UnmanWitteringAndZigo Wed 15-Mar-17 14:49:55

I'm so sorry about your brother, sippysoppy.

My sister died suddenly towards the end of last year. A while ago I also asked on here "how long?".
I can't help you with timescales (not much "ahead" of you timewise I suppose) but I will say that I too am still struggling - a lot - some days. Like you, I went back to work soon after (I had to), although what I've actually been getting done since my sister died is questionable. I read that losing a sibling can feel like you've lost who you are, and that's how it feels to me too. The whole world shifting violently under your feet at unpredictable intervals. I suppose all there is to be done is to ride it out.
I'm so sorry again, OP.

UnmanWitteringAndZigo Wed 15-Mar-17 16:09:26

Just to add to the previous post on re-reading your OP... it's also incredibly hard to watch what it does to your parents, and to know it must feel even worse for them than for you. I suppose that in itself is another massive loss (feels like loss of parents too at times) so perhaps it's not surprising that it still feels like this after a few months. Thinking of you, OP.

CPtart Wed 15-Mar-17 16:43:06

I lost my DM six months ago suddenly in a car accident. She was 69.
I also watched my DF deteriorate slowly over many years with a lung condition and die aged 54. No one death was easier to bear. You just have to live with it. More than sadness I often feel self pity that I am left without parents in my early 40's. And angry for them that their lives fell a good 15-20 years of what they 'should' have been. I'm sure you feel the same.
I had a week off work when my dad died, which in hindsight, was not enough. Three weeks when my mum passed, although so much of this time was spent sorting practicalities. Days go by now without tears, then suddenly grief hits and it's like a weight on my chest. I know from experience though, that this eases with time. That time is just as different for everyone as the circumstances in which they've lost someone.

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