My beautiful son - part 2

[minmooch]

My last thread is full so here goes another one.

This is a place where I write about my son - Will - who died aged 18 after enduring the horrors of brain cancer. He was kind, gentle, funny, quirky, intelligent, an inspiration. He endured for two years and 3 months of treatment with dignity, humour, positivity and strength.

Thank you for all your lovely words and for thinking of me/Will over his anniversary.

I survived the huge wave that hit, thought it would swamp me but I came out spluttering - thank you for those words Serendipity.

So here we go into the third year without you my darling boy. I'll try to swim in the sea and not be quite so swamped. No promises though.

I love you. I miss you. Every day. Every minute.

[cocochanel21]

Sorry for your loss minmooch.

I lost my dd 17mths ago its so hard to go on sometimes.

Take Care.

[LilyTheSavage]

Sweet, beautiful Will.
I understand darling min. Holding your hand and sending love.

[magimedi]

Checking in & sending you love.

We'll be here for as long as you want.

[1234hello]

minmooch

Thinking of you thinking of Will. You sound like an amazing mum to have raised such a special young man.

[Badders123]

Still here and still thinking of you and dear Will xx

[UnmanWitteringAndZigo]

Thinking of you, Minmooch, and of the lovely Will. I often think of the pictures you once allowed us to see on another thread, and of Will's beautiful smile.

[minmooch]

God this is hard. I'm really struggling my darling boy. I love you. I love your brother. But I really don't want to be here. It seems so bloody futile. I won't do anything stupid because your brother needs me not to do anything stupid. But I'm so tired. This third year is harder than the first two.

I feel worthless. Life feels pretty worthless and difficult. On the outside I cope. I work. I go out. I laugh. Yet more often than not I feel so bloody sad and lonely. I couldn't go home tonight. Just seemed so empty. Had to go to a neighbour's before I could go home.

I miss everything about life before you were ill, before you died.

I love you and miss you. It all went wrong when you got ill, when you died. Trying to make sense of it all, keep going is so exhausting. It's the same thing I have been saying these last 3 years. I'm tired of being tired. So fucking tired of being so fucking tired. This grief malarkey is killing me. I don't recognise myself often.

Tonight I want to get pissed and self destruct. I won't. But the desire to block it all out is immense.

Please let it get easier to bear.

[OpalIridescence]

Oh Minmooch, nothing I can say, can only offer you a hand hold and a place for you and Will in my thoughts.

Sending you much love, I truly hope this obscene situation does get easier to bear for you.

[Backingvocals]

God I'm so sorry minmooch. And coco. What awful loss you have endured. I cannot imagine. Strength and love to you.

[minmooch]

I'm sorry for not acknowledging your loss too coco. Im rather lost at the moment but I'm terribly sorry you have to endure this too.i hope you find a gentle way to navigate your path through this.

[magimedi]

My love to you Min - I am glad you have this space to say what you possibly can't say elsewhere.

We'll always be here for you - this is your safe space to say whatever you want.

And love to coco as well.

[minmooch]

Well I got through the night and today my darling boy. You're still not here but here I am.

I feel less raw today. That's about as good as it gets today. I'll accept that as yesterday, for some reason, was exceptionally hard.




Thank you Magi Backin and Opal for your words.

[awishes]

I didn't read your other thread but am in tears reading this, you have my every sympathy, it must be near to unbearable.
I am glad today was marginally better.
Do you have support from any organisations?

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

I followed your original thread about your lovely son and I have thought about you from time to time. Your writing had a big impact on me, the love you had for Will. I can't think of words that are good enough. I hope you have support around you.

[1234hello]

Can't really find any words for you min. I really can't get my head around our loved ones being gone. Sending strength to you and anyone else who needs it.

How is your other DS doing?

[minmooch]

Hello hello - that made me smile. My other son seems fine. He's away at uni, took a while to settle in but he's doing really well, in his second year, on course for a first. He doesn't really talk about his brother. I'm nervous of not talking or talking too much about his brother. It's a lot for him to carry I suppose. We tread carefully around each other. People will say it must be lovely when he comes home and it is. But when he's away I can pretend that both boys are away. When he's home it's obvious one is missing. I then go over the top to try and make it all ok. End up exhausting myself and feeling very vulnerable. I try and hide it but he's an intelligent boy he must see how it has all affected me. And then he has his own grief.
It's all too much really.

[minmooch]

Today it's my birthday. The big 50. Got lots to be grateful for but all I want to do is howl. Mother's Day tomorrow. It's a hard weekend darling, yet another one where your loss is felt in ways can't understand.

I can't feel you. I miss you. I hurt. I love you.

[mando12345]

Oh min, thinking of you, nothing I can say to help.

[OpalIridescence]

The very gentlest of happy birthdays to you minmooch

[QODRestYeMerryGentlemen]

💐

[magimedi]

I hope today has not been too awful, dearest Min.

[1234hello]

Hello again from hello

I can completely see how it is easier to pretend they are both away. And the overcompensating bit totally makes sense too.

I hope you have been as ok as you can be today. And if not, then that's ok too. Hugs x

[Poudrenez]

to you minmooch.

[1234hello]

How are you doing min?

[minmooch]

Not written for a while - been hiding in plain sight of real life. Working hard, keeping busy.

Your brother is off having adventures in the US and Canada. He deserves it - he has been struggling with your loss. Over three years since you died and he's finally getting counselling to deal with life. It's so heartbreaking to witness his suffering and his attempts to be brave for me. It doesn't seem fair to lose you and then watch your brother struggling. I know that, as my grief isolates me, his grief separates him from the 'normal' youngsters he lives and works with.

People, friends look on and think I'm 'better'. I hate that. I'm not 'better' I just get on with things as there is no other option. I have fun, live, love, laugh - it's just always tainted by your missing. The guilt hits out of nowhere - how can I live, love, laugh without you?

I think those of us in this situation have a slight split personality - the grieving mother, and the pretending-I'm-not-grieving mother. If I think of your last few months, weeks, days I dissolve into tears at your suffering, the unfairness of it, the horror, the devastation. So I try not to think. Does that mean I'm denying you? I don't know. It's the only way to cope sometimes. But yet I don't want to forget a single moment. But many of those moments were so full of horror. It's hard to remember the fun times as they bring the tears as much as the horror ones. Sometimes it's easier to just pretend.

When your brother is away I sometimes pretend I have no children as it's easier than to think of one dead, one living but suffering. What a terrible way to live sometimes. Others wouldn't know though. Us bereaved are masters at acting!

I miss you big today. Life goes on and I so wish you were here so you were a part of it all. I love you. I miss you. Always. Xxxx