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Who has rights to the ashes

(3 Posts)
CMamaof4 Thu 02-Mar-17 20:11:10

My dad died 6 years ago it was the worst time of my life and it was soul destroying watching him pass away he was only early 50s.
My mum and dad had a horrible marriage, Married for donkeys years and as miserable together as you can pretty much get, I grew up thinking arguing and fighting was normal she often said she didnt love him anymore she loved him more like a "brother" nagged at him alot picked at anything he did even when he was only given 6 months to live she still wouldnt stop, She didnt shed a tear at his funeral and was really horrible to me whilst I was crying at the funeral, I was told before the funeral she didnt want to see any of us (his children) crying as she didnt want to upset the grandkids who were all very young at the time. I obviously cried I couldnt help it his casket was being brought out of the car and I just couldnt keep a lid on it, It hurt so much. She talked at me through gritted teeth telling me to "shut up" She was so horrible to me after he died she couldnt understand how I could be heartbroken I was suppose to be comforting her apparently. Watching him go was awful watching the big, strong man I knew fading away in front of my eyes as he died I held his hand I couldnt let him go as I felt like he needed the support. She was so angry because after he had died I left the hospital and drove home, crying the whole way and trying not to vomit I then sat in the dark the flash backs were so bad, and I still felt like I could feel his hand in mine I didnt want to wash it afterwards I was scared that I would loose more of him, (I know it sounds weird the grief was something I have never experienced before) Apparently I should have gone back to her house to support her, I was in my early 20s with an abusive ex and two young kids I found it so hard to just get through the day I was distraught.
I now have an amazing husband and a lovely stable relationship and home and two more little ones. Thankfully.

Since all of this has happened we have had many troubles she has never understood why I could be upset when my dad died that he was in her words HER husband, Like he was more to her than he was to me, It was so strange.
Shes treated me pretty badly over the years lied about me exaggerated situations and not protected my dads money when remarrying (he worked very hard all of his life 6nights a week sometimes 7 he had only just paid off his mortgage shortly before his death so had no time to re coup the benefit) she called me money grabbing for wanting to protect my dads half of the house when she was remarrying, it was only out of my loyalty to my dad, he didnt work all his life for a stranger to benefit.
I still think she has written us all out.
She refuses to bury my dad where he chose to be, and keeps his ashes in the house. She says he was HER husband she will do what she likes. She has now decided he isnt going in his chosen place until she dies, as she likes to inform us she has all the "rights" to his grave and acts like she owns him.
I was wondering that when she dies if her new husband is alive does he inherit the "rights" to my dads grave and ashes as her next of kin?
I am really concerned about this 😢

OrianaBanana Thu 02-Mar-17 20:15:10

I'd have thought your dad's ashes go to his own next of kin (his kids) when she dies, but it might be worth taking advice. I can't imagine why her husband would keep them from you, to be fair.

BettyBaggins Thu 02-Mar-17 23:27:38

I would of thought that her new husband, should she die before him, would be more than happy for you to have your Dads ashes if you mentioned it gently as a prompt but opportune time.

I'm going to drop you a pm about how I managed my Dads ashes which may or not prove helpful.

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