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SuperSheepdog Fri 24-Feb-17 06:58:06

Hello all

Sorry that we're all here. My dad has advanced prostate cancer and has just been told it has spread to bladder and bowel. He's very poorly, he's about to be transfered to a hospice. We don't know exactly how long he has left but he hasn't got any treatment other than pain relief and he was thought to be near death this week.

I'm in a state of anger and panic - last week he was due to have another dose of chemo , suddenly cancelled though (presumably the doctors suspected it he was near death from his blood test) and this week he's near death.

His chemo was meant to continue to the summer sad it is such a shock to be pulled off chemo and now dying. I feel tormented that maybe if he'd started chemo sooner he'd have had longer etc (he's had cancer several years). But I know that's probably desperation talking.

How did/do you reconcile yourself with death? How do you control the fear, terror and panic that someone is dying and then once they've passed? I've got young children so not much time alone.

WutheringFrights Fri 24-Feb-17 07:07:01

I'm sorry that you are going through this, I lost my dad in similar circumstances five years ago, he was diagnosed and told he would have treatment and then the
following week his cancer has spread so much there were no options left for him.
He was able to come home and passed away within a few days.
From diagnosis to losing him was less than four weeks.
He had known, or suspected, he was ill for weeks before he first visited a Dr and I tormented myself with all the 'what ifs'
Suddenly I realised that I could either continue as I was or accept what was happening and just be there for him.
Acceptance is a huge step forward but I found it really helped me and it continues to do so as others close to me go through similar.
Death, as sad as it is, is part of life.

wineusuallyhelps Fri 24-Feb-17 07:25:40

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

I lost both my parents close together to different illnesses. One death was expected, the other was sudden within a few days of falling ill. I also had young children.

Totally agree with acceptance. I know they say anger is a stage of grief, but I never had it and for that I am grateful. My personality is to put up with everything that is thrown at me and still function. I put it to one side. Not saying it's a good thing - in fact I've had people tell me it's not - but it has got me through all these years. I never wanted to rage and pity myself because that wouldn't have helped my children. Not judging others who do though.

The losses were totally different because the expected one gave me time to reconcile it in my mind and it was the best thing in the end (due to the illness suffered). The 'shock' one was horrific and actually upset me much more because of the speed at which it happened. I needed more time to process that one.

So I don't have any answers except to advise you take your time with your feelings. Be kind to you. There's no wrong or right way of doing this.

SuperSheepdog Fri 24-Feb-17 23:02:26

Wuthering so sorry to hear about your dad. You're right, worrying about the 'what ifs' is a torment to yourself and there's no point. I am gradually accepting that death is inevitable to all of us, it's heartbreaking though.

Wine so sorry to hear of your losses. To lose both parents is so hard. I understand what you're saying, I admire you for not feeling angry! I have a friend who still feels anger sometimes five years after her mum died. I can see that a sudden death can be much harder to cope with.

I read somewhere of the horrible terror that comes when you wake in the morning and remember your loved one is close to death or has died. I seem to be getting that panic all the time at the moment. I try to remember that I've been blessed to have thirty years with my dad here and all the happy memories.

catsandbooks Sat 25-Feb-17 05:49:42

Sorry to hear about your Dad, I have recently been through a similar experience with my aunty. She had cancer last summer and found out it had spread just after Christmas, then she died six weeks later.

The shock of being offered treatment but then being told there's nothing else they can do was very hard to handle.
We spent ages searching online in desperation for other options but after some time things start to sink in.
The anxiety about the inevitability of the death is hard to handle. I would lie awake night after night worrying and crying. In some ways it was easier afterwards because the worst had happened so I couldn't worry about it anymore. Death forces us to deal with it, no matter how painful.
I also tried to focus on the life she has before cancer and the fact that this horrible illness was only a very small part of her life. My aunt was suffering and made it clear that she wanted to die so I tried to see it as a release for her.

When it first happened, I kept replaying the last two weeks she'd spent in the hospice and the last time I saw her. I'm able to focus on better times now and I've been able to look at pictures etc.
Finally, I try to tell myself that death is the only certainty of life and I also think of all the other families going through this. Bereavement can feel like a very lonely experience but it can help to remember that all over the world people have these feelings and these tragedies.

I know my aunt would want me to think of her when she was well and all the happy times we shared. Your Dad would want you to have a happy life and remember all the wonderful memories.
Thinking of you flowers

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