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Anyone had bereavement counselling decades later?

(10 Posts)
Gurraun Fri 03-Feb-17 09:23:18

My Mum died suddenly 30 years ago when I was 9. We just got on with it and whilst I had lots of anxiety about losing people afterwards I learnt to deal with it and have a great DH and 2 gorgeous DS. I have always been desperate for a DD which I kind of get as I no doubt want the relationship I feel I lost. I have just had a traumatic loss of my 4 th pregnancy (3rd ended in early mc).
I'm can't face ttc again and to be honest I doubt it is the answer even if I did have a dd. I feel that maybe I need to deal with issues that were never dealt with after Mum died. I just want to live in the present and enjoy what I have without worrying about crazy stuff and thinking a dd will fix stuff.
My friend suggested bereavement counselling. Has anyone found it helpful so long after the event? Thanks

UnmanWitteringAndZigo Fri 03-Feb-17 12:04:56

I just wanted to say how sorry I am about your traumatic pregancy loss, and your mc. And also how sorry I am that your mum died.
I don't have direct experience of bereavement counselling, but I would imagine that it could potentially be useful at any stage, given that bereavement is a life-long process.
You mention wanting to live in the present. I've had a recent quite traumatic bereavement, and am finding that mindfulness apps have been useful in this respect. Not sure if they'd be useful for you of course (this is all so individual), but it might be worth a try alongside anything else you pursue.
All the very best flowers

1234hello Fri 03-Feb-17 17:56:10

So sorry to hear about your mum and pregnancy losses. It sounds to me like you probably would benefit from counselling. I think if you find the right counsellor, it doesn't have to specifically be bereavement counselling.

A good counsellir will be experienced in bereavements as well as other losses. Bereavement is not just about losing the person but about loss in so many other ways.

You could try asking your GP for a recomendation of a counsellor in your area. Or you can do a search on BACP site. Good luck.

Gurraun Fri 03-Feb-17 18:10:24

Thanks both

therealpippi Fri 03-Feb-17 19:48:58

I haven't personslly but I suspect I might do at some point as sometimes I feel I am getting on with stuff and burying feeling somewhere.

I really think it would be helpful. Past traumas do seem to resurface when similar situation present itself.

It was through my difficult marriage that I felt the pains of my childhood and the damage I suffered back then. Therapy helped me look at the past, make sense if it, accept it connect it but, most important, disconnect with the present so that I could start living my life again in the present.

It was worth it. (If nothing else for the space it gives you to cry.)

therealpippi Fri 03-Feb-17 19:49:29

And I am sorry for your lossesflowers

flipflopson5thavenue Fri 03-Feb-17 19:59:16

Really sorry for your losses.
My dad died 8 months ago and I've basically been trying not to think about it. However I worry that if I ignore it 'it' will just come back to bite me in the arse years from now.

My brother is a trained counsellor with Cruse and he said an interesting thing to me similar to what someone else mentioned further up - when a loved one dies, they stay dead forever. But YOU change. So you may have 'dealt' with the death of your mum age 9, but that's not the end. As you change and live your life the fact your loved one isn't there never changes, yet you will as you live your life and experiences. And you find yourself having to 'deal' with it all over again.
I don't think I'm articulating it very well guess all I mean is I expect it's totally 'normal' to deal with a bereavement 'again' after thinking you'd already 'dealt' with it

GooseFriend Fri 03-Feb-17 20:01:14

I have had clients with that sort of gap. Not that unusual and no one would think it weird at all if that's what you're worried about. And you have a double bereavement in your op. Big hugs!

GooseFriend Fri 03-Feb-17 20:02:26

Whoops lost a sentence there - I was meaning that you have more than one loss to process and they can make other bereavements reopen/feel different x

namechange20050 Fri 03-Feb-17 20:07:19

Hello op. You can contact Cruse, they are trained bereavement counsellors & the service is free. Good luck x

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