Buckle in, this is a long one.
My dad died a couple of weeks ago, and I'm mostly coping, so long as I'm busy and distracted, and not thinking about my dad.
My main issue is my mum - she and my dad separated 6 years ago, at her request. They'd never been compatible, and rowed bitterly throughout. Following break up they were friendly but far from derby and Joan. Mum remained constantly critical and barely civil to my dad, which we all skimmed over, I'm ashamed to say. When my dad had cancer last year she gave no practical support to me and dsis as he 'wasn't her husband' which we agreed was her prerogative.
Now he's suddenly died (unrelated to cancer) she's revising the past, and views herself as the grieving widow. I know she must feel a lot of sorrow, as they were together 30 years. But she's even retrieved her wedding ring from his house and started wearing it again. My sister and I find this very hard to take, but because of family dynamics are unable to tell her how hypocritical she's being. Though not sure she'd understand if we did - I feel the past has been rewritten now.
So there's that. There's also our different ways of grieving. My mum isn't into small talk - she discusses past (often tragic) family events often, and my dad's death is no different. So time together is very intense, and I inevitably feel much, much worse afterwards. I know she wants to be close to me and dsis at the moment, but I don't think she can see how her way of coping - talking things out - upsets me. (I have told her).
She's asked me to stay at hers the night before the funeral, and I don't know how I can possibly be so cruel as to leave her alone. But I was dreading even the couple of hours beforehand on the day!
What can I do? Should I just suck it up? Or is it legitimate to stay away from someone that makes you feel worse about a bereavement, even if is someone who shares your grief?
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AIBU to avoid my dm at the moment?
6 replies
Lemond1fficult · 02/02/2017 22:09
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