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Sibling suicide

(30 Posts)
UnmanWitteringAndZigo Tue 31-Jan-17 13:34:39

Just wanted a chat about timeframes. It's 2.5 months since my sister died. I know everyone's different, but I'm so at sea at the moment and want to know when things might improve.

I'm barely getting by at work, and am currently hidden in a spare office because all of a sudden the crying won't stop. Can't take any more time off.
I'm trying to stay as normal as possible for the kids, but feeling so guilty that I'm not functioning like before, and that I feel incapable of appreciating all the many things I have to feel grateful for.

Should I be functioning better than this by now? TIA

Charlie97 Tue 31-Jan-17 21:40:26

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sure that you are just acting "normally" in the circumstances. But there is no "normal". Take your time, take it easy.

I feel your pain.

flowers x

PastysPrincess Tue 31-Jan-17 21:47:03

I'm so sorry this has happened flowers There is no time limit on grief and none of your feelings are wrong.

Obviously this depends on how old your children are but don't sheild your children too much from what you are going through. They will likely have feelings too that need to come out.

endofthelinefinally Tue 31-Jan-17 21:52:06

I am so sorry for your loss.
I have lost a sibling and a child.
2.5 months is no time at all.
Have you contacted anyone to ask for counselling?
I rang Cruse today and they were very helpful.
Do you have any support?

Blu99 Tue 31-Jan-17 22:12:21

Sorry to hear about your heartache. Have you had greif counselling? There is no normal time for these things. Everyone feels and processes death differently. It's a tragic loss and you have to feel it. Take your time and find your own way of releasing all the emotions that follow death.

Are you spiritual? Could seeing a medium help? Spiritual healing? Or if not for you just find a professional you can talk to. Even things like acupuncture can relax your mind and help you process thoughts more effectively.

Just get through each day and it'll get easier as you go. Stay strong.💐

dietstartsmonday Tue 31-Jan-17 22:17:15

Next month it will be a year since my dad took his own life. I still cry often. It's so hard.
It is a different sort of grief and I know as I have lost my mum too.
It's not just bereavement I also have feelings of anger and guilt. I feel I let him down.
I have been to a few meetings with a group called SOBS who are for people who have been affected by suicide I have found it helpfully as everyone there understands and I think as much as others try unless they have experienced it they just can't understand
If you ever want to chat feel free to PM me

LuckyBitches Wed 01-Feb-17 09:47:05

I'm so sorry OP. 2.5 months is nothing, really. I read somewhere the psychologists think that six months is a healthy time to start integrating your grief into your life. When my DB died (not from suicide) I had that in my head, but of course, three years later my grief is still evolving. Lately I've been having dreams where I see him again and wake up crying. Grief is a never ending process in my opinion. You will come to better terms with it eventually, though.

flowersflowersflowersflowersflowersflowers

Suzytwoshoes Wed 01-Feb-17 09:52:00

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I've been in similar circumstances.
I read that it can take a month for every year of life you had together to grieve, not that it goes away after this length of time just gets easier to deal with and the pain is a lot less raw. I'm a few years down the line now and would say this timeframe was accurate for me.
Take care of yourself, it's ok not to be ok! flowers

UnmanWitteringAndZigo Thu 02-Feb-17 13:59:26

Thank you all for your replies.

To everyone who has also lost someone - I'm so very sorry.

dietstarts, I also feel a lot of guilt elements related to the circumstances - it's horrific.

endoftheline, I'm so sorry to hear that you have lost your sibling and your child. Seeing my parents going through the loss of their child (my sister), I would not wish it on anyone in a million years. Sending much love. I hope you are having some more peaceful moments in the turmoil of the days and nights.

UnmanWitteringAndZigo Thu 02-Feb-17 14:03:37

Blu99, pasty and Charlie, thank you for the advice.

Suzy, I'm very sorry you've been in similar circumstances.

Lucky, I think we've met on another thread, too. I'm so sorry again about your brother.

Firsttimeandclueless Sat 25-Feb-17 10:28:39

I lost my sister eight month ago to suicide. 2.5 months is so soon. You should not feel guilty. I was a inconsolable 2.5 months after my sister. I was working 14 hours a day to block it out and spending all night in hysterics. I was newly married and felt so guilty that I couldn't be a partner in any sense of the word to my new DH.

Be kind to yourself. I am, by no way, out of the woods yet. I am currently going through the "numb" phase. Which can be easier but more frightening.

2.5 months...if you are managing to eat, shower and even function a little, you are winning. I promise you. You are already fighting to live again, you just have to be patient. Surround yourself with people who care and allow them to take care of you. This is one of the hardest battles you will ever face.

Firsttimeandclueless Sat 25-Feb-17 10:29:17

* months

Pippone Sat 25-Feb-17 19:23:50

I lost my brother to suicide 5 months ago and I was the one who found him. I'm still in shock and I still haven't accepted the reality of his death. I'm only just coming out of the dream like state.

flowers for you. I'm reading No Time To Say Goodbye by Carla Fine which I'm finding quite helpful.

BettyBaggins Fri 03-Mar-17 00:15:14

It is 7 years this year for me. My Mum. At 2.5 months I was a wreck, numb or wailing like a banshee. Each year it gets a little easier. The first year anniversary was really hard, birthday and Xmas too and then it started to shift a bit so allow yourself some time out for those. I carried my guilt heavily for a long time, I think it only natural for us in a suicide situation. Now I still have some guilt but I treat it normally and somewhat matter of factly because I know we all feel that way when affected by a loved ones suicide.

Talk to the people who you feel comfortable with about it and don't be forced by others. I became incredibly private about what had happened apart from to a couple of people who I knew felt the same or wouldn't judge me for saying 'I'm a bit pissed off with Mum actually!' I also had 6 weeks (1 hour a week) of bereavement counselling and that really helped me and I would recommend it.

My friendships had to change too, some people I just couldn't be near any more. And some social occasions, like weddings were just too much.

The grief of suicide is so harsh and painful but in time it is not so visceral and the unmanageable tears do pass. It is early days, go gently with yourself. flowers

Lilac2727 Fri 03-Mar-17 00:30:30

Sorry to hear this. Took me 11 months to stop crying every day and for the pain to go. By the 11 months I felt like my DB was in a safe place now and at peace (wasn't sucide).

Betty- why couldn't you be near certain people? Hope you don't mind me asking.

BettyBaggins Fri 03-Mar-17 00:54:09

Hi Lilac. No I don't mind you asking at all. I just didn't feel safe with them, as if they might do or say something that would make me utterly crash in to tiny pieces and never get up again. I couldn't handle people who were drunk for some reason, I think because when people have a drink they can be careless or more thoughtless about what comes out of their mouths. I couldn't be near mothers and grown daughters for ages, I could see so clearly what I would never have again. I'm still touchy about drunks but I'm much better with Mums and daughters now. brew

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess Fri 03-Mar-17 01:04:58

My best friend committed suicide in 2009.The night she died, she rang me and when I answered, she said 'Thanks for picking up'. We then went on to have quite a jokey conversation, taking the mick out of a couple of our friends, said Goodnight and that was it. There were no clues, apart from that 'Thanks for picking up' which still haunts me now. Usually when I answered the phone to her, she would yell my nickname.

Firsttimeandclueless Fri 03-Mar-17 10:38:10

My sister died by suicide last June, she was 19 and my best friend. I am recently married and feel like I push everyone away. I stay numb most of the time, except for those "punch in the gut memories" that hit me every so often.

Sometimes I just don't want to wake up and face another day of this heartache.

For some reason, I desperately want a child now, a home and stability. Previous to my sister dying, my husband and I were a pair of vagabonds, always living in diff countries, seeking new adventires, now I can't face any of that.

Firsttimeandclueless Fri 03-Mar-17 10:38:49

*adventures

Haven't tried bereavement counselling, would anyone say it helped them?

Tootsiepops Fri 03-Mar-17 10:50:00

It took me two years to get to a point where I wasn't crying every day about the death of my brother. He was 29, died from alcohol poisoning. I don't think it was intentional, but it may well have been.

The crying, in the beginning, took up rather a lot of my day. It gradually tapered off to just having a few minutes sobbing in the shower every morning.

I was off work for 8 weeks after he died, then I went back to work for a few months, but had a massive relapse after attending the funeral of a colleague who died very unexpectedly. It brought everything flooding back.

Please get in touch with Cruse. It's unbelievably helpful just to have space to cry, to express your feelings (even the shitty ones you feel guilty about having), and to just have someone sit with you in your sadness and it not feel awkward or uncomfortable. I was sceptical about bereavement counselling in the beginning, but I am definitely in a mentally healthier place for having gone through it.

BettyBaggins Fri 03-Mar-17 13:36:58

Firsttimeandclueless

Bereavement counselling helped me a lot. It was part funded so attendees were encouraged to make a minimum £5 donation. It allowed me to get things off my chest that others weren't able to hear without telling me 'not to feel like that.' I'm a bit counselling suspicious at times but in a suicide situation, especially of a blood relative, I would recommend.

Firsttimeandclueless Fri 03-Mar-17 18:16:05

Thanks so much BettyBaggins..I am normally the same, quite skeptical of them in general but I am getting desperate.

Glad to get hear you got back on track!

BettyBaggins Fri 03-Mar-17 18:36:34

Firsttimeandclueless

Do it, it is very difficult for our loved ones to hear the depths of our pain but the counsellor will just listen and not tell you how to feel but they will help you talk it out to enable your healing process. flowers

Bottlesoflove Sat 04-Mar-17 01:17:08

Hi. My brother took his own life in September. My grief comes in waves. I went back to work after 3 weeks, but then came the first Christmas without him. This week it would have been his 33rd birthday. I wish I could say it gets easier. But I'm still waiting. I'm so sorry about your sister. X

Bottlesoflove Sat 04-Mar-17 01:26:47

Oh god yes lucky, the dreams. I've had some horrible ones recently. Like I'm at a family event or something with him and he is alive and well and happy, but I know his is dead or about to die. And I am there whispering to people "does he know he's actually dead though?!". I too have woken up crying on a number of occasions.

I am working with people with mental health problems at the moment, and whilst it's stirring up a lot of raw emotion for me at the moment, it is helping me to process it. It has made me realise that there is only so much you can do to keep people safe and from harming themselves. I know we did all we could over the years but the guilt can be overwhelming at times. There are so many if onlys and what ifs.

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